[John Trimbach]

HI everyone, John T here – looking for WIM AI writers who want to exchange scripts for feedback, thanks.
johntrimbach@gmail.com

• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by  John Trimbach.

[John Trimbach]

John’s Fascinating Scene Outlines
Vision: to sell 2 scripts within the next 12 months and get a manager.
What I learned doing this assignment is that AI does a remarkably good job of doing the beginning, middle and ending of each scene and numbering them.

Scene 1

Flashback with Narration:
A desperate sailor, Walter Egan, 33, leads his fellow sailors out of a West Congo prison by killing 3 prison guards. After coming ashore in their home port, Walter is feted with praise and ale. His grateful mates send him upstairs to Madame West’s where he spends the night with a young lass.
When Walter comes home in the morning, his wife, Helene, tells him she thought him dead and so she remarried a fellow named Percy. His stepson is a disagreeable 8-year-old, Morris, and Walter’s 18-year-old daughter, Laralee, has left home to escape Percy’s mistreatment. Morris shows an instant disliking for Walter.

Upon hearing Helen’s lamentations, Walter grows angry, gathers a few precious belongings, and leaves, never to see his wife again. One of the objects he takes is a doll he once bought for his daughter, Laralee, when she was 3, just before he left on his voyage.

Beginning: (Misinterpretation): Walter returns home and misinterprets the situation, thinking Helene moved on without him when he sees Morris.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment): Helene introduces Morris, creating tension and awkwardness as Walter realizes the full impact of his absence.
Ending: (Betrayal): Walter, feeling betrayed and angry, storms out, taking Laralee's doll with him, symbolizing his broken family ties.

Scene 2

EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY – DAY
Sheriff Walter Egan is in hot pursuit of car thieves. He trails them along a lonely desert highway that passes through town, a road notorious for drag racing. Walter closes in at breakneck speed as the car ahead nears a sharp turn. The car races ahead, swerves and flips over and explodes into flames. No survivors.
Beginning: (Suspense): Walter chases the car thieves at high speed, creating a sense of urgency. Middle: (Surprise): The car thieves lose control, crash, and the car explodes into flames, catching Walter off guard.
Ending: (Mystery): Walter calls in the crash, noting it’s near the old Brown house, introducing an unsolved murder site. He’s shaking so bad he must take a drink of whiskey from a bottle hidden in his patrol car.

Scene 3

INT. BROWN HOUSE – DAY
Morris and Lara plan their move to confront Walter. They are mentored by Morris’ father Percy, a big shot in the government. Percy re-established contact with Morris when they discovered their mutual hatred of Walter.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Morris and Lara discuss their plan to lure Walter to isolate him, revealing Percy’s involvement.
Middle: (Mystery): Morris forges the land deed with Walter’s signature, aiming to incriminate him further. His secret: kill Walter, frame Walter for the killings, kill him and inherit the gold he discovered at a ship wreck.
Ending: (Uncertainty): Morris and Lara argue over their next steps, with Lara expressing doubts, leaving their plan in suspense. Lara just wants closure.

Scene 4

EXT. BROWN HOUSE –MOONLESS NIGHT
Two squatters sneak around the house, peering in the windows. Complete darkness. It seems nothing good happens at the Brown house, a somewhat dilapidated hovel whose owner remains anonymous.
Beginning: (Suspense): The squatters cautiously approach the Brown house, heightening the sense of impending danger.
Middle: (Mystery): They hear metallic sounds and see something glint in their flashlight beam before one of their faces splits open.
Ending: (Cliffhanger): The second man runs away but gets lost in the brush and is hacked to death, leaving the identity of the assailant a mystery.

Scene 5

EXT. BROWN HOUSE – DAY
Sheriff Walter and Deputy Clare investigate. They knock but no one answers. Walter considers having the property condemned.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Walter and Clare arrive at the Brown house to investigate, building tension.
Middle: (Superior Position): The audience knows Morris and Lara are inside, but Walter and Clare do not, creating dramatic irony. They are hiding in a secret chamber.
Ending: (Uncertainty): Walter considers having the property condemned, indicating his suspicion but also his uncertainty about what is happening inside. They leave to get a search warrant.

Scene 6

EXT. COURTHOUSE – DAY
Walter confiscates a bottle from a street person, keeps it for himself.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment): Walter takes a bottle from a street person, feeling guilty as he pockets it for himself.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma): Walter struggles with his alcoholism, internally debating whether to drink.
Ending: (Cliffhanger): Walter ultimately takes a drink, showing his weakness and setting up future consequences.

Scene 7

INT. COURTHOUSE – DAY
The townspeople are frustrated and frightened. The new sheriff must solve these killings or get fired. They don’t have much trust in him.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Walter addresses the townspeople’s concerns, building tension around his ability to solve the case.
Middle: (Conflict): The townspeople express their frustration and fear, doubting Walter’s capability. A few hecklers.
Ending: (Suspense): Walter feels the pressure to solve the killings or face being fired, heightening the stakes. He makes a bold statement: if he doesn’t solve the murders in one month, he’ll resign. Some laugh at him.

Scene 8

INT. BLUE SEDAN – DAY Scene
Morris and Lara agree it’s time to spring the trap. They know that the sheriff can usually be found at the Still Moon Cafe this time of day.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Morris and Lara discuss their plan to lure Walter into the café and then create a disturbance.
Middle: (Superior Position): Walter hides a blackjack in his pocket.
Ending: (Suspense): They head to the Still Moon Cafe, setting up the next encounter.

Scene 9

EXT. /INT. STILL MOON CAFÉ – DAY
Lara and Morris just happen to catch Walter as he’s arriving. Morris and Lara sit in a booth, order coffee. Walter takes a seat at the bar.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Walter spots Lara and Morris walking into the cafe, Morris makes his move, shoving Lara to make sure Walter notices. It works – Walter follows them into the café.
(Superior Position): Walter catches Lara’s eye – she smiles at him warmly but he does not recognize her.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment): Morris feigns an argument, shoves Lara, attracting Walter’s attention.
Ending: (Cliffhanger): Morris and Lara take off, leaving Walter to decide whether to follow them. He throws down a twenty and bolts.

Scene 10

EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
Walter soon catches up to them, but as they approach the same curve in the road that caused the last accident, he backs off and loses them.
Beginning: (Suspense): Walter chases after Morris and Lara on the highway.
Middle: (Intrigue): Walter hesitates as they approach the dangerous curve, remembering the previous accident.
Ending: (Uncertainty): Walter loses them, unsure of their next move.

Scene 11

INT. BLUE SEDAN – DAY Scene Description:
Morris can’t understand why Walter didn’t take the bait. They head back to the Brown house.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Morris and Lara discuss why Walter didn’t follow through with the chase. Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment): Morris expresses frustration and doubts about their plan. Ending: (Suspense): They decide to return to the Brown house, preparing for their next move. Morris has a new idea.

Scene 12

INT. BROWN HOUSE – NIGHT
Morris consults with his father over the phone about what to do next. Morris wants to frame Walter for the killings and then stage his death – this would presumably solve the case and leave Walter’s. Lara has no idea. She’s in the bedroom reading a child’s book out loud.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Morris and Percy discuss the next steps in their plan.
Middle: (Conflict): Percy encourages Morris to frame Walter, adding pressure.
Ending: (Suspense): Morris decides to follow through with framing Walter, escalating the stakes. Lara’s innocence is evident.

Scene 13

INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – DAY
Early morning: Walter fills out paperwork in his office and talks to Clare about the Brown house and his fruitless efforts to track down the owner. Walter looks up county filings on the house and finds several issues with the chain of title. Walter decides to go out there and have another look.
Beginning: (Mystery): Walter discovers inconsistencies in the Brown house's ownership records.
Middle: (Intrigue): Walter discusses his findings with Clare, heightening the mystery. Clare’s ready to retire, wants to move to Montana to visit her daughter.
Ending: (Suspense): Walter decides to investigate the Brown house with a search warrant.

Scene 14

EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
Walter has pulled over a speeder, a pretty blonde. As he stands by the driver side, Morris goes zooming by, coming to within inches of hitting Walter. That did it. Walter tears up the speeding ticket and jumps in his car. This time, he’s not getting away.
Beginning: (Surprise): Walter pulls over a speeder, adding to his daily routine.
Middle: (Suspense): Morris speeds by in his blue sedan, nearly hitting Walter, causing tension.
Ending: (Cliffhanger): Walter gives chase, determined not to let him escape this time.

Scene 15

EXT. BROWN HOUSE/INT.SHERIFF’S OFFICE – DAY
Walter spots the blue sedan parked in the dirt. He jumps out of his patrol car and pounds on the door. No answer, only a faint sound of metal rattling. He walks to the side of the house and spots something moving on the horizon – it appears to be his man. Walter grabs his binocs from the car and peers out at the hot hazy horizon. He sees a wavy apparition of a figure fading away. Is he imagining this? Walter snaps out of it and notes the sun low in the sky. He radios Clare of his intentions to pursue the suspect on foot.
Beginning: (Suspense): Walter arrives at the Brown house and sees the blue sedan, raising his suspicion.
Middle: (Mystery): Walter hears a faint sound and sees a figure on the horizon, unsure if it's real. Is the just the wind chimes, or is it something else?
Ending: (Intrigue): Walter decides to pursue the suspect on foot, heightening the tension.

Scene 16

INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – DUSK
Walter calls it in. Clare tells him that she is on the way for backup. She grabs her brick and heads out.
Beginning: (Suspense): Clare receives Walter's call for backup and prepares to leave. Grabs a flashlight.
Middle: (Intrigue): Clare considers the implications of the situation, worried about Walter. She opens his desk drawer, takes out a whiskey bottle and tosses it in the trash.
Ending: (Cliffhanger): Clare heads out to provide backup, leaving her fate uncertain.

Scene 17

EXT. DESERT TRAIL – DUSK
Walter appears to be gaining ground on his man as the setting sun casts long shadows on the rock formations. Suddenly WHAM, he is knocked out with a blow to the head.
Beginning: (Suspense): Walter tracks the suspect through the desert trail.
Middle: (Surprise): Walter gains ground, feeling confident he's close.
Ending: (Cliffhanger): Walter is knocked out from behind, leaving his fate uncertain.

Scene 18

EXT. BROWN HOUSE – NIGHT
Deputy Clare arrives, notes Walter’s patrol car. She knocks on the door but no answer. The door is unlocked so she enters. It’s very dark. She shines her light across the main room. As the beam sweeps, a creature with strange eyes stares back at her. Clare unholsters but the shape is gone. She turns around to leave… and a flash of sharp metal rakes across her face. Blood gushes and partially blinds her. Clare runs right into thicket and becomes entangled. The creature goes silent. Clare doesn’t know where to aim her firearm. WHACK! She’s stabbed in the back. The creature finishes her off with an axe.
Beginning: (Suspense): Clare arrives at the Brown house and notices Walter's patrol car. Middle: (Mystery): Clare sees a flash of maniacal eyes, adding to the eerie atmosphere.
Ending: (Cliffhanger): Clare is attacked and killed, a shocking twist.

Scene 19

EXT. DESERT TRAIL – DAY
Walter stirs, rolls over in the dirt – touches his aching head. He makes his way back to the house and discovers Clare’s body.
Beginning: (Suspense): Walter regains consciousness, disoriented and in pain.
Middle: (Mystery): Walter stumbles back to the Brown house, trying to piece together what happened.
Ending: (Shock): Walter discovers Clare's lifeless body, heightening the stakes. He spots an envelope bulging from her pocket; he takes it out and reads it – a letter from her daughter.

Scene 20

INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – DAY
Now the FBI is involved in the investigation. Lead Agent Don Dunaway questions Walter but his story doesn’t add up. No car was found at the Brown House. Deputy Clare never mentioned seeing a car. Walter is asked about his drinking. He must be careful how he answers. Turns out the straw buyer document has his name on it – Walter is the official owner! Somebody (Morris) is setting him up.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Walter is questioned by the FBI, feeling the pressure mount.
Middle: (Conflict): Agent Dunaway presents evidence that implicates Walter, increasing the tension.
Ending: (Mystery): Walter realizes he's being framed, leading to his determination to clear his name.

Scene 21

EXT. BROWN HOUSE – NIGHT
Walter decides that he must clear his name before they take his badge. He goes back to the Brown house at night looking for clues. He walks in and instantly gets knocked out.
Beginning: (Suspense): Walter returns to the Brown house at night, determined to find evidence. Middle: (Intrigue): Walter searches the house, uncovering unsettling clues.
Ending: (Cliffhanger): Walter is knocked out again, leaving him vulnerable.

Scene 22

INT. BROWN HOUSE – NIGHT
Walter comes to tied up. He works on loosening the rope. Morris begins the interrogation about Walter’s past, pistol-whips him into a confession of sorts. Lara, listening intently, tells Morris to stop being mean. Lara describes what it was like to lose her father at 3 and her mother at 18. Walter tries to explain how he was waylaid and unjustly sent to prison and had to break out. Morris scoffs at this explanation and blames Walter for everything. He begins pummeling Walter to tell the truth and admit his guilt. Lara begs Morris to stop, announcing that she has something important to say. Morris stops. She looks at Walter’s bloody face and tells him a story about Madame West many years ago, about a young woman who worked there before she got her life together. And that woman was her. Walter looks puzzled. Lara explains that this woman ended up following this man to his house – her house. Lara tells Walter that she was the young woman and the man was Walter! At first, Walter doesn’t understand but then he remembers. He’s devastated – he had no idea. Lara wants closure, wants to know why he abandoned them. Morris, just as shocked as Walter, howls with laughter.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Walter regains consciousness, tied up and vulnerable.
Middle: (Conflict): Morris interrogates Walter, with Lara providing emotional backstory and a disturbing truth.
Ending: (Revelation): Lara has finally unburdened herself and her connection to Walter, shocking him and sending Morris toward deeper hatred. While Walter and Lara are emotionally involved in conversation, Morris sneaks out to the front porch.

Scene 23

INT. BROWN HOUSE – NIGHT
Walter works his hands free and tells Lara that he must go for help. He bolts out the front door but is caught by Morris holding a shovel. WHAM! Direct hit across the face. Walter gushes blood. Lara sees the hate in his eyes. He begins kicking Walter in the ribs. Lara must do something quick. She races to the back bedroom, and appears with June, her sister, her emotionally disturbed sister – scraggly hair, opaque blue eyes, long curvy nails. Walter thinks a minute – is June the killer?. Lara explains that keeping June deserves to be protected and the secret basement was the only way she could be kept safe. Lara demonstrates by opening the hidden hatch in the wooden floor.
Beginning: (Suspense): Walter attempts to escape, creating a tense moment.
Middle: (Conflict): Morris is waiting for him, escalating the physical confrontation.
Ending: (Shock): Lara reveals June, adding a new layer of horror to the situation.

Scene 24

INT. BROWN HOUSE – NIGHT
Lara explains June’s long nails by saying her mentally compromised sister had to have a way to defend herself because she’s been tormented her whole life due to her mental state and because she’s partially blind. And especially now that she has taken human life. Walter is again floored – June is the killer! Now Morris must get rid of Walter – he knows too much.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Lara explains June's condition and defensive nature.
Middle: (Conflict): Walter realizes June is the killer, adding to his shock and desperation. Ending: (Suspense): Morris decides Walter must be eliminated, raising the stakes.

Scene 25

INT. BROWN HOUSE – NIGHT
Walter asks why Lara kept this a secret all those years. Lara pauses, and then reveals her deepest darkest secret – June is her sister and her daughter. Walter is puzzled but then his face registers shock – he finally gets it. He is overcome with grief and despair. Morris howls with laughter.
Beginning: (Suspense): Walter questions Lara about keeping the secret.
Middle: (Revelation): Lara reveals the truth about June, shocking Walter.
Ending: (Conflict): Morris's reaction intensifies the situation, adding to the chaos.

Scene 26

INT. BROWN HOUSE – NIGHT
Walter finally breaks free from the rope and a fight to the death ensues.
Walter is losing badly. This greatly agitates June. She screams.
Beginning: (Action): Walter breaks free and initiates a fight with Morris.
Middle: (Suspense): Walter struggles, appearing to lose the fight.
Ending: (Tension): June becomes agitated, adding to the chaos and uncertainty. Lara tries to calm her down, grabs her ams.

Scene 27

INT. BROWN HOUSE – NIGHT
But it’s not working. June bolts towards Morris, knocking over an oil lamp. It rolls to the open floor hatch and falls in. A fire erupts down below in June’s quarters.
Beginning: (Suspense): June's agitation leads to a critical moment.
Middle: (Action): June knocks over an oil lamp, starting a fire in the secret chamber.
Ending: (Tension): The fire spreads quickly throughout the foundation.

Scene 28

INT. BROWN HOUSE – NIGHT
Morris comes at Walter with a knife to finish him off but June moves in a flash. She lunges at Morris and they struggle. Morris accidently cuts her with a knife. June pivots and lunges at Morris, the momentum carrying both of them to the open hatch just as the fire roars through the floor collapsing much of it. Lara loses her footing and flames eat at her feet. Walter pulls her out and the two of them barely escape.
Beginning: (Suspense): Morris attempts to kill Walter with a knife.
Middle: (Action): June intervenes, causing both of them to fall into the fire.
Ending: (Tension): Walter and Lara barely escape the collapsing house.

Scene 29

EXT. BROWN HOUSE – NIGHT
The Brown house quickly becomes a torrent of flames. Walter and Margaret leave the burning house, arm in arm.
Beginning: (Suspense): The Brown house is engulfed in flames, creating a dramatic escape. Middle: (Action): Walter and Lara struggle to escape the burning house.
Ending: (Resolution): They manage to leave the house, arm in arm, signaling a new beginning.

Scene 30

Slugline: INT. WALTER’S HOUSE – DAY Scene Description:
Walter and Mara (Lara having renamed herself) are having friends over for a cookout: Don Dunaway arrives with his 32-year-old brother, Ron.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Walter and Mara host a cookout, creating a moment of peace.
Middle: (Conflict): Don Dunaway arrives, bringing closure to the investigation.
Ending: (Resolution): Mara and Ron connect, hinting at future possibilities.

Scene 31

INT. WALTER’S HOUSE – DAY
Don informs Walter that the investigation is officially over. They’ve identified Morris as the man who forged the house documents to make it look like Walter was the owner and was probably the killer.
Beginning: (Resolution): Don informs Walter about the conclusion of the investigation.
Middle: (Intrigue): The revelation about Morris's forgery is revealed.
Ending: (Closure): Walter is cleared of suspicion, bringing a sense of relief.

Scene 32

INT. WALTER’S HOUSE – DAY
Mara looks up at the mantle and the toy doll that Walter gave her so long ago.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Mara notices the toy doll on the mantle, symbolizing her past.
Middle: (Reflection): Mara reflects on her journey and her relationship with her father.
Ending: (Resolution): The doll signifies the healing of their relationship.

Scene 33

INT. WALTER’S HOUSE – DAY
Walter and Don discover they were both seafaring shipmates early in their careers and they begin swapping sea stories.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Walter and Don realize their shared past as seafaring shipmates.
Middle: (Connection): They bond over swapping sea stories, strengthening their friendship. Ending: (Resolution): Their conversation signifies new beginnings and mutual respect.

Scene 34

INT. WALTER’S HOUSE – DAY Scene
Ron’s eyes are fixed on Mara. She smiles. He smiles back.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Ron is captivated by Mara, hinting at a new connection.
Middle: (Connection): Mara responds positively, suggesting mutual interest.
Ending: (Hope): Their smiles hint at the possibility of a future relationship.

Scene 35

FADE OUT

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  John Trimbach.
• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  John Trimbach.

[John Trimbach]

Anybody care to exchange?
Title: A Still June
Genre: thriller
Concept: A sailor-turned-sheriff is lured to his own death tribunal by a young couple with dark secrets not knowing that they are his estranged daughter and stepson from 15 years ago.
Best,
John
johntrimbach@gmail.com

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  John Trimbach.

[John Trimbach]

John’s Character Action Tracks
Vision; sell at least 2 scripts and get a manager John’s Character Action Tracks
Vision; sell at least 2 scripts and get a manager
What I learned is that referencing the entire profile gives the big picture that honors the theme plot.
Protagonist Walter profile:
Lead Character Name: Sheriff Walter Egan, a man running from his past until it overtakes him.
Role: Protagonist
What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Closet alcoholic, lied on his application to the FBI, in denial,
What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
He’s trying to get his life together but keeps getting shafted
What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
Lets a speeder off with a warning, shows mercy, takes a beating, apologizes to his daughter, says he loves her
How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
If he lets a speeder get away in order to avoid an accident
What could be this character’s emotional range
From frustrated to elated
What subtext can the actor play?
Lies about his background, his escape from a prison in the West Congo, his drinking
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
With his estranged daughter, a waitress, a librarian
How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
As sincere, and forthcoming when confronted
What could make this character special and unique?
Set aside a small fortune for his daughter in the hopes he would some day see her again and also give back her doll which he still has.

Character Arc Beginning: Irresponsible, care-free, abandons his family, has sex with a young girl
Arc Ending: responsible, honorable, honest, remorseful
Internal Journey: Walter goes from being haunted by his memories to finally confronting them in stark terms.
External Journey: Walter goes from being a wanton irresponsible pleasure seeking sailor to a concerned and fair-minded Sheriff who cares about his family.
Old Ways: Walter is self-consumed, careless, hedonistic, absent father
New Ways: kind, responsible, law abiding and upstanding lawman

Intrigue
• Character Name: Walter
• Role: Protagonist
• Hidden agendas: closet alcoholic, trying to forget the past, be a good sheriff
• Competition: with himself
• Conspiracies: trying to run from his past sin of abandoning his family
• Secrets: drinker, likes call girls, killed 3 prison guards
• Deception: hides his past from the FBI
• Unspoken Wound: guilt over family
• Secret Identity: he doesn’t know it
•
• Likability: tries to make amends for his past
• Relatability: give people the benefit of the doubt
• Empathy: lets people off the hook
• Generous in a different way; talks a drunk out of his newly purchased bottle and then drinks it himself
• The High Concept:
• Walter wants to start a new life as a small town sheriff but his family history is about to smack him upside the head. Walter embraces the future but the past has got him by the tail.
•
• This character’s journey. Walter must go to hell before he can rise to heaven
• An older and wiser sheriff is forced to atone for his family history when he was a reckless younger version of himself.
• The Actor Attractors for this character. SEE SHEET
• Role in the Story: protagonist
• Age range and Description: present day: rugged and good looking, amiable, mid 40’s
• Core Traits: patient, contrite, forgiving, closet alcoholic
• Motivation; Want/Need: wants to start a new life, needs to reconcile with his past
• Wound: carries guilt from his past misdeeds
• Likability well meaning, innocent by ignorance
• Relatability, resembles what many younger men did when they sowed their wild oats but later atoned for it.
• Empathy – he didn’t know what he didn’t know
•

• 7. Character Subtext: Walter must hide his alcoholism
• 8. Character Intrigue: Wants to settle into a new community and forget about the past
• 9. Flaw: Dismissed his family without just cause
• 10. Values: family
• 11. Character Dilemma: Does he try to track down his daughter? Or forget about her.

“Based on this Profile, what actions could this character take here?” “What actions could this character take in the future of the script because of what happened in this beat?”
-Walter has taken a new job as sheriff in a small desert town. But he has a drinking problem he hides. Intrigue – Walter has a drinking problem, can’t forget the family he abandoned. (Prior to this, he applied to the FBI but was turned down.)
Hide a bottle in his desk, do a lot of breath mints, take quick shots, steal from the unit’s stash,
-Lets a speeder off with a warning, shows mercy,
Helps a baby deer off the road
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
With his estranged daughter, a waitress, a librarian
-hits on a staid librarian
– Set aside a small fortune for his daughter in the hopes he would someday see her again and also give back her doll he kept all those years. He in fact did return to his house to gather some things before leaving for good.

Likability: tries to make amends for his past
-goes to church, confession
-reads a book about salvation and forgiveness
——————————
Lead Character Name: Morris, Walter’s estranged stepson
Role: (Antagonist)
What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
A smart but morally bankrupt trouble maker.
What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Mean to everyone except his sisters.
What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
Cleans up June’s messes after she kills. Savage when he wants to be
How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
Like to quote Shakespeare, which quiets June in the shadows.
What could be this character’s emotional range
Kind and gentle to mean and nasty
What subtext can the actor play?
He can play Walter all day long, get the truth out of him, while hiding the fact that he raped a 16-year-old girl while accusing Walter of basically the same thing.
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
Toys with the idea of having sex with June, until interrupted by Mara.
How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
Oddly sentimental while being brutal.
What could make this character special and unique?
His last act is to perish while trying to save June.

Morris, Walter’s stepson, sired by a man who left Walter’s wife, Helene, after she mistakenly thought Walter had died at sea.
Arc beginning: immature, resentful, selfish, smart
Arc ending: vengeful, well educated, unkind, humorous
Internal journey; from lonely child raised by his sister Mara to a conniving adult who wants to get even.
External journey; plans down the smallest detail for how he’s going to make Walter pay for abandoning them.

• 7. Character Subtext: Morris
• 8. Character Intrigue: Wants to make Walter pay for his past
• 9. Flaw: likes to make people miserable
• 10. Values: coercion, pain, humiliation, loyalty
• 11. Character Dilemma: Should he take advantage of June and feed his fetish and risk getting caught? He laughs when Mara announces her deep secret.

Intrigue
• Character Name: Morris
• Role: antagonist
• Hidden agendas: tempted to have sex with June, wants to ruin Walter’s life then kill him.
• Competition: he thinks he needs to compete against Walter for Mara’s affection.
• Conspiracies: lure Walter to adeath tribunal
• Secrets: contacts Walter’s old sailor friends to get dirt on him.
• Deception: leaves out Walter’s heroism, concocts the plan to ensnare Walter.
• Unspoken Wound: feels deprived of his real father who abandoned him
• Secret Identity: works to destroy Walter anyway he can.
• Likability: smart, clever, loyal to Mara
• Relatability: deprived of a father figure, he tries to act tough
• Empathy: sacrifices himself when the going gets tough
• The High Concept. Morris is the would-be high horse to Walter’s falling off his.
• This character’s journey. Morris slowly cools his vengeance and turns it into sacrifice
• The Actor Attractors for this character. See sheet
• Role in the Story: antagonist, veritable bee in Walter’s bonnet.
• Age range and Description: 23, lean,
• Core Traits: fidgety, impulsive, persuasive
• Motivation; Want/Need: wants to impress Mara, needs to grow up
• Wound: feels deprived
• Likability, knows shakespeare
• Relatability, feels he must protect Mara
• Empathy abandoned by his father

Morris
“Based on this Profile, what actions could this character take here?” “What actions could this character take in the future of the script because of what happened in this beat?”
Morris is very clever, gives a few clues but nothing concrete – he likes to use Shakespeare quotes. Morris grew up resentful. He stays close to Lara in order to find Walter.
-gives Walter a few clues that he figures out; his ego gets the better of him
-hides his own shame about his father abandoning him until he returns when Walter is 21.
-preachy to hide his own faillings – very critical of Walter and of Lara.
Morris pulls a gun on and ties him up and pistol whips him. Lara is aghast.
-laughs about it, explains how Walter deserved it. blames Walter for the murders.
Morris likes to scare people
-he frightens a little girl in town, kicks a puppy.
(After Lara presents June and tells who she really is)
Morris makes a cruel joke and laughs. Even he didn’t know Lara’s secret until now – he thinks its hilarious.
————
LARA
Lead Character Name: Margaret (Lara) Egan, Walter’s daughter who he last saw when she was 3 years old.
Role: Antagonist turned ally
What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Emotional range, beauty, sincerity, a sort of naïve innocence, forgiving
What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
She was harmed the most yet took care of her deranged sister. Was always kind to her, the only person who could calm her down.
What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
Offer to take the fall for her sister, forgive her father, sing a song to calm he sister down. Hug her sister, and tell her about her father named Walter, “a brave man of the sea.”
How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
She. Portrays a young girl who can look older for the part (15 year range), beautiful either way. She gives the money she earned as a call girl to a little poor girl.
What could be this character’s emotional range
From joyous to profound sadness, a willingness to start anew
What subtext can the actor play?
She can withhold her secret until it has the greatest effect on her father. She can mislead the police convincingly. She can have a chance encounter with her father and not let on.
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
With her estranged father.
How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
Kind, prophetic, angelic, but at times frantic
What could make this character special and unique?
If she continually put the needs of her sister above her own.

Main character Margaret (Lara) antagonist turned protagonist, Walter’s estranged daughter left to fend for herself after getting pregnant at 18 while working as a call girl and who lost her mother who died from a broken heart. Helps her half brother Morris track down Walter and hold him accountable for his past sins.
Arc beginning: naïve, impulsive, troubled
Arc ending: mature, hopeful, forgiving
Internal journey: must come to terms with her predicament of raising a mentally challenged daughter who she can’t control partly due to her own inner rage aimed at her father for abandoning her.
External journey: Raises June and goes from a resentful young girl to a caring and gentle mother to June,
Old ways: careless, irresponsible, desperate, generous
New way: loving, forgiving, mature, generous

3. Interesting Actions:
• Caring for and hiding June.
• Reluctantly participating in Morris’s schemes to frame Walter.
• Confronting Walter about his past.
• Protecting June from the authorities.
• Transitioning from an antagonist to a protagonist.
4. Introduction:
• Introduce Lara in a tense situation, perhaps struggling to control June or dealing with the aftermath of one of June’s actions. This immediately establishes her inner conflict and strength.
Unique Voice:
• Lara’s voice is one of resilience and guarded vulnerability, initially tough and guarded, gradually softening as she comes to terms with her past and her future.
She sings to June to calm her down
intrigue
• Character Name: Lara
• Role: dramatic triangle pro/ant
• Hidden agendas: hides her sister to protect her, knows who got her preg
• Competition: stay one step ahead of the authorities
• Conspiracies: lure Walter to a death tribunal
• Secrets: She is June’s sister and mother
• Deception: smiles, gazes at Walter in the café,
• Unspoken Wound: she feels tremendous guilt over her time with the sailor
• Secret Identity: mother and sister to the same person, she had sex with her father not knowing who he was.

• The High Concept. Lara’s life was turned upside down when she was young and she’s spent the rest of her life dealing with it.
• This character’s journey. Lara discovers forgiveness on her way to vengeance
• The Actor Attractors for this character. SEE OTHER SHEET
• Role in the Story: Lara serves as the bridge of conscience between Walter and Morris.
• Age range and Description: early 30’s, attractive, inviting personality
• Core Traits: conflicted, patient, nurturing, immature
• Motivation; Want/Need: wants to reunite with her father, needs to make him accountable
• Wound: bore a child by her father but neither knew their identity
• Likability, calm, patient, friendly,
• Relatability, good mother, tolerant, moral, desperate
• Empathy put in a tough situation

• 7. Character Subtext: Lara has never told anyone that Walter is June’s father.
• 8. Character Intrigue: Wants to use Morris’s tracking down Walter to find him and possibly reconcile.
• 9. Flaw: Easily manipulated by Morris
• 10. Values: family, responsibility, motherhood, justice
• 11. Character Dilemma: Does she or doesn’t she tell her father.
“Based on this Profile, what actions could this character take here?” “What actions could this character take in the future of the script because of what happened in this beat?”
She knits a pair of mittens (for June)
She acts as Walter’s conscious, asking probing insightful questions
Smarter than she acts
Mirrors her mother, making the best out of a very bad situation
Protects her daughter like a mother cub
Frantically angelic is most things she says and does – nothing shocks her.

Protagonist Walter profile:
Lead Character Name: Sheriff Walter Egan, a man running from his past until it overtakes him.
Role: Protagonist
What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Closet alcoholic, lied on his application to the FBI, in denial,
What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
He’s trying to get his life together but keeps getting shafted
What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
Lets a speeder off with a warning, shows mercy, takes a beating, apologizes to his daughter, says he loves her
How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
If he lets a speeder get away in order to avoid an accident
What could be this character’s emotional range
From frustrated to elated
What subtext can the actor play?
Lies about his background, his escape from a prison in the West Congo, his drinking
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
With his estranged daughter, a waitress, a librarian
How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
As sincere, and forthcoming when confronted
What could make this character special and unique?
Set aside a small fortune for his daughter in the hopes he would some day see her again and also give back her doll which he still has.

Character Arc Beginning: Irresponsible, care-free, abandons his family, has sex with a young girl
Arc Ending: responsible, honorable, honest, remorseful
Internal Journey: Walter goes from being haunted by his memories to finally confronting them in stark terms.
External Journey: Walter goes from being a wanton irresponsible pleasure seeking sailor to a concerned and fair-minded Sheriff who cares about his family.
Old Ways: Walter is self-consumed, careless, hedonistic, absent father
New Ways: kind, responsible, law abiding and upstanding lawman

Intrigue
• Character Name: Walter
• Role: Protagonist
• Hidden agendas: closet alcoholic, trying to forget the past, be a good sheriff
• Competition: with himself
• Conspiracies: trying to run from his past sin of abandoning his family
• Secrets: drinker, likes call girls, killed 3 prison guards
• Deception: hides his past from the FBI
• Unspoken Wound: guilt over family
• Secret Identity: he doesn’t know it
•
• Likability: tries to make amends for his past
• Relatability: give people the benefit of the doubt
• Empathy: lets people off the hook
• Generous in a different way; talks a drunk out of his newly purchased bottle and then drinks it himself
• The High Concept:
• Walter wants to start a new life as a small town sheriff but his family history is about to smack him upside the head. Walter embraces the future but the past has got him by the tail.
•
• This character’s journey. Walter must go to hell before he can rise to heaven
• An older and wiser sheriff is forced to atone for his family history when he was a reckless younger version of himself.
• The Actor Attractors for this character. SEE SHEET
• Role in the Story: protagonist
• Age range and Description: present day: rugged and good looking, amiable, mid 40’s
• Core Traits: patient, contrite, forgiving, closet alcoholic
• Motivation; Want/Need: wants to start a new life, needs to reconcile with his past
• Wound: carries guilt from his past misdeeds
• Likability well meaning, innocent by ignorance
• Relatability, resembles what many younger men did when they sowed their wild oats but later atoned for it.
• Empathy – he didn’t know what he didn’t know
•

• 7. Character Subtext: Walter must hide his alcoholism
• 8. Character Intrigue: Wants to settle into a new community and forget about the past
• 9. Flaw: Dismissed his family without just cause
• 10. Values: family
• 11. Character Dilemma: Does he try to track down his daughter? Or forget about her.

“Based on this Profile, what actions could this character take here?” “What actions could this character take in the future of the script because of what happened in this beat?”
-Walter has taken a new job as sheriff in a small desert town. But he has a drinking problem he hides. Intrigue – Walter has a drinking problem, can’t forget the family he abandoned. (Prior to this, he applied to the FBI but was turned down.)
Hide a bottle in his desk, do a lot of breath mints, take quick shots, steal from the unit’s stash,
-Lets a speeder off with a warning, shows mercy,
Helps a baby deer off the road
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
With his estranged daughter, a waitress, a librarian
-hits on a staid librarian
– Set aside a small fortune for his daughter in the hopes he would someday see her again and also give back her doll he kept all those years. He in fact did return to his house to gather some things before leaving for good.

Likability: tries to make amends for his past
-goes to church, confession
-reads a book about salvation and forgiveness
——————————
Lead Character Name: Morris, Walter’s estranged stepson
Role: (Antagonist)
What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
A smart but morally bankrupt trouble maker.
What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Mean to everyone except his sisters.
What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
Cleans up June’s messes after she kills. Savage when he wants to be
How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
Like to quote Shakespeare, which quiets June in the shadows.
What could be this character’s emotional range
Kind and gentle to mean and nasty
What subtext can the actor play?
He can play Walter all day long, get the truth out of him, while hiding the fact that he raped a 16-year-old girl while accusing Walter of basically the same thing.
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
Toys with the idea of having sex with June, until interrupted by Mara.
How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
Oddly sentimental while being brutal.
What could make this character special and unique?
His last act is to perish while trying to save June.

Morris, Walter’s stepson, sired by a man who left Walter’s wife, Helene, after she mistakenly thought Walter had died at sea.
Arc beginning: immature, resentful, selfish, smart
Arc ending: vengeful, well educated, unkind, humorous
Internal journey; from lonely child raised by his sister Mara to a conniving adult who wants to get even.
External journey; plans down the smallest detail for how he’s going to make Walter pay for abandoning them.

• 7. Character Subtext: Morris
• 8. Character Intrigue: Wants to make Walter pay for his past
• 9. Flaw: likes to make people miserable
• 10. Values: coercion, pain, humiliation, loyalty
• 11. Character Dilemma: Should he take advantage of June and feed his fetish and risk getting caught? He laughs when Mara announces her deep secret.

Intrigue
• Character Name: Morris
• Role: antagonist
• Hidden agendas: tempted to have sex with June, wants to ruin Walter’s life then kill him.
• Competition: he thinks he needs to compete against Walter for Mara’s affection.
• Conspiracies: lure Walter to adeath tribunal
• Secrets: contacts Walter’s old sailor friends to get dirt on him.
• Deception: leaves out Walter’s heroism, concocts the plan to ensnare Walter.
• Unspoken Wound: feels deprived of his real father who abandoned him
• Secret Identity: works to destroy Walter anyway he can.
• Likability: smart, clever, loyal to Mara
• Relatability: deprived of a father figure, he tries to act tough
• Empathy: sacrifices himself when the going gets tough
• The High Concept. Morris is the would-be high horse to Walter’s falling off his.
• This character’s journey. Morris slowly cools his vengeance and turns it into sacrifice
• The Actor Attractors for this character. See sheet
• Role in the Story: antagonist, veritable bee in Walter’s bonnet.
• Age range and Description: 23, lean,
• Core Traits: fidgety, impulsive, persuasive
• Motivation; Want/Need: wants to impress Mara, needs to grow up
• Wound: feels deprived
• Likability, knows shakespeare
• Relatability, feels he must protect Mara
• Empathy abandoned by his father

Morris
“Based on this Profile, what actions could this character take here?” “What actions could this character take in the future of the script because of what happened in this beat?”
Morris is very clever, gives a few clues but nothing concrete – he likes to use Shakespeare quotes. Morris grew up resentful. He stays close to Lara in order to find Walter.
-gives Walter a few clues that he figures out; his ego gets the better of him
-hides his own shame about his father abandoning him until he returns when Walter is 21.
-preachy to hide his own faillings – very critical of Walter and of Lara.
Morris pulls a gun on and ties him up and pistol whips him. Lara is aghast.
-laughs about it, explains how Walter deserved it. blames Walter for the murders.
Morris likes to scare people
-he frightens a little girl in town, kicks a puppy.
(After Lara presents June and tells who she really is)
Morris makes a cruel joke and laughs. Even he didn’t know Lara’s secret until now – he thinks its hilarious.
————
LARA
Lead Character Name: Margaret (Lara) Egan, Walter’s daughter who he last saw when she was 3 years old.
Role: Antagonist turned ally
What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Emotional range, beauty, sincerity, a sort of naïve innocence, forgiving
What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
She was harmed the most yet took care of her deranged sister. Was always kind to her, the only person who could calm her down.
What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
Offer to take the fall for her sister, forgive her father, sing a song to calm he sister down. Hug her sister, and tell her about her father named Walter, “a brave man of the sea.”
How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
She. Portrays a young girl who can look older for the part (15 year range), beautiful either way. She gives the money she earned as a call girl to a little poor girl.
What could be this character’s emotional range
From joyous to profound sadness, a willingness to start anew
What subtext can the actor play?
She can withhold her secret until it has the greatest effect on her father. She can mislead the police convincingly. She can have a chance encounter with her father and not let on.
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
With her estranged father.
How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
Kind, prophetic, angelic, but at times frantic
What could make this character special and unique?
If she continually put the needs of her sister above her own.

Main character Margaret (Lara) antagonist turned protagonist, Walter’s estranged daughter left to fend for herself after getting pregnant at 18 while working as a call girl and who lost her mother who died from a broken heart. Helps her half brother Morris track down Walter and hold him accountable for his past sins.
Arc beginning: naïve, impulsive, troubled
Arc ending: mature, hopeful, forgiving
Internal journey: must come to terms with her predicament of raising a mentally challenged daughter who she can’t control partly due to her own inner rage aimed at her father for abandoning her.
External journey: Raises June and goes from a resentful young girl to a caring and gentle mother to June,
Old ways: careless, irresponsible, desperate, generous
New way: loving, forgiving, mature, generous
Antagonist:

3. Interesting Actions:
• Caring for and hiding June.
• Reluctantly participating in Morris’s schemes to frame Walter.
• Confronting Walter about his past.
• Protecting June from the authorities.
• Transitioning from an antagonist to a protagonist.
4. Introduction:
• Introduce Lara in a tense situation, perhaps struggling to control June or dealing with the aftermath of one of June’s actions. This immediately establishes her inner conflict and strength.
Unique Voice:
• Lara’s voice is one of resilience and guarded vulnerability, initially tough and guarded, gradually softening as she comes to terms with her past and her future.
She sings to June to calm her down
intrigue
• Character Name: Lara
• Role: dramatic triangle pro/ant
• Hidden agendas: hides her sister to protect her, knows who got her preg
• Competition: stay one step ahead of the authorities
• Conspiracies: lure Walter to a death tribunal
• Secrets: She is June’s sister and mother
She knits a pair of mittens (for June)
She acts as Walter’s conscious, asking probing insightful questions
Smarter than she acts
Mirrors her mother, making the best out of a very bad situation
Protects her daughter like a mother cub
Frantically angelic is most things she says and does – nothing shocks her.

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  John Trimbach.
• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  John Trimbach.

[John Trimbach]

John’s Actor Attractors
Vision; sell or option two scripts this year and hire a manager
What I learned is these questions open up new avenues of complexity.
Lead Character Name: Sheriff Walter Egan, a man running from his past until it overtakes him.
Role: Protagonist
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Closet alcoholic, lied on his application to the FBI, in denial,
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
He’s trying to get his life together but keeps getting shafted
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
Lets a speeder off with a warning, shows mercy, takes a beating, apologizes to his daughter, says he loves her
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
If he lets a speeder get away in order to avoid an accident
5. What could be this character’s emotional range
From frustrated to elated
6. What subtext can the actor play?
Lies about his background, his escape from a prison in the West Congo, his drinking
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
With his estranged daughter, a waitress, a librarian
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
As sincere, and forthcoming when confronted
9. What could make this character special and unique?
Set aside a small fortune for his daughter in the hopes he would some day see her again and also give back her doll which he still has.

Lead Character Name: Margaret (Mara) Egan, Walter’s daughter whom he hasn’t seen in 15 years when she was only 3 years old.
Role: Antagonist turned ally
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Emotional range, beauty, sincerity, a sort of naïve innocence, forgiving
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
She was harmed the most yet took care of her deranged sister. Was always kind to her, the only person who could calm her down.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
Offer to take the fall for her sister, forgive her father, sing a song to calm he sister down. Hug her sister, and tell her about her father named Walter, “a brave man of the sea.”
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
She. Portrays a young girl who can look older for the part (15 year range), beautiful either way. She gives the money she earned as a call girl to a little poor girl.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range
From joyous to profound sadness, a willingness to start anew
6. What subtext can the actor play?
She can withhold her secret until it has the greatest effect on her father. She can mislead the police convincingly. She can have a chance encounter with her father and not let on.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
With her estranged father.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
Kind, prophetic, angelic, but at times frantic
9. What could make this character special and unique?
If she continually put the needs of her sister above her own.

Lead Character Name: Morris, Walter’s estranged stepson
Role: (Antagonist)
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
A smart but morally bankrupt trouble maker.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Mean to everyone except his sisters.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
Cleans up June’s messes after she kills. Savage when he wants to be
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
Like to quote Shakespeare, uses a soothing voice with June.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range
Kind and gentle to mean and nasty
6. What subtext can the actor play?
He can play Walter all day long, get the truth out of him, while hiding the fact that he raped a 16-year-old girl while accusing Walter of basically the same thing.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
Toys with the idea of having sex with June, until interrupted by Mara.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
Oddly sentimental while being brutal.
9. What could make this character special and unique?
His last act is to perish while trying to save June.

[John Trimbach]

John’s Genre Conventions

Vision: sell or option 2 scripts and hire a manager – this year!

What I learned is that AI came up with a few additional ways to honor the Thriller genre.

Title: Be Still

Concept: A new sheriff is hired to solve mysterious murders in a small desert town but he doesn’t know that the family he abandoned 15 years ago is setting him up as the killer.

Genre: Thriller
Thriller conventions: plot twists, high stakes, suspense derived from the danger, life and death, villain intrigue, hero is unknowing, unwitting, and resourceful, lots of tension, anticipation, uncertainty, and surprise.
ACT I

FB – Younger Walter, a 36-year-old sailor, after a 14-year absence, stops for a 1-night stand before making his way home. He’s shocked to find out his wife has remarried and had a son and his daughter has run off. Walter leaves, angry and depressed.

Present Day (15 Years Later)
Opening
The new Sheriff, Walter Egan, 51, is in hot pursuit of car thieves. He follows them at breakneck speed but backs off when he sees a sharp turn up ahead. But the car races ahead flips over and explodes into flames.

Walter calls in the crash to his deputy, Clare. She sends fire and rescue. Walter tells her the crash is near the turnoff to the old Brown house, the site of unsolved murders. Walter is on the news.

• Morris plants false evidence to frame Walter:
1. Coincidental Evidence: Morris arranges for items from Walter's past, such as an old sailor's knife with his initials, to be found near the crime scenes.
2. Misleading Clues: He leaves personal items of Walter at the scene, such as a handkerchief with Walter's initials.
3. Falsified Letters: Morris creates letters that suggest Walter had a motive for the murders, such as blackmail threats.
4. Planted Witnesses: Morris bribes or coerces individuals to testify that they saw Walter near the old brown house around the time of the murders.
5. Tampered Footage: Morris manipulates surveillance footage to show Walter in suspicious locations at critical times.

MORRIS TRACKS DOWN ONE OF WALTER’S OLD SHIPMATES WHO TELLS HIM HOW WALTER FREED THE MEN FROM A PIRATE’S PRISON BY CUTTING THE THROATS OF 3 GUARDS.

Inciting incident
A mysterious couple tries to lure Walter to his death by speeding by him. He gives chase but backs off, loses them. THE PEOPLE AT THE DINER SEEM UNSETTLED, APREHENSIVE ABOUT THEIR NEW SHERIFF. THE WHOLE TOWN IS UNDER TENSION.

TP
Near the Brown House – Night
A couple of squatters are attacked, one sliced and diced, the other escapes. The mysterious killer has returned.

ACT II

New Plan:

Walter responds to the anonymous call along with an FBI agent. Perhaps now the murders can be solved. AN ANONYMOUS CALLER IMPLICATES WALTER IS INVOLVED IN THE MURDER. CLARE IS CURIOUS.

Plan in action:

Walter takes the bait this time tails the couple to the Brown house. He sees them take off on foot. Deputy Clare is on here way for backup. SHE TELLS WALTER THAT THE OWNER’S NAME HAS BEEN TRACKED DOWN BY THE FBI – IT’S WALTER’S NAME!

Mdpt TP

Deputy Clare is mauled to death at the Brown House. Walter and the FBI investigate. Walter is now a suspect. WALTER PURSUES THE COUPLE ON FOOT AND TEARS HIS SHIRT OF BRAMBLES, LEAVING A BLOOD STAIN. THEY FIND HER BODY CLAWED TO DEATH IN A THICKET OF BRAMBLES. FBI AGENT NOTICES THAT CLARE NEVER UNHOLSTERED HER WEAPON. HE BEGINS TO SUSPECT WALTER.

ACT III

Rethink everything.
Walter must quickly solve the case in order to absolve himself. He returns to the Brown house, gets knocked out. He comes to, tied to a chair.

New Plan: Escape the interrogation death tribunal by a man and woman, Morris and Mara.

TP: Huge Failure/Major Shift
Mara tells Walter he’s her father and that’s why he’s responsible for everything. Then she reveals her dark secret. Walter is overcome with regret.

ACT IV

Final Plan

Walter gets free and tries to escape, caught by Morris. Mara stops him from hitting Morris by producing her crazy sister, the killer. And then she reveals her secret. Walter is overcome with regret.

Climax

Morris comes to, poised to kill Walter. Fight begins, fire starts. Morris tries to rescue the sister but both get caught in the flames. Brown house burns down. Walter and Mara narrowly escape.

Resolution:
Walter and Margaret leave arm in arm, reunited.

Version 2 With More Thriller Elements:

ACT I

FB – Younger Walter, a 36-year-old sailor, after a 14-year absence, stops for a 1-night stand before making his way home. He’s shocked to find out his wife has remarried and had a son and his daughter has run off. Walter leaves, angry and depressed.

Present Day (15 Years Later)

Opening
The new Sheriff, Walter Egan, 51, is in hot pursuit of car thieves. He follows them at breakneck speed but backs off when he sees a sharp turn up ahead. But the car races ahead flips over and explodes into flames.

Walter calls in the crash to his deputy, Clare. She sends fire and rescue. Walter tells her the crash is near the turnoff to the old Brown house, the site of unsolved murders. Walter is on the news.

Inciting incident
A mysterious couple tries to lure Walter to his death by speeding by him. He gives chase but backs off, loses them.

TP
Near the Brown House – Night
A couple of squatters are attacked, one sliced and diced, the other escapes. The mysterious killer has returned.

ACT II

New Plan:
Walter responds to the anonymous call along with an FBI agent. Perhaps now the murders can be solved.

Plan in action:
Walter takes the bait this time tails the couple to the Brown house. He sees them take off on foot. Deputy Clare is on her way for backup.

Mdpt TP
. Deputy Clare is mauled to death NEAR the Brown House. Walter and the FBI AGENT investigate.

ACT III

Rethink everything.
Walter’s Struggle:
• Walter becomes increasingly isolated as the townspeople begin to turn against him. He starts to piece together his troubled history about his family but the full picture remains elusive.

Walter must quickly solve the case in order to absolve himself. He returns to the Brown house, gets knocked out. He comes to, tied to a chair.

New Plan: Escape the interrogation death tribunal by a man and woman, Morris and Mara. MORRIS BRAGS ABOUT ALL THE WAYS HE’S SET HIM UP TO TAKE THE FALL.

TP: Huge Failure/Major Shift

Mara tells Walter he’s her father and that’s why he’s responsible for everything. Then she reveals her dark secret. Walter is overcome with regret.

ACT IV
Final Plan

Walter gets free and tries to escape, caught by Morris. Mara stops him from hitting Morris by producing her crazy sister, the killer. And then she reveals her DARK secret. Walter is overcome with regret.

Climax
Morris comes to, poised to kill Walter. Fight begins, LAMP KNOCKED OVER, fire starts. Morris tries to rescue the sister but both get caught in the flames. Brown house burns down. Walter and Mara narrowly escape.

Resolution:
Walter and Margaret leave arm in arm, reunited AND RECONCILED.

Other AI ideas:FBI AGENT FINDS WALTER’S FINGERPRINTS INSIDE THE HOUSE.
Enhancements:
• Character Depth: Develop deeper backstories for Walter, Mara, and Morris to enhance their motivations and emotional arcs.
• Suspenseful Moments: Include scenes that build suspense through close calls, red herrings, and unexpected twists.
• Visual Tension: Use the desolate desert setting to create a sense of isolation and danger, heightening the thriller elements.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by  John Trimbach.

[John Trimbach]

John’s 4 Act Transformational Structure
Vision: sell or option 2 scripts and hire a manager this year!
What I learned is that AI can sometimes help spark new ideas.
“Be Still” Outline
• Concept – Walter Egan, a young sailor turned old sheriff is forced to confront sins of the past that includes murders by a daughter he didn’t know he had and his other daughter, Lara, who with her half-brother, Morris, lead Walter to his own death tribunal.
• Main Conflict – Walter must solve the murders before Lara and Morris carry out a threatened death sentence and before a probing FBI agent concludes that the Sheriff is the killer.
• Old Ways – A reformed law and order man who believes the past is behind him and that he has no ties to his immediate family.
• New Ways – A truly repentant man who makes amends and happily reunites with what’s left of his family, his daughter.
3. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.
OUTLINE:
ACT I

FB – Younger Walter, 36, after a 15-year absence, stops for drinks with his buddies and a 1-night stand then makes his way home. He finds that his wife has remarried and had a son and his daughter has run off. Walter leaves, angry and depressed.

Present Day

Opening
AM: The new Sheriff, Walter Egan, 46, is in hot pursuit of car thieves. He follows them along a lonely desert highway, notorious for drag racing. He follows them at breakneck speed but there’s a sharp turn up ahead. The car races ahead flips over and explodes into flames.

Walter calls in the crash to his deputy, Clare. She sends fire and rescue. Walter tells her the crash is near the turnoff to the old Brown house, the site of unsolved murders. He blames himself.

Inciting incident
A couple devises a plan to lure Walter to his death. He gives chase but lets them get away.

TP
Near the Brown House – Night
Two stragglers are attacked, one sliced and diced, the other escapes. The mysterious killer has returned.

ACT II

New Plan:
Walter responds to the anonymous call along with an FBI agent. Perhaps now the murders can be solved.

Plan in action:
Walter takes the bait, tails Morris and Mara. He won’t let them get away this time.

Mdpt TP
Deputy Clare is mauled to death at the old Brown House. Walter and the FBI investigate. Walter is now a suspect.

ACT III

Rethink everything.
Walter must quickly solve to the case in order to absolve himself. He returns to the Brown house, gets knocked out.

New Plan: escape the interrogation by Morris and Mara.

TP: Huge Failure/Major Shift
Mara tells Walter he’s her father and that’s why he’s responsible for everything. Then she reveals her dark secret. Walter is overcome with regret and sorrow.

ACT IV
Final Plan
Walter gets free and tries to escape, caught by Morris. Mara stops him from hitting Morris by producing her crazy sister, the killer. And then she reveals her secret. Walter is overcome with regret.

Climax
Morris comes to, poised to kill Walter. Fight begins, fire starts. Morris tries to rescue sister but both get caught in the flames. Brown house burns down.

Resolution:
Walter and Margaret leave arm in arm, reunited.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by  John Trimbach.

[John Trimbach]

John’s Subtext Plot
My vision is to sell or option two scripts and hire a manager this year.
I learned that every now and then if given the proper guidance, AI can come up with some good ideas and set ups.
Concept: Walter, a sailorman turned sheriff is forced to confront his sins from 15 years earlier (for example, that he unknowingly impregnated his own 18-year-old daughter on a one-night stand because he hadn’t seen her in 15 years) and that June, the result of this illicit encounter, is murdering people at the old brown house which is in Walter’s jurisdiction. Walter is unaware the young couple luring him to a death tribunal to hold him accountable is none other than he daughter, 33-year-old Mara and her half-brother, Morris, 23. Walter is also unaware that Mara and Morris take care of June at the old brown house but must keep her confined in a secret underground chamber for her own good. They don’t know, however, that June has discovered a way to escape her secret room and attack anyone who enters the house.
Tell us your concept and your choice of one or two of these Subtext Plots.
Give us a few sentences on how your Subtext Plot will play out inside this story.
Layering:
Lots of misleading lines of inquiry: Like Walter, the reader is unaware of who is murdering people until the major revelation during the Climax where Walter is shocke to learn that both Mara and June are his daughters.
Someone Hides Who They Are:
As a nosy FBI Agent grows suspicious of Walter because of Morris’s planted evidence, Walter must lie about certain aspects of the case in order to divert guilt away from him and towards a mysterious pyscho killer on the loose.

[John Trimbach]

John’s Transformational Journey
Vision: Sell or option 2 screenplays and acquire a manager for the rest.
What I learned doing this assignment is that AI needs a little coaxing with some of the more subtle story details
Main Character Sheriff Walter Egan
• Character Arc Beginning: Irresponsible, care-free, abandons his family, has sex with a young girl
• Arc Ending: responsible, honorable, honest, remorseful
• Internal Journey: Walter goes from being haunted by his memories to finally confronting them in stark terms.
• External Journey: Walter goes from being a wanton irresponsible pleasure seeking sailor to a concerned and fair-minded Sheriff who cares about his family.
• Old Ways: Walter is self-consumed, careless, hedonistic, absent father
• New Ways: kind, responsible, law abiding and upstanding lawman

[John Trimbach]

Vision: to sell this script and several others and get a manager this year.
What I learned is that the non-specificity of AI can help keep the story general until later when theme, character and plot congeal.

Sheriff Walter Egan
• Role: Protagonist
• Journey: Walter is torn between his duty as sheriff to uphold the law and paternal instincts that overwhelm his shame and despair when confronting the truth.
• Unique: Walter’s moral ambiguity and his past misdeeds contribute to the story’s tension, making him a complex figure whose true intentions are hard to decipher.
• Intentional: His layered personality and reformed persona are instrumental in unfolding the mystery and moral dilemmas at the heart of the plot.
Emily Mercer
• Role: Antagonist
• Journey: Emily struggles with her dilemma – does she defend or attack the man she believes ruined her life. Her fate seems to be in the hands of Walter but he must convince that what happened to her was partly her doing.
• Unique: Emily’s deep sense of guilt and despair conflict with her sense of family and protecting her sister from the law.
• Intentional: Emily serves as Walter conscience and the narrative drive to confron the demons that have haunted her family for year.
Morris, Emily’s half brother
Role: dramatic triangle,
Journey: Morris serves as a resentful judge and jury over the fate of Walter and even Emily propelled with a sense of outrage over understanding and condemnation over sacrifice.
Unique: Ultimately, Walter and Emily must overcome Morris’ outer failings to address their inner wounds.
Intentional: Morris wants to control the evolution of exposed raw feelings but he will go too far and end up condemning himself.

[John Trimbach]

Vision: I would like to get my first script sold or optioned this year and hire a manager.

I learned that having a big picture of the concept is super critical because it serves as an initial framework from which to proceed.

Character Structure: dramatic triangle

Title: The Last Detour

Concept: A sheriff is lured to his own death tribunal by a couple on a desert road trip, but nothing is as it seems.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by  John Trimbach.

[John Trimbach]

Fresh new perspectives never grow old.

[John Trimbach]

Greetings, felllow creators! John, here.

I’ve written 4 scripts, 1 learning, 2 under Hal, and one for hire.

3. What you hope to get out of the class?
Now that I’m retired, I can bore into the meat of Halscriptology – always a blast!

4. In 2007, I wrote a book about my father’s FBI experiences and about Leonard Peltier, convicted of executing two young FBI agents in 1975 (American Indian Mafia). As a resident of Coleman Federal Pen, inmate Peltier remains unrepentant and very guilty thus sealing his fate before parole boards. It looks like, however, Biden will grant him executive clemency. Yeah, there’s a script in there somewhere…

[John Trimbach]

John Trimbach

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[John Trimbach]

What I learned doing this assignment is that Phil is forced through merciless repetition to repeatedly learn from his mistakes and thus achieve true self-fulfillment and a sense of immortality.1. What is the CHANGE this movie is about? What is the Transformational Journey of this movie?

The change is all Phil’s – he must change before his nightmare can end. This is the classic Beauty and the Beast story: Phil must figure out that the only way to break the spell is to learn to love and, even more challenging, have Rita love him back. Along the way, Phil learns how to appreciate life and see value in others.

2. Lead characters:

– Who is the Change Agent (the one causing the change) and what makes this the right character to cause the change?

Rita comes into Phil’s life with honesty, beauty and a positive outlook, the opposite of Phil’s view of the world. Rita becomes the magnet.

– Who is the Transformable Character (the one who makes the change) and what makes them the right character to deliver this profound journey?

Phil is conceited, cynical, and he hates people. He is the perfect character to transform because he is so unlikable and negative. Nowhere to go but up.

– What is the Oppression?

Phil is oppressed by himself. He sees bleakness and mundanity everywhere he looks. He views everyone in the small town as boring, ordinary and undeserving.

3. How are we lured into the profound journey? What causes us to connect with this story?

Through dark humor and Murray’s shtick, we see Phil as the perfect vehicle to begin a journey out of his self-centered doldrums of seeing everyone as a mere placeholder to seeing everyone as unique, with individual qualities and talents and appeal that were always there if only he looked. Rita is the jewel that attracts us just as Phil is eventually attracted to Rita through her charm and beauty and honesty.

4. Looking at the character(s) who are changed the most, what is the profound journey? From “old ways” to “new way of being.”

Identify their old way:

Phil’s bleak outlook on the world. Rita thinks Phil is an self-centered oddball.

Identify their new way at the conclusion:

Phil embraces Rita’s qualities and falls in love with her. Rita sees the new Phil (without seeing the old) and loves him back.

5. What is the gradient the change? What steps did the Transformational Character go through as they were changing?

Phil is doomed to relive Ground Hog Day until he realizes he must change in order for the day to change. Phil embarks on a massive self-improvement plan.

6. How is the “old way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?

By reliving the same set of circumstances endlessly, Phil figures out that he must change and embrace the change he can create in others. In so doing, Phil sees the good in others and thus sees the good in himself.

7. What are the most profound moments of the movie?

When Phil realizes he is reliving the same day, he freaks out and rebels. Later, he tries to kill himself but even that does not free him from his nightmare. Only when he falls in love with Rita does he see the light. Then, he must figure out a way to have her love him back. At first, Rita rejects Phil’s overtures as selfish and manipulative. Phil has to learn how to appreciate others and become involved in their lives and help them. These are the key turning points.

8. What are the most profound lines of the movie?

Rita: People like Ground Hog Day.

Phil: People like blood sausage. People are idiots.

Phil: What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn’t one today.

In response to Rita:

Phil: My years are not advancing as fast as you might think.

Rita: How do you know so much about Punxsutawney?

Phil: I spend a lot of time here.

Rita: You just can’t plan a day like this.

Phil: Well, you can. It just takes a lot of work.

Phil: There is no way this nightmare is going to end as long as the groundhog keeps seeing his shadow.

Nurse: Sometimes people just die.

Phil: Not today.

Phil: Something is different.

Rita: Good or bad?

Phil: Anything different is good.

Phil: You know what today is?

Rita: No, what?

Phil: Today is tomorrow.

9. How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?

Phil gets everything he wants: Rita, happiness and a new perspective on life.

10. What is the Profound Truth of this movie?

We create our own hell and therefore we can create our own heaven.

[John Trimbach]

I agree to all the terms of this release form.

[John Trimbach]

What is my profound truth?

One’s true self is revealed when put to the test.

What is the change your movie will cause with an audience?

They will identify with the main character and her complete transformation from wall flower to venus fly trap!

What is the entertainment vehicle you will tell this story through?

A domineering boyfriend drags her to an advanced self-discovery resort island where she must learn to dig deep into her true identity if she is to survive.

[John Trimbach]

Hello to this fine group – John T here, been with Hal’s inspirational instruction for several years – wormed my way through several of his courses to pro then master then WIM. Now that I’m newly retired (and have actually hired on with a first-time producer), I can delve deeper into craft-honing insights – the learning never stops!

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Marketable Components

What I learned doing this assignment is that answering these questions suggests taking the story in new directions concerning ULTIMATE, UNIQUE and TIMELY.

1. Tell us your current logline.

A distraught airline captain must evade an ambitious FBI agent who’s tracking an itinerant serial killer.

2. Look through the 10 Components of Marketability and pick a few that have the most potential for selling this script.

A. Unique: The real killer is a disturbed flight attendant, the least likely suspect because she is reserved and helpful.

B. Great Title. TWISTED WINGS

C. True. N/A

D. Timely. Might be, based on current events.

E. It’s a first. Might be.

F. Ultimate. The killer is a she, but really a he.

G. Wide audience appeal. Thrillers thrill.

H. Adapted from a popular book. N/A

I. Similarity to a box-office success. Looking.

J. A great role for a bankable actor. Absolutely

3. Do a quick brainstorm session to elevate the components.

A. The real killer aided by her equally disturbed brother who killed the captain’s wife.

D. Stories in the news about flight crews freaking out.

F. Ultimate. Perhaps the flight attendant plans on blowing herself up, along with everyone on board.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Project and Market

What I learned doing this assignment is just thinking about the concept triggers other aspects of story that deepen the intrigue, irony, and subtext. In particular, the idea of adding a scene where the FBI agent nearly escapes getting killed. Cool!

1. Give us your Genre, Title, and Concept.

Thriller, TWISTED WINGS.

An FBI agent pursues an airline caption suspected of being an itinerant serial killer.

2. In one or two sentences, tell us what you think is most attractive about your story.

Lots of subtext and twists:

The pilot is actually pursuing the real serial killer. The FBI agent is also in the crosshairs of the killer, a flight attendant who has a crush on the captain.

3. Tell us which you will target FIRST — managers, producers, or actor’s production company — and why you picked that target.

I’ll target Indie producers in the market for thrillers – I think they will be more likely to respond positively.

[John Trimbach]

Hello, everyone! Silly me forgot to post here, my seventh? Hal class – every one of them has been outstanding! I’ve written or started 7 scripts, the most recent two born of the Pro series and the Master series. This helped convince a producer I met on Linked-in to hire me as her writer for a Sci-fi action feature: a neuroscientist must stop a madman from using her brain implant to enslave the world (www.theawakenedmovie.com). Here’s hoping that my soon-to-be-retired status as an international airline pilot will motivate, inspire and empower to meet a goal of 2 scripts per year. Essence is of the time!

John M. Trimbach

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Elevated Interest

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that by going down the list one by one, new ideas pop up giving scenes more depth and interest as well as creating new tie-ins for a deeper plot and theme. This list will also come in handy during the next rewrite – one idea will generate others.

Scene 1: Grace is stabbed. Phil is powerless to stop it.

We see the attacker sneak up on the couple. At first, Phil sees no harm in the stranger. Phil is torn between saving Grace and avoiding Manon’s knife. Manon responds to Phil’s pleading by farting, laughing. Phil gets the upper hand until Manon pulls out his dagger. How does Manon know Phil’s name? Grace apologizes to Phil as she lays dying. Why? Manon pretends he just wants money. Phil asks, Who are you? Manon’s answer: “friend of a friend of a friend.”

Scene 3: 3 months later, Phil trains with knives, kali style.

Phil gets carried away and injures his instructor.

In his mind, Phil sees Manon fighting him. At first he seems in control but suddenly changes radically. Phil blurts out, Grace RUN, then realizes what he just said. Instructor feels betrayed by their agreement: This is getting too personal. Phil at a loss for words but pleads to stay in the course. Louise, secret nod to Kwon, waits for Phil so she can drive him home. Phil admits certain things trigger him. Phil appreciates the lift home so that he can avoid the media at his place. They look for him at his house.

Scene 5: Phil dines at the Blue Nest Diner

He’s having an animated conversation in a booth, but there’s no one there.

The waiter thinks he’s crazy – doesn’t know Phil is just following the advice of his shrink. Waiter brings him the check – Phil realizes the waiter is very uncomfortable so Phil continues the ruse, acting as if Grace is across the table. Would you please describe the desert menu to her? The waiter obliges. Phil smiles. The waiter decides to play along, admires her earings.

Scene 6:

Phil snoozes on Tara’s couch waiting for her daughter, Megan, to get home. She gazes at Phil.

Megan gently kisses Phil – he’s dreaming it’s Grace. He abruptly wakes up, pushes Megan to the carpet. A sex scene plays on the TV. Megan gets off on it before kissing Phil. He’s worried she might be hurt. She’s worried he’ll tell her mom, Tara. Just then, Tara walks in. Both are mum.

Scene 8:

Tara throws Megan a surprise birthday party to celebrate her new Flight Attendant job at Airborne Airways.

She greets Phil with a hug and kiss, whispers in his ear. The FA’s and FO’s notice the affection. Tara attributes it to her avuncular neighbor who helped raise Megan. Phil suspects it’s something more. Megan is all bubbles and charm. FA Louise thinks it’s unseemly. She has a thing for Phil, it would seem. The others, amused, agree that Megan’s PDA’s for Phil are a bit over the top. The men chuckle. How will Phil handle Megan in the workplace? For her part, Megan is quick to change her behavior, innocent one moment, sex starved for Phil the next. She announces the breakup with distrustful Biff, her boyfriend, because he does not want her traveling.

Scene 11:

Phil runs down the jetway for the start of a rough day with the FA’s and irate passengers. He’s late.

Co-pilot Stan hits on Louise – not interested. Phil overhears Louise talk trash about Megan. Georgia stands up for Megan – she’s just affectionate. A passenger gets out of line. A couple argues. Louise spills a drink on a million miler. Phil deasl with him. Louise is upset and Phil consoles her. Phils announces a 30-minute gate hold. A young man lets the back of his hand rub against Louise’s leg as she passes by. She pretends not to notice. Megan shows up as a last minute load factor.

Scene 15:

Megan causes quite a stir aboard, flirting and carousing with male passengers.

A strange man, Ray, 30s, takes an interest in Megan. Engages her and finds out which hotel they’re staying at. Notes her employee number. Says he just so happens to be staying at the same hotel.

Scene 16:

Phil meets the girls for drinks at the layover hotel bar, the Quack Up. Megan is late.

Megan preens in her room, talking to herself about how to attract Phil. Meanwhile, in the bar, Louise mocks her greeting to Phil, feels him up as Megan might. Louise excuses herself to the lav. Louise draws an upsidedown smile on the mirror with lipstick, then connects it with a smile. The girls decide to head out for dinner. Phil agrees to wait for Megan. Delilah reminds Phil that he’s taking on a lot being alone with her. He responds he’s more like a father figure. Georgia says more like a chauffeur.

Scene 19:

Louise knocks on Phil’s door, concerned that the creep from the flight was following her.

Is Louise telling the truth? Is Megan a target? We do see the strange dude from the flight roaming the hotel halls. Phil is dressed in black long johns, black pullover sweater. He asks Louise to tell the rest to wait for Megan – Louise says she will. (But she doesn’t.) We see Phil lie down for a nap. But is he really going to nap?

Scene 24:

Megan shows up late, wanders into the bar, calls Georgia who gives her directions to meet them for dinner. Megan gets hit on by an older dude. She was supposed to meet up with Phil. Where is he?

Megan thinks the man in the bar is single but his cell phone rings and it’s his wife. He leaves quickly. Megan decides to strike out on her own. Louise never gave her the direction she said she would. And where’s Phil? We see the creep from the flight sitting at a bar table staring at Megan.

Scene 26

Megan wanders out into the city, gets lost, calls Phil for directions. Is murdered with a knife. Phil discovers her body.

Did Phil lead her to her death on purpose? Megan notes somebody following her but when she turns around, he’s gone. Phil ubers to a block from where he tells Megan to meet him. The dark figure following Megan grabs her from behind and slits her throat. Is it the creep from the bar? Somebody following her? Is it the man from the bar? Is it Phil? Did he really “discover” the body? Police are curious as to how Phil knew where to look.

Scene 20

Phil interferes with a couple of lowlifes abusing a prostitute so he intervenes with newfound knife tactics.

Spike and Ronny lose the fight but gain Phil’s wallet with pics of Grace and Megan. They think they’re alive and plan to get even with Phil for slicing up Spike’s tatoo’ed face by going after Phil’s “bitches.” Phil is now a target himself. Phil believes the hoodlum who murdered Grace is someone from the society of lowlifes.

Scene 51

Phil dresses down to street rags to find and punish Spike for almost killing him.

Phil pretends to be in need of drugs. Spike’s homies pretend to get Spike to come and meet him. Ronny shows up with a gun. Phil receives a call from Louise checking up on him. He tells her where he is. She hops in her car to come rescue him, shows up in the nick of time, just before Ronny fires his gun. Phil is now indebted to Louise. He discovers that she grew up in a rough neighborhood and an abusive father.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Elevated Emotion!

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that going through the process suggests new angles and areas of subtext. It also informed 4 new scenes that play off the new-found intensity. A bonus! Now, to apply the same processes to the new scenes – double bonus! After another readthrough, I’ll try elevating again.

Scene 1 Essence: Grace is attacked and killed – Phil cannot save her.

How Intensified:

Experiencing Distress, Betrayal.

Grace foretells of her demise. Her dying words, “I’m so sorry, my love.” What was she sorry about? Phil not trained to fend off a knife attack. Catches a glimpse of a scorpion tatoo on the attacker’s neck.

Scene 4 Essence: Phil trains for knife fighting at a martial arts studio.

How intensified:

Triggers a wound

Phil goes out of control and injures his instructor.

Scene 5: Phil talks to an imaginary wife at a restaurant booth.

How intensified: Needs, Values, and Goals violated

Is Phil crazy? The waiter thinks so. There’s a place setting for Grace and a glass of her favorite wine.

Scene 7: Megan tries to arouse a sleeping Phil; he reacts.

How intensified: Phil is dreaming about Grace and momentarily confuses Megan for his dead wife. Reacts violently.

Scene 8: Megan shows a little too much affection for her neighbor Phil at a party hosted by her mom celebrating Megan’s new job as a flight attendant.

Raise the stakes. She whispers in Phil’s ear: “Ravish me.”

Increase opposition. Two of the FA’s promise to scold her.

Success mixed with tragedy. Tara tells Phil how sorry she is about losing Grace.

Needs, Values, and Goals fulfilled. Rhonda toasts the youngest new FA at Airborne Airways. Megan thrilled.

Scene 11: Phil shows up late to the cockpit, dashed into the lav. FA’s are concerned, sympathetic. Phil overhears them talking about him and Megan. Their conversation is interrupted by a commotion in the cabin. Louise overreacts.

Raise the stakes. Louise “accidently” spills a drink on an irate passenger to deflect his anger from Rhonda.

Increase opposition. The man complains to Phil.

Make it more painful. Phil reprimands him for barging into the cockpit.

Multiply the impact on others. Several first class passengers start to complain out loud. Phil makes a PA to quell the complaints

Put them in a worse situation. Phil gives the bad news: an ATC delay.

Escalate the conflict. Another passenger demands an explanation for being late.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Dramatic Reveals!

Vision: become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is that digging out the initial reveals suggests new ones and deeper drams to the original ones as well as inform the story,

Demand: S0: Grace is stabbed to death – Phil is helpless to do anything about it.

Reveal: R0: Phil has become an expert knife fighter when he takes on Lewis in the climax. It’s an even match now.

DRAMATICALLY: it’s a fight to the death. Louise is obivously also good with a knife.

S1: Phil broods and has conversations with his dead wife.

R1: He’s not insane – talking with his wife was the technique his shrink advised him to use while grieving.

DRAMATICALLY – Waiters and passersby think he’s crazy.

S2: Louise is a fragile female in need of TLC.

R2. She’s a he, and he’s the killer.

DRAMATICALLY His wig falls off during the climax fight.

S3: Phil practices knife skills for killing.

R3: Phil uses his learned knife skills the ones so that he would never be defenseless as when his wife was stabbed to death.

DRAMATICALLY – stabs his couch repeatedly. Also throws his knife at a dart board in a bar.

S4: Ben has big shoes to fill under the shadow of his father’s legacy.

R4: Ben is credited with solving the crime and saving Phil’s life.

DRAMATICALLY – He also arrests his boss for embezzlement. He’s still lousy with his shooting so Phil kids him about it.

S5: Phil keeps a detailed file on the killings.

P5: Phil was compiling a file to catch the killer.

DRAMATICALLY – Ben thinks Phil’s map is proof that he is the killer. In fact, Phil circles the city where he thinks the next stabbing will occur and Ben thinks Phil is picking the time and place for his next killing.

S6: We see mysterious FB’s re: a boy being abused, made to dress up in women’s clothing.

R6: The FB’s are a boy’s horrors – but who’s? (Lewis)

DRAMATICALLY – Louise’s brother, Carter, turns out to be Graces’s assailant. Louise wanted Grace out of the way so Carter obliged her. It was the boys’ father who abused Carter and made Lewis dress like a girl.

S7: Phil’s shrink helps him so he doesn’t need her anymore.

R7: Which enables her to date him since she’s now retired therapist.

DRAMATICALLY – pan from Phil in the same booth to… Evelyn.

S8: Phil tries meditation.

R8: Phil sees the next murder while meditating.

DRAMATICALLY – Phil has a vision of his wife and what Carter said to her, also he sees the same scorpion tatoo that Louise has.

S9: Ben suspects his boss is dirty.

R9: Ben arrests his boss.

DRAMATICALLY – Ben enjoys her hysterics, and further charges her with resisting arrest.

S10. Louise primps a lot.

R10: Louise has a package.

DRAMATICALLY – Louise grabs her crotch when coming out of the restroom.

S11: Phil embarrasses Rhonda.

R11: Rhonda rats out Phil to Ben.

DRAMATICALLY – She steals his cell phone and finds a photo of his map. She tells Ben to hurry before they push back. Ben is too late.

S12: Phil races to the murder scene.

R12: Phil bumps into Carter there.

DRAMATICALLY – Chases him but loses him.

S13. Louise gets hit on by another woman.

R13: Louise rebuffs her –hidden agenda.

DRAMATICALLY – Sweet lovable Louise turns hostile.

S14: Phil visits his wife’s grave.

P14. Phil visits his wife’s grave says goodbye to her.

DRAMATICALLY – she tells him to move on.

S15: Phil works under his car.

R15: While working on his car, a killer tries to knock out the jack. Phil gives chase, loses him. We don’t see who it is…

DRAMATICALLY – It’s the dirtball who stole his wallet. Later, Phil kills him when he is attacked.

S16: Phil helps a girl who’s being assaulted.

R16: Bangers come looking for him.

DRAMATICALLY – they eventually find him. Violence ensues.

S17. Phil burns his souffle.

He makes dinner for his new girlfriend, Evelyn. Phil perfects his souffle.

DRAMATICALLY – It looks magnificent,

S18: Phil gets along with his shrink.

R18: Doorbell rings – it’s his date – her.

DRAMATICALLY –

S19: Louise tells everyone her bladder is about to burst, runs to the bathroom.

R19: She sounds like a guy peeing. R21: Cause she stands up.

DRAMATICALLY – we only hear the sounds.

S20: Ben’s boss is an ass.

R20: Ben reads Roberta her rights.

DRAMATICALLY – Ben and Chuck joke about their fake hostility.

S21: Louis tells everyone that when she pees, it sounds like Niagara Falls.

DRAMATICALLY – She’s right.

S22: Phil has a vision of a scorpion behind an ear.

R22: Phil sees the scorpion tattoo behind Louise’s ear.

DRAMATICALLY – When she comes out of the room, he notices the tatoo behind her ear for the first time. Carter has the same tatoo. Brother and sister killed their father after being horribly abused.

[John Trimbach]

John T Loves Character Depth!

Vision: become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is that by posing questions regarding the characters’ motivations and weaknesses, a new concept suggests itself for a deeper dive into character.

Phil

-fights for his wife in a violent knife attack by somebody who seems to know Grace’s name. Phil gets cut. Grace? Phil fights valiantly.

-Phil takes knife fighting lessons. Takes it a little too far.

-Phil sits in a restaurant booth and talks to his dead wife. Is he crazy?

-Phil becomes a loner, drinks too much. Talks to Grace.

-Young Megan tries to have sex with Phil – he rejects her. Pushes her to the floor and she’s hurt.

-Phil visits his wife’s grave. Can’t forgive himself. Vows to find her killer.

-Phil late for his flight as an airline captain, rude to his co-pilot.

-Phil jostles a passenger who mouths off to Louise.

-Phil calms Louise. Sexual tension.

-Phil meets the FA’s for drinks, bumps into Louise who fondles him.

-Phil cloaked in shadow, defends a hooker who’s attacked by stabbing the assailant who finds Phil’s wallet. Phil takes on the guy in a knife fight.

-Phil burns his souffle, expresses frustration.

-On another trip, Phil fails to meet up with Megan – she’s stabbed by a serial killer on the loose. He finds her body,

-Phil is questioned by the police.

-At the funeral, Phil is accused by Tara, questioned by Agent Ben.

-Phil questioned again by Ben. He’s a suspect. Phil pushes back.

-Phil flips his coffee table and stabs his couch in anger.

-Phil learns of new evidence against him. He must now solve the crime spree before Ben arrests him.

-Phil has a chat with the chief pilot re. his involvement.

-Phil is almost killed by the knife guy.

-Ben questions Phil again.

-Phil has a nightmare re. the death of Grace.

-Phil meets with his shrink, Evelyn, re. all his issues.

-Phil gets a check ride – goes bad.

-Phil drowns his sorrows at the bar with Rhonda, Delilah and Louise. He’s at the end of his rope and needs companionship.

-Phil meets Bev, flirts with her.

-Phil finds Bev stabbed to death, leaves clues of his presence.

-Phil meets Ben at the end of his trip who suspects him strongly.

-Phil assembles a map room to solve the murders. He discovers evidence that Grace knew the man who killed her.

—Phil finds out that Grace cheated on him.

-Phil evades Ben by going to Louise’s house.

-Phil is betrayed by Delilah to Ben.

-Phil stays with Louise and Tammy who’s attracted to Phil.

-Phil finds Tammy tied up in her hotel room.

-Phil fights Louise to free Tammy.

-Phil saves Ben and Tammy, kills Louise, aka, Lewis.

-Phil is treated like a hero.

-Phil lets go of his wife’s memory, dates Evelyn.

What is Phil hiding?

-his tastes for violent knife fights

-his flirtatous manner.

-his secret map room.

-his inner turmoil.

What triggers Phil?

-Ben’s persistence

-Megan’s advances.

-Defending the hooker by knifing the attacker.

-the urgency to find the killer before he’s arrested.

-Louise’s constant advances.

BEN

-callled to Megan’s funeral, questions Phil

-Gets dressed down by Chuck in front of Roberta

-Ben gets handed the case by Roberta

-Ben confides in fellow agent Susan

-is it his FB we see?

-Ben shows he’s better at hand-to-hand than shooting.

-Ben uncovers incriminating evidence against Phil

-repulsed at seeing Megan corpse.

-visits Phil at his house for more questioning – quickly becomes confrotational.

-meets Phil at the arrival gate after Bev’s murder, where he hints that they have forensic evidence –almost comes to blows.

-Ben confers with Roberta as to how to proceed. No warrant yet.

-goes to Phil’s house – but he’s not there.

-at the urging of Ned, breaks into Phil’s house and finds the map room.

-confers with Roberta and allowed to tail Phil.

-receives tip from Delilah.

-runs to catch a flight to Phil’s layover, speeds to the hotel.

-bursts into Tammy’s hotel room where he finds Phil and Louise and Tammy tied up.

-shoots Phil, gets knifed in the back by Louise lurking in the dark.

-recovers in the hospital, apologizes to Phil.

-arrests Roberta, gets promoted.

What is Ben hiding?

–doubts he can live up to his father’s legacy.

-is intimidated by Phil because Ben flunked out of flying school, kind of admires Phil.

-intimidated by Phil’s status and a big murder case.

-he’s a bad shot because he harbors a long-standing fear of pulling the trigger – can’t stand the recoil.

What triggers Ben

-feelings of inadequacy, living in his father’s shadow.

-letting Phil get away with murder, especially Megan’s.

-actually hates firearms, prefers martial arts.

-bothered by breaking the rules – breaks into Phil’s house.

Louise

-disguising her voice, receives a call. “He’s all yours.” (revealed later)

-jealous of Megan’s affection for Phil.

-mocks Megan on a flight.

-defends Phil from his critics.

-gets into a tussle with a passenger. Phil reprimands… the passenger!

-buries her head in his chest, wants to get closer to him.

-makes a pass at Phil, grabs his crotch.

-smears lipstick on the ladies room mirror

-makes fun of Megan again.

-makes another pass at Phil, gives him a backrub. She gets off on it. Tries to take him to her room for sex (to murder him? Or is he going to murder her?) – rebuffed?

-beoomes instantly jealous of Bev making time with Phil.

-kills Bev, or did she?

-helps hide Phil by letting him stay with her before the next trip.

-disapproves of Tammy’s flirting with Phil.

-engages in subtext discussion about who the killer is and where he/she might strike next.

-emerges from the shadows to stab Ben and woo Phil.

-knife fight with Phil, loses

-Louise revealed as Lewis, just before he falls to his death.

What is Louise hiding?

-his true gender.

-his disturbed childhood, made to dress up like a girl.

-his brother Carson just as psychotic and murderous.

-REVEAL: stays connected to his brother as adults – together, they hatch a murderous scheme to get rid of Grace because she reminds them of their horrible mother and because Louise wants Phil all to herself. (Carson is Grace’s assailant.)

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Script Exchange 1

Title: Terminal

Written By: John Trimbach

Email address: johntrimbach@gmail.com

Genre: thriller

Concept: An airline captain is pursued by a FBI agent who suspects he is a serial killer because all the murders happen when he’s nearby.

Anyone interested please email!

Script:

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Solved Scene Problems

Vision: become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is that by going through eace scene asking the 8 questions, and using the problem solving grid, ideas to improve emerge. Magic!

Scene 4: Phil slashes his instructor!

Scene 6: Megan services Phi while he’s passed out.

Scene 7: Megan embarrasses Phil with overboard affection.

Scene 13: Louise hides a manipulative smile.

Scene 17: Added scene to intro Ben’s character, goals.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Cliché Busting

Vision: become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is that following the 4-step process help identify cliches and tropes that can be deepened/augmented.

Cliché: Phil rotely practices knife tactics

New Version: Phil gets carried away, slices his instructor’s arm.

Cliché: Younger girl dotes on older man, unseemly.

New Version: She asks him outside, starts to undo his pants while he is passed out.

Cliché: Megan murdered

New Version: She was smart enough to leave a clue regarding the killer – someone jealous?

Cliché: Ben ingratiates himself to the SAC

New Version: Ben overdoes groveling, the whole time setting her up.

Cliché: Agent Susan knows all about Ben’s father, the legend.

New Version: Susan knows a lot bout him because she slept with him and holds it over his head.

Cliché: Ben says his father was a boyscout.

New Version: Ned says, that’s not what I heard.

Cliché: Ben is a straight-laced agent, by the book.

New Version: Ben breaks into Phil’s house.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Solved Character Problems

Vision: become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is that by coming up with Phil’s words and actions that can be interpreted in two ways, one bad, one good, his character becomes more engrossing and mysterious with a lot more subtext.

Improvements:

First and foremost, expand Phil’s ambiguities, his dialogue and actions – most everything he does and says can be viewed as innocent/plausible or murderous/covering his track.

-When he keeps a file on the murders, is he planning the next one or solving the last?

-Was he getting off on Megan or rebuffing her sexual overtures?

-Does he really thing he’s talking to his dead wife or just following the therapy prescribed by his shrink?

-Is his sour nature sinister or is he still mourning his wife’s passing?

-Is he hanging out with FA’s to pick his next victim or is her protecting them?

FO’s talk about what a yeller he is, behind his back -Is he a pyscho screamer on the job or just safety conscious?

-hiding evidence or bolstering his innocence?

-Is he leaving the scene or arriving on the scene?

-Is he taking (bidding) murder trips or tracking the killer?

-Is he sitting a trap for his next victim or for the killer?

-Are the flashbacks about him or about the killer?

-Is he using a camera to film his victims or catch the killer?

Is his impatience pyschotic or just normal impatience -Does he fit the killer’s profile to a T or is it coincidence?

-Is he making or following the trail of evidence?

-Is he blacking out when killing or does he have a vitamin deficency?

-Are his mannerisms pyscho behavior or idiosyncracies?

Frequent object of Louise’s affections. Is he leading her on or just being fatherly protective and oblivious to her overtures?

Aggravates FBI Ben because of murderous hate or because he resents the politiciation of the Bureau?

Love/hate relationship with his shrink -is he going to kill her or marry her?

Harbors weird fascinations or just a geeky stamp collector?

Is he embarrassed/shamed by sex or is he just modest?

Is he a knife maniac or does he just get a little too excited during training?

Does he hang out on the streets to kill criminals or is he just unlucky?

Did he go crazy after his wife’s murder or is he just sad?

Does he alway answer honestly (and it comes out wrong or duplicitous) or is he fiendishly evasive?

Are the witnesses against him arguing with Megan being truthful or creative?

Is he genuinely frustrated his gangbanger hasn’t been caught or is he making it up?

Is he giving himself away or just careless with his (double meaning) answers?

Is he usually truthful or usually lying?

Is he pyscho crazy or just mildly passive aggressive?

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Structure Solutions!

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is that by really thinking through structure questions, new ideas present themselves to strengthen the entertainment value.

Changes to structure:

Act 1:

Opening/Old Ways: Is this an engaging opening scene that lures us into the story?

Changed to a more riveting open – the slaying of Phil’s wife and the “ordinary” world left to Phil.

Is the lead character clearly living in a pre-transformation mode? Do the “Old Ways” show up in their behavior and dialogue?

Yes, after a year, Phil still not over the death of his wife, manifests itself in odd behaviors – talks to her in public like she’s there, becomes an expert knife fighter, becomes an irritable loner. Has trouble trusting people, sees a shrink.

Inciting Incident: How does this incident invite and propel us into the journey?

When Megan is murdered, Phil regresses into the trauma of his wife’s murder and the criminal element in general as people begin to associate him with crime – did he have something to do with Megan’s murder? Could he have ordered the hit on his wife? Was he having sex issues with Megan? Has trauma brought Phil to the brink of insanity? A split personality?

Turning Point: How is this Turning Point a twist that locks us into the journey with “no going back?”

Phil realizes he must not only deny but prove his innocence while avoiding arrest. Convinced that Phil is implicated, FBI agent Ben is in hot pursuit.

Act 2:

New Plan: What new plan did the protagonist create to deal with the Act 1 Turning Point?

Phil relies on Flight Attendant Louise to evade Ben.

Plan in action: How does the protagonist take action on that plan?

Phil secretly goes on a trip, doesn’t tell Ben that he’s leaving town.

Midpoint Turning Point: How does the Midpoint change the meaning, through a reveal, while keeping us on the same journey?

After another flight attendant murder, Phil is again thrown into the guilty spotlight. Ben finds evidence that seriously implicates Phil. Declares him a runaway fugitive. Is Phil mentally disturbed?

Act 3:

React/Rethink: What is revealed to the protagonist from the Midpoint? How do they react or rethink things?

Phil must take a major risk in order to find the killer. Visits seedy bars, follows clues about the person who attacked Megan, and then gets involved in a knife fight of his own after his adversary tries to kill him while Phil works on his car. Is this person involved in the other murders? Did Phil hire him? Did Phil refuse to pay him?

New Plan: What new plan did the protagonist create to deal with this new level of conflict?

Desperate to prove his innocence, Phil sets a trap for the killer. He decides to lure the killer to his next victim but instead Phil is lured by the killer to Tammy’s room. Phil, on the lam, must hide from Ben but also pursue the real killer. Meanwhile, his shrink is worried that he is imagining it.

Turning Point: The lowest of the low. How has this Turning Point brought the character to the lowest of lows, making it almost impossible for them to win in a normal way? This forces them to adopt the change in a much bigger way.

Phil finds Tammy tied up and bleeding. Did he do this? Who is the real killer?

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate Expression Of The Conflict: How is this the ultimate expression of the conflict? How does it require a “fight to the death,” either literally or symbolically?

Phil must battle Ben and the serial killer if he is to survive and exonerate himself. Phil saves Ben and Tammy by taking out Louise, aka Lewis.

Resolution: How does this resolution represent the “New Ways” and bring this story to a fitting conclusion?

Phil is cured, Ben is promoted and the killer dies.

New Ways: What are the New Ways and do they clearly show up in your lead character’s Act 4 behavior and dialogue?

Phil is not crazy, just traumatized, passionate and aggressive. Most importantly, he can move on from the death of his wife and date his shrink.

[John Trimbach]

John T Has Finished Act 4!

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is that done is much better than perfect -feels different, empowering and more capable of taking on the next task.

Amazing that I caught up after being dormant for the better part of two months!

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Continues Act 4

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is that Act 4 is the easiest to write a first draft for. What fun!

So after going ahead and finishing Act 4, it was a breeze launching into the Resolution pages.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Started Act 4

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world

What I learned doing this assignment is that by using the outline and high-speed writing rules, you can literally write an entire act, even two, in an afternoon.

Loved putting my characters in the ultimate conflict so much that I went ahead and finished it!

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Finishing Act 3

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is that I sometimes do creative processes when witnessing certain interesting ideas and behaviors in people and reflexively try to incorporate that observation into a script.

Getting better at the high-speed process which is a matter of practice and truat that it works.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Continuing Act 3

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

What I learned doing this lesson is that there is no such thing as being irretrievably behind.

Making steady progress using the catching up ideas and the creative processes – pretty amazing considering I had not even finished Module 4 two weeks ago. Just do the process!

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Began Act 3

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

I am completely willing to ignore my own internal criticism – that is the goal for today’s lesson. Did I succeed? For the most part, yes. I still grapple with word choice; hard to resist replacing stride with walk, that sort of thing. It helps knowing this, too, shall pass.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Completed Act 2

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is the equivalent of simply putting one foot in front of the other, or eating a horse, one bite at a time, assuming you’re really hungry. But seriously, write just one sentence and dream of the ways and wheres it could lead.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Continuing Act 2

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

Well, this is interesting – the idea of not locking in a scene. I’ve decided to resist the temptation and just keep it flowing. The HSW rules demand it! As long as you stay true to the outline, that is all that’s required. This in itself is a breakthrough.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Began Act 2

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

Funny how I used the same word, ”crap” in lesson 5 that Octavis used here in lesson 6. So it’s all about giving yourself permission to write whatever pops into your head with the outline in mind – sounds logical. And every now and then, an amazing idea presents itself. Almost like being on autopilot. For all remaining scenes/set pieces, we’ll try a 10-minute timer and see what we come up with. It’s almost like a competition. Ready, set, write!

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Finished Act 1

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned from doing this assignment is to KEEP MOVING FORWARD, as if everything depends on it. Which it sort of does. I have to keep knocking it out to stay on my feet. Part of the process, a large part, is to make it fun – let the brain go wild with ideas while staying true to the outline and the pitch. My safety net is in knowing that I can always go back and change, add or delete. This is in itself empowering.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Next Act 1 Scenes

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world.

Considering how far behind I am, this is going rather well, stupendous in fact. As of two weeks ago, I hadn’t even finished Module 4. But then I listened to Master Session 14, and suddenly it all sounded doable. I followed through with all the lessons in 4 knowing that it would enable the high sped writing that the lesson plan 5 calls for. This is all about getting used to the high speed process (and training my typing fingers to catch up) and developing confidence that I can put a reasonable idea on paper without being overly critical of it. Yeah, it could turn out crappy but invariably, the crappy stuff leads to better stuff. We’re on a roll.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Act 1 First Draft Part 1

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world

What I learned doing this assignment is that by sticking to the outline, it both limits and frees the creative mind. It limits you by establishing the lanes – no detours. It frees you because you can focus on what will make that particular scene or set piece more easily defined and further enables the high speed writing process – the more you practice HSW, the better you get at it. There’s obviously a lot of room for improvement with regard to what makes for a good inciting event and journey beginning but both of these can be refined once the first draft is finished. The HSW process gives one the sense of urgency to get er done, especially when you’re waaaaay behind! There’s light at the end of the chunnel.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s High Speed Writing Rules

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that I sure make a lot of typos but the job gets done and who cares about tyuspos anyqy!! Seriously, the mind works faster than the fingers when doing HSW – and it’s sure saves time.

EXT. PHIL’S HOUSE – DAY

Ben pulls up to Phil’s driveway.

INT. PHIL’S BEDROOM – DAY

Phil peers through the curtains. He hurries to the closet, bpulls out a hefty suitcase.

DOORBELL RINGS.

Picks up his airline hat and coast, dashes out the back door.

Whips out his cell phone:

BEN

Hello, uber.

EXT. PHIL’S HOUSE – DAY

Ben knocks again – no answer. Just then his partner, Ned Williams pulls up in a Burea sedan. Hops out.

NED

Well, is he home.

Ben shakes his head.

NED

Good, let’s do this.

BEN

Im not so sure, you know, Clarice laid it donw pretty firm.

NED

Do you want ot nail this guy or not?

Ben looks at Ned, at the door….

NED

I brought the key unlocker. He’d never know.

Ben ponders again.

INT. PHIL’S OFFICE – DAY

Ben and Ned snoop around, rifle through papers bill and Phil’s personal notes.

NED

Over here.

Ned tries a closet, locked. Puts his lock breaker on it.

BEN

Wait a minute.

Too late. It opens.

NED

Well, looky here. Pay day!

Ben looks in the large closet. A huge map on the wall showing all the murder locations – maps, postit notes, strings all over.

BEN

Holy shit.

NED

Any doubt he’s your man?

BEN

Sure looks like it… too bad we can’t use it in court.

NED

Why the hell not?

BEN

Because it’s not right, I mean, I’ll examine this for the caae but anything we use has to be duplicated with other evidence.

NED

Goddam, you’re such a boyscout.

BEN

I know, got it from my father.

Ben takes a closer look. His eyes light up.

BEN

I think I know where the next murder going to be. See this?

NED

Yes, I mean, no.

Ben points at marker arrows.

BEN

They all lead to the next murder, so look where the arrow points after the Meredith Hotel where the Beverly Townsend murder happened. The next one sppears to be in Columbus.

NET

If you’re right, you need to move on this.

BEN

He’s leaving tomorrow on a three-day trip.

NED

I’ll bet I can guess where he’s going.

BEN

You mean, where he’s staying Friday night.

NED

I’m hereby promoting you to eagle scount. Let’s roll.

BEN

Why do you always say that?

NED

It’s what we do.

[John Trimbach]

ASSIGNMENTS

Lesson 1:

John’s First Scene

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that acknowledging a basic requirement for a script, in this case a good opening scene, created an opportunity to grab the reader’s attention that sets the stage for what’s to come. I wrote this last because I wanted to come up with something a little different from the rest of the scenes.

EXT. THEATER DISTRICT – NIGHT

Phil and Grace stroll along the riverfront, a picturesque couple in formal attire. Grace carries a playbill.

Phil emulates her British accent, a sort of homage to the love of his life.

GRACE

I should think that it will do well with Frankie Sears on the bill.

PHIL

I quite agree, his performance was nothing short of brilliant.

GRACE

Yes, but Olivia set him up.

PHIL

You think? I thought it the other way round.

Grace chuckles.

GRACE

Oh, Philly, you sound more like a bloke than ever!

They don’t notice the man shadowing them from a distance.

PHIL

I prefer English gent, a hint of royalty.

GRACE

Royalty? And why, may I ask, would you seek such an honor?

PHIL

Because I’m in the presence of a queen.

Grace grabs his arm and squeezes.

GRACE

My knight in shining armor.

Just then, Grace frowns, stops.

PHIL

What is it?

GRACE

Something’s not right.

PHIL

Your intuition again.

GRACE

Oh dear. No matter what happens, I’ll always love you.

PHIL

Now you’re scaring me.

MAN

Hey, buddy, can ya spare a few bills?

The man is right behind him. Grace looks with fateful eyes at his torn coat and grimy hands.

PHIL

Ah, sure.

Phil nervously pulls out his wallet and grabs a wad of cash, hands it over. The man stuffs it in his coat pocked, never taking his eyes off Grace.

MAN

Pretty lil thing.

The man turns and walks away. They watch him leave until he’s a good fifty yards away.

PHIL

See, end of problem. We good?

Still concerned, Grace nods and they continue their stroll. Phil looks back and the man has vanished.

PHIL

Doesnt’ your empowerment guru say you can change the future by merely thinking it?

GRACE

Yes, he does, indeed.

She smiles at the thought, her teeth shining in a lamppost near a turn-of-the-century metal bench.

PHIL

Well, there ya go. I’m thinking of our immediate future tonight.

Grace’s smile fades. She turns around–

And the man is on top of them, wielding a sizeable hunting knife.

MAN

So quick to share. What about her?

PHIL

No. Back off, pal.

MAN

She strips for me, I’ll let cha go, Philly.

PHIL

No, I gave you everything I have, get lost.

MAN

Not everything.

GRACE

Watch out!

The man slashes at Phil. He dodges just in time, pushing Grace away, She falls, bangs her head on the metal bench arm, knocked unconscious. Phil doesn’t know whether to attend to his wife or fend off a deadly attack. The man swings the blade, forcing the decision.

Phil jumps out of the way, totally helpless, moved away form the bench. The man knees down next to Grace, goes to work quickly on her dress, cutting the straps and pulling down on the dress. Phil tries to jump him but is met with another slash, this one leaving a deep gash in his pants leg.

MAN

You want her to live, you stay put.

Phil doesn’t stay put. He moves behind the man, forcing the man to follow his move.

MAN

Next time she gets it, Philly.

PHIL

She’s my wife, please don’t hurt her.

MAN

(mockingly)

Please don’t hurt her.

Wildly swings the knife in a slashing move.

MAN

Stay the fuck back. Stand over that tree.

Phil moves in a circle towards the tree. Halfway there, he stops, tries a different tack.

PHIL

Know what you are, you’re a coward who picks on defenseless women. Why don’t you take me on, asshole. Or are you afraid I’ll use the knife on you.

MAN

You’re filling my head, Philly. Careful, now.

Just then, Grace comes to. SCREAMS. The man puts the knife to her throat.

MAN

Ah, missy. Don’t spoil the moment.

He quickly cuts off the middle of her bra, gazes.

Phil pounces pulling him off. They go tumbling, the man’s hand smashing into the bench, knife goes spinng. Both of them race for the knife but Grace gets there first. The man charges her, grabs her hand, plunging the blade into her chest.

PHIL

NOOOOOOOO.

He crawls to his wife.

PHIL

Oh, Gracie, Gracie, Gracie.

Grace chokes, weazily.

GRACE

Punctured a lung is all. I’ll be alright.

The man takes off, turns back briefly.

MAN

Shuda listened, Philly.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Fascinating Scene Outlines

Vision – to become a reliable box office success all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that by considering and creating more interest using the techniques deepens the meaning and entertainment value of the story.

INT. TARA’S PARTY INFLATABLE HOUSE – NIGHT

(More interesting setting)

Phil attends the surprise b-day for his adopted niece, Megan, who lives down the street with her mother, Tara. Pilots Drew and Chet and Flight Attendants Rhonda, Louise, Delilah and Georgia celebrate Megans’s new job as a flight attendant, a job Phil helped her get.

Megan keeps hugging Phil. She thinks of him as more than just a father figure . The flight attendants note this is kind of weird. Phil is very uncomfortable.

(Uncomfortable Moment)

Louise is downright jealous.(Internal Dilemma

Subtext – Megan shows a little too much affection.

Essence – A celebration.

Arc – starts out happy then goes a little weird.

Responsive to the pitch/high concept: Twisted beginning of the story to a twisted end.

Conflict – Louise doesn’t like what Megan is doing.

Hope/fear – not so much.

INT. BLUE NEST DINER – NIGHT

Phil sit in a cozy restaurant booth having an attentive conversation with someone sitting across. But there’s no one there! A waitress thinks he’s crazy.

(Misinterpretation) For a moment we can see a faint image of his wife.

(Surprise)

The waitress explains to another why she thinks Phil does that.(Mystery)

Subtext – something is wrong with Phil

Essence – he does not appear normal.

Arc – familiar behavior to psycho.

Responsive to the pitch/high concept – yes, presents Phil as the target.

Conflict – Waitress freaks out.

Hope/fear – Normal to weird.

EXT. CEMETERY – DAY

Phil visits his wife’s grave, still mourning her death from two years earlier.

INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – DAY

Phil attends to his rare coin collection, suddenly becomes perturbed.

(Character changes radically).

Sits alone in his living room, brooding, talking to himself.

(Internal Dilemma)

Subtext – Phil capable of violence?

Essence – he’s volatile.

Arc – normal behavior to abnormal.

Responsive to the pitch/high concept – yes, presents Phil as a possible loony.

Conflict – implodes over seemingly nothing.

Hope/fear – calm to upset.

INT. SKYZA LIMITS AIRLINES – AIRCRAFT – DAY

Capt. Phil shows up late for his flight. His co-pilot covers for him, concerned about Phil’s demeanor. He knows how unpredictable he can be.(Uncertainty)Rhonda, Louise and Georgia talk about Phil not being the same since his wife’s death.

Louise witnesses a couple on the flight arguing and she gets emotional.

(Uncomfortable Moment)

Phil is nice to Louise – she seems like a fragile female in need of TLC though he treats her like a guy, a sort of bromance.

(Surprise)

Subtext – Phil relates to Louise on some level.

Essence – What is he triggering on, both good and bad?

Arc – from normal behavior to strange.

Responsive to the pitch/high concept – yes, something going on between Phil and Louise.

Conflict – Louise appears fragile when faced with conflict – Phil to the rescue.

Hope/fear – Phil calms Louise down.

INT. LAYOVER CITY – AIRPORT HOTEL BAR – NIGHT

Phil meets the flight attendants for drinks. Louise makes a pass at him.

(Uncomfortable Moment)

Phil declines, leaves early. Louise feels spurned, draws a sad face on the restroom mirror with her lipstick.

(Betrayal)

She returns without makeup.

(Uncomfortable Moment)

Subtext – Louise is getting too close to Phil – he’s uncomfortable.

Essence – We see where Phil stands with women, at least Louise.

Arc – Phil establishes his future with Louise.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, goes with the major story arc – Louise as one of the guys.

Conflict – Louise overreacts, we see the potential for conflict and violence.

Hope/fear – Happy to sad, out of place to more out of place.

EXT. LAYOVER CITY STREET ALLEYWAY – NIGHT

An unseen man

(Intrigue)

sees a pair of hoodlums assaulting a hooker who is propositioning a girl. (Suspense) The man takes them on, one of them with a knife. The man disarms him, stabs the other. They run away but not before one of them picks up his wallet. This guy knows martial arts and knife tactics. And then we see his face – it’s Phil! (Surprise)

Subtext – Secret guy is Phil who knows all about knife tactics!

Essence – we suspect Phil is the killer.

Arc – from knife victim to meting out knife punishment.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil as killer.

Conflict – deadly slashing going on.

Hope/fear – Phil could get slashed like his wife but he gets the upper hand.

INT. PHIL’S KITCHEN – DAY

Phil burns his souffle, can’t cook like his wife, throws the dish in the sink.

INT. SKYZA LIMIT FLIGHT 45 – DAY

Megan on her first flight after training. She’s giddy and outgoing, noticed by a strange man who stares at her with a wicked smile after she makes a joke.

(Intrigue)(Uncomfortable Moment) The man pulls out pictures of the girls he’s trafficked.(Mislead / Reveal)

Subtext – Megan’s flirting could get her in trouble.

Essence – Megan attracts trouble.

Arc – from giddy to getty.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, future murder victim.

Conflict -the guy’s creepy.

Hope/fear – Megan’s smile fades when seeing this guy’s menacing look and his continual stare. The job is suddenly not fun anymore.

EXT. LAYOVER CITY – NIGHT

Megan meets a guy at a bar. His wife calls, so he leaves quickly. (Uncomfortable Moment) Megan walks back alone to the layover hotel. A masked man jumps her, stabs her.

(Intrigue)

Phil finds her body, steps in her blood. (Mystery) Notices a man watching, chases after him, loses him. [Later, we learn that it’s the guy who has Phil’s wallet.] Phil hears the sirens, hurries away. Did he kill Megan?

Subtext – Guy cheating on his wife puts Megan in harm’s way. Phil does’t know the man watching him is the same dirtball who attacked him.

Essence – Megan’s karma ends in her demise.

Arc – Megan having a good time to getting stabbed to death.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, she dies.

Conflict – murder

Hope/fear – Megan is full of hope, then fears for her life.

EXT. ALLEYWAY – NIGHT

Police detective finds Megan’s out of state wallet, so he contacts the FBI.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

Agent Ben answers the phone.

INT. TARA’S HOUSE – DAY

At the wake, open casket,

(Uncomfortable Moment)

Phil promises Tara he won’t rest until he finds the killer. Tara has a surprise guest at the wake – Agent Ben who’s full of questions for Phil.

(Internal Dilemma)

Phil acts somewhat suspicious, answers evasively.(Intrigue)

Subtext – Is Phil hiding something?

Essence – Phil as a suspect.

Arc – from innocent to possibly guilty.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil might be the killer.

Conflict – It’s obvious they don’t like each other.

Hope/fear – Phil goes from appearing cooperative to evasive. Ben goes from being merely inquisitive to suspicious.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

Agent Ben gets chewed out by the ASAC in front of the SAC for failing to follow through on a different case.

(Uncomfortable Moment)

Ben is relieved when the SAC puts him on the Megan murder case – it’s his big chance to prove himself.(Mislead / Reveal) Ben is frequently humiliated by the ASAC who hints that Ben has big shoes to fill. Harangues him about his subpar shooting score and his need to lose weight. Ben murmurs, “bitch” just loud enough for the ASAC to hear. The SAC doesn’t hear it.

(Uncomfortable Moment)

ASAC threatens Ben in front of the SAC.

Subtext – They appear to resent each other.

Essence – Ben gets along with the SAC who appears to protect him from the ASAC.

Arc – Ben goes from being in the dog house to even worse with his immediate boss.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – Ben as the underdog who muust outwit Phil.

Conflict – Resentment between Ben and the ASAC.

Hope/fear – Ben makes things worse for himself, or so it appears.

EXT. FBI SHOOTING RANGE – DAY

Ben misses a lot…

INT. TRAINING FACILITY – DAY

…but he’s good at hand-to-hand tactics.

Another agents remind Ben that he has big shoes to fill under the shadow of his father’s legacy.

INT. BEDROOM – DAY – FLASHBACK

A boy abused by his father, made to dress up in women’s clothing.

(Uncomfortable Moment)

(Intrigue)

(Mystery)

Subtext – who is the boy? Is it Ben?

Essence – abuse probably led to psychotic behavior on the part of somebody.

Arc – looks innocent enough until we see that it’s a boy with long hair being made to dress up like a girl.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – definitely

Conflict – loads.

Hope/fear – bad to worse for the unfortunate lad.

EXT. PHIL’S DRIVEWAY – DAY

Phil works under his car. (Suspense)The Banger who stole his wallet tries to kick the jack out.

(Cliffhanger)

Phil gets out from underneath just in time, gives chase, loses him.

(Intrigue)

Subtext – Phil doesn’t know it’s the same guy who stole his wallet, wants to get even for his buddy’s death.

Essence – Phil almost gets killed, loses the guy. But gives Phil reason to respond violently. He is capable of killing.

Arc – Danger gets worse.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes Phil as retaliatory, possibly as a murderer.

Conflict – yes

Hope/fear – Phil almost gets crushed to death, escapes, then loses the guy.

INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – DAY

Ben interviews Phil.(Uncertainty)

(Internal Dilemma)

Ben has a lot of questions, seems to doubt Phil’s story. Phil clams up. (Mystery)

Subtext – What is Phil hiding?

Essence – Phil doesn’t like Ben’s insinuations.

Arc – from friendly questions to probing.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – Yes, is Ben right about Phil?

Conflict – personal animosity.

Hope/fear – Phil initially wins then loses the argument.

INT. CHIEF PILOT’S OFFICE – DAY

The chief pilot observes how despondent Phil is, gives him some time off.

INT. PHIL’S BASEMENT – DAY

Phil practices knife tactics.

EXT. DARK CITY STREET – NIGHT – FLASHBACK NIGHTMARE

Phil relives the night he lost his wife. Feels guilty because he was unable to defend her against a deadly knife attack. She died trying to save Phil.

(Internal Dilemma)

(Uncomfortable Moment)(Mystery)

INT. SHRINK’S OFFICE – DAY

Phil counseled by his shrink. She agrees to not report him to his employer,

(Internal Dilemma)

Skyza Airlines for having emotional problems.

(Intrigue)

They make progress on Phil’s grief. She encourages him to engage in different activities to take his mind off his wife’s murder, and to be open to new relationships.

(Misinterpretation) The only person Phil is interested in is her.

Subtext – Shrink helps Phil conceal his mental state from his employer.

Essence – Phil trusts and likes her.

Arc – Shrink encourages Phil with ways to deal with his trauma, seems to help.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil could be mentally disturbed beyond what is functional. Should he even be flying airplanes?

Conflict – Dr. wants to report Phil but he talks her out of it.

Hope/fear – Phil suggests they could date. She shuts him down.

Act 2

INT. COCKPIT – DAY

Phil goes back to work on his regular flight route. He’ hot and cold –

(Uncomfortable Moment)

scolds his co-pilot for making a routing error one moment, the next he’s pleasant to his regular crew of flight attendants,(Mislead / Reveal) Rhonda, Delilah, and Georgia.

(Suspense) – something of consequence is going to happen

(Uncertainty)

Subtext – Phil lashes out unexpectedly.

Essence – Is there something wrong with him?

Arc – FA’s calm him down.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil as volatile.

Conflict – Between captain and co-pilot.

Hope/fear – Phil appears to get through without difficulty but then explodes at his co-pilot. Should he be on the job?

INT. LAYOVER HOTEL BAR – NIGHT

FA’s Rhonda, Delilah, and Georgia try to cheer Phil up. Louise tells the FA’s how much she would like to have a relationship with him. They laugh at her. Phil has had too much to drink, embarrasses Delilah.

(Uncomfortable Moment)

Louise gets hit on by another woman. Louise rebuffs her.

(Uncomfortable Moment)

Phil gravitates to a woman in a business suit, has a drink with her. (Intrigue) Louise appears jealous, downs several drinks watching them. [The lady is Phil’s therapist’s sister.]

Louise tells everyone her bladder is about to burst, runs to the bathroom, tells everyone that when she pees, it sounds like Niagara Falls.

(Uncomfortable Moment)

In fact, she does.

Subtext – a lot of hidden agendas.

Essence – Phil not attracted to Louise but is to the woman.

Arc – Louise loses out, and loses it, wishes she was a guy, life would be a lot easier.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, is Louise okay with her sexuality?

Conflict – Louise shows a different side of her, almost menacing.

Hope/fear – Louise goes from being hopeful with Phil to being dissed by him – this sets her off.

INT. LADIES ROOM – NIGHT

Behind the stall door, Louise stands on the toilet seat, sounds like a guy peeing.

INT. MARTIAL ARTS SCHOOL – DAY

Phil, already a brown belt, takes an advanced course in assault tactics using knives.

INT. DINER – NIGHT

Phil dines alone, has a conversation… again with no one.

INT. PHIL’S SHRINK’S OFFICE – DAY

Phil confides in his psychiatrist about his outbursts. She suggests that he try being friendly and open to new relationships. He confides that his wife was insanely jealous of other women.

(Major twist)

(Intrigue)

(Mystery)

Subtext – Phil reveals his secret knife fight.

Essence – Phil trusts and becomes more emotionally attached to Dr. Grayson. She kind of likes him, too.

Arc – Relationship deepens, perhaps beyond what is professional.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil’s evolving.

Conflict – She pushes back against his overtures.

Hope/fear – Phil’s hopeful she will respond but she dashes his hopes.

INT. HOTEL NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

(More interesting setting) they bump into each other on the street.

Phil meets a flight attendant from another airline, buys her a drink. They compare room keys – they’re staying on the same floor.

(Surprise)

She leaves with friends for dinner. (Mislead / Reveal)

Subtext – Phil is attracted to her. And she knows it. Louise is spying on him.(Intrigue)

Essence – Phil is taking his shrink’s advice not knowing this is pissing off Louise.

Arc – Phil doesn’t mind getting a gentle brush off. He’s almost relieved.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil as somebody with the wherewithal to meet women and gain their confidence.

Conflict – minimal, maybe her boyfriend shows up.

Hope/fear – Phil has high hopes but loses his edge, confidence. Louise goes from fearful to hopeful.

EXT. HOTEL – NIGHT

Phil goes for a walk.

INT. HOTEL – NIGHT

Phil walks down the hall to his room, stops, sees a door ajar. He touches the door knob. His hand has blood on it. Was the blood already on his hand?

(Intrigue)

(Mystery)

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY – NIGHT

(Major twist)

Phil stands over the body of the same FA he had a drink with. Murdered the same way as Megan was stabbed. Phil picks up, drops the murder weapon, a knife. Runs to his room to wash the blood off.

Subtext – who killed her and why?

(Intrigue)

Essence – another murder involving Phil! Is he guilty? Did he black out?

Arc – Phil implicated once again.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil as guilty/innocent.

Conflict – the aftermath of a gruesome death.

Hope/fear – Phil at least acts shocked, traumatized, but recovers quickly, runs to his room.

(Internal Dilemma)

(External Dilemma)

INT. HOTEL LOBBY – NIGHT

Phil is questioned by police,

(Superior Position)

(Intrigue)

as an anonymous witness/guest at the hotel. Phil leaves just before Ben arrives.

INT. AIRPORT – DAY

End of his trip,

(Surprise)

Phil is met by FBI agent Ben – now considers him a suspect. Ben tells Phil that the thug he chased after Megan’s murder was caught and released.

(Betrayal)

He is angered by this.

Subtext – Ben has more evidence of Phil’s possible guilt but doesn’t let on.

Essence – tension building between these two.(Suspense)

Arc – from cordial to uncooperative, to caustic.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, lawman pursues suspect but is he guilty?

Conflict – animosity builds, especially after Phil’s attacker was let out.

Hope/fear – Phil goes from hoping he can convince Ben of his innocence to being fearful he will charge him with murder.

INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – OFFICE – NIGHT

Phil makes a file analyzing the two murders with photos, newspaper clippings and printouts. Opens his locked closet – full of maps and strings.

(Intrigue)

Is he tracking or planning?

Phil talks to himself as if verbally jousting with Ben. He suspects that Agent Ben is tapping his phone, misinterpreting his answers and cooking up evidence to link him.

Subtext – Phil’s secret file and map room – what’ it’s purpose?

Essence – Phil has reason to believe his privacy and his rights are being violated. How will he retaliate?

(Internal Dilemma)

Arc – Phil goes from acting innocent to acting possibly guilty.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, if Phil is the killer, it all makes sense, or does it?

Conflict – stakes are raised.

Hope/fear – Phil must prove/concoct his innocence before Ben puts him behind bars.

INT. LOUISE’S APARTMENT – DAY

Shaken by the killings, Phil seeks the comfort of Louise and her friend, Tammy before he leaves on his next flight. Tammy is taken up with Phil, talks about hooking up with him. Louise scowls at the idea.

(Intrigue)

(Betrayal)

Subtext – Tammy has a crush on Phil when she finds out he’s available.

(Surprise)

Essence – Louise’s jealousy creeps up again.

Arc – Louise goes from being concerned to outraged.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – Louise as unhinged.

Conflict – Louise tries to hide her anger from Tammy. Phil is hers!

Hope/fear – Louise is fearful Tammy won’t let go of the idea of hitting on Phil.

Phil leaves.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

Ben wants to charge Phil but the ASAC tells him to stick to the evidence. She forbids Ben from seeking a search warrant or interfering with Phil’s flying, tells him to back off, stick to his primary investigation of embezzlement by a government employee. (Mislead / Reveal)

Subtext – (Intrigue) Ben is secretly working a corruption case against the SAC, with the ASAC’s supervision.

Essence – Make it appear Ben and the ASAC are on bad terms.

Arc – from professional to personal to confidential.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, the idea of hidden agendas.

Conflict – Phil vs the ASAC.

(Uncertainty) Hope/fear – Ben hopes he can nail Phil but the ASAC appears to put the kibosh on it. She knew Phil’s wife and how jealous she was when Phil was around other women, like flight attendants.

INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – DAY

Ben comes snooping around Phil’s house. Phil remotely turns on his car’s motor. Ben hears this, waits, as Phil slips out the back.

INT. LOUISE – DAY

Phil stays at Louise’s place. She’s quite happy to let him. She primps a lot, rubs his back. He has to move away. (Uncomfortable Moment) She turns down the sheets on her bed. She has white ribbons dangling from her bed posts.

(Intrigue) Phil fegns a headache, texts his shrink for advice. (Mislead / Reveal)

Subtext – Louise can’t hide her attraction to Phil.

Essence – Phil knows he’s taking advantage of Louise’s weakness.

Arc – Phil uses Louise to hide from Ben.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil on the run so to speak.

Conflict – Phil is not interested in sleeping with Louise. She takes rejection hard.

Hope/fear – Louise goes from hopeful to sorrowful, to hopeful.

INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Louise secretly packs Phil’s things for another trip.

INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – DAY

Ben breaks the rules and searches Phil’s house with his partner, Ned.

(Intrigue)

They find Phil’s file and

(Surprise)

secret closet full of details of the murders. Ben is compelled not to use it but Ned says he’s crazy not to.

Subtext –

(Internal Dilemma)

Will Ben use illegal evidence or abide by the law?

Essence – Ben puts himself in a quandary.

Arc – Ben goes from being stealthy to feeling guilty.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – Ben as Phil’s worthy adversary.

Conflict – Ben argues with Ned about using the evidence. Ned tries to convince Ben so as to honor his father’s legacy.

Hope/fear – Ben goes back and forth on using the file, as his virtue meter cycles up and down. Do we want him to succeed?

INT. AIRPLANE CABIN – DAY

Some of the usual flight attendants arrive early and greet passengers. The FO is late. Phil is pissed but under control. (Suspense)

(Uncomfortable Moment)

Phil parks his bags and heads back up the jetway to retrieve paperwork. Delilah steps into the cockpit and sees Phil’s cell phone, rifles through photos of the murder victims. Sends them to a friend on social media, wondering if he could be the killer.

(Intrigue)

(Betrayal)

Subtext – Delilah looks at Phil’s phone, wants to get even with him for embarrassing her.

Essence – Phil’s photos are about to go public. Delilah shares them on social media, further incriminating him.

Arc – Word gets back to Ben – now he can use the photographic evidence. Phil doesn’t know it but he’s a wanted man.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil as guilty one.

Conflict – Phil vs. the law and the airline and Delilah.

Hope/fear – Delilah almost gets caught looking through Phil’s cell phone while she airdrops the murder photos.

INT. LAYOVER HOTEL BAR – NIGHT

Louise tries to get intimate with Phil once again, attempting to extract sexual favors from him in return for her help.

(External Dilemma)(uncertainty) blackmail?

Phil finds her attractive but deflects her advances, (Mislead / Reveal) redirecting the conversation to her upbringing. Louise is distracted but remains undeterred.

Subtext – How far will Louise go?

Essence – Phil has to stop leading Louise on.

Arc – Louise goes from hopeful to discouraged to depressed.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – Phil and now Louise as unstable.

Conflict – Phil must get tough about Louise’s obesession.

Hope/fear – – Phil tries to be as nice as he can but it’s not working.

INT. HOTEL SPA AND WELLNESS CENTER – DAY

In the sauna, Phil meditates into Delta brain waves and remote viewing.

(Intrigue)

(Mystery)

He’s shocked he can see things that may happen in the future, just as his shrink said was possible.

EXT. DARK CITY STREET – NIGHT – PHIL’S VISION

A hazy scene where a tall figure in black hooded drench coat shadows a young woman, following her. A fleeting view of a scorpion tattoo.

(Intrigue)

Is this the next murder? Is he viewing it or planning it? Note: Phil previously confided in his shrink that he was having visions.

(Major twist)

(Surprise)

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

Ben is on the phone with Delilah who tells him about the photos and where he can find Phil that evening.

(Betrayal) Ben asks a lot of questions, unwittingly casting doubt on whether Phil could be the killer. This leads her to doubt that Phil is the killer, regrets her move. (Mislead / Reveal)

INT. FBI SAC’S OFFICE – DAY

Ben shows unusual interest in the SAC’s financial statements on his desk while he waits for him to get off the phone. Ben says he knows he’s going over the ASAC’s head, but he has proof of Phil’s guilt provided by “an informant.”

(Intrigue)

SAC gives Ben permission to fly to Phil’s layover city to arrest him. (Superior Position) Phil realizes that a key piece of evidence exonerates Phil. (Mislead / Reveal)

Subtext – Ben is secretly investigating his boss, the SAC.

Essence – Ben nevertheless wants to arrest Phil on suspicion of murder.

Arc – Ben goes from beseeching to satisfied, on more than one level.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – Ben can now pursue his man, and Phil.

Conflict – The SAC reminds Phil of his poor relationship with the ASAC. Ben plays along, make up a story about how she didn’t like his father.

Hope/fear – Ben goes from hopeful to elated. He might even make an arrest.

INT. PHIL’S CAR – MOVING – DAY

Phil’s getting strong vibes that something bad is going to happen tonight at the Sunflower Hotel.

(Superior Position)

Just then he gets a text from Tammy’s phone to meet him there in room 767.(Suspense) He tries to call her back to warn her that she might be in danger. No answer.

Subtext – Phil must find out if Tammy is in danger. He must go to her immediately. (Uncertainty) What was her phone number?

Essence – tension mounts

Arc – from bad to worse – he can’t contact Tammy.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, escalation as per the thriller genre.

Conflict – anticipatory.

Hope/fear – he’s got a text, but then can’t contact her.

INT. AIRPORT – DAY

Ben hurriedly boards an airplane. Wonders if Phil is the captain… on his way to commit another murder.(Suspense)

INT. LAYOVER CITY AIRPORT – NIGHT

Ben runs through the airport to meet his ride. He gets winded easily. Uses his inhaler. (Uncertainty)

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

(Intrigue)

Flashback: An unidentified boy is abused by his father, made to pose for pictures dressed up like a girl. Is it Ben? Phil? The serial killer?

INT. SUNFLOWER HOTEL – NIGHT

Phil cases the joint, runs into Louise. She tells him that Tammy called her for help. Louise hides her surprise that Phil is there.

Phil asks Louise if she knows where Tammy is. Louise says no. (Mislead / Reveal) Phil is worried that something bad will happen to her soon.

(Intrigue)

Louise tries desperately to stop Phil from leaving her in the lobby. Phil heads for the elevator.(Character changes radically)

Subtext – Louise is lying.

Essence – Phil must react quickly to save Tammy.

Arc – impending climax

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes

Conflict – impending violence

Hope/fear – find Tammy

INT. SUNFLOWER HOTEL – NIGHT

Ben spots Phil heading for the elevator – just misses him.

INT. SUNFLOWER HOTEL – SEVENTH FLOOR – NIGHT

Phil runs to room 767, pounds on the door. He hears muffled screams. He grabs a fire ax.

(Intrigue)(Suspense)

(Surprise)

INT. TAMMY’S HOTEL ROOM 767 – NIGHT

He bashes in the door and finds Tammy, bloodied, gagged and tied to the bed posts.

(Intrigue)

(Mystery)

Her wrists are slit. Phil runs to her, starts to untie her.

Ben arrives, pulls a gun on Phil. Tammy screams when she sees Louise behind Ben.

(Major twist)

(Surprise)

Louise stabs Ben in the back. The gun goes off, hitting Phil in the shoulder. Ben goes down, unconscious. Phil collapses too.

Louise talks crazy to Phil – now they can finally be together – just need to get rid of Tammy.

(Uncomfortable Moment)

(Major twist)

Phil tries to talk her out of it, tells Louise that she needs help. Louise laughs it off. She moves closer to Tammy, knife in hand. Ben revives, shoots, hits the glass door, fires again at Louise, grazes her. Phil pounces on Louise. They both struggle for the knife. They go crashing through the shattered glass door to the balcony, and over the edge. Phil hangs on to the railing, Louise hanging on to Phil, losing her wig – she is a he!

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT – FLASHBACK

An unidentified boy is abused by his father, made to pose for pictures dressed up like a girl. Now we see who it is – Lewis as a boy.

(Surprise)

(Mislead / Reveal)

BACK TO SCENE

Lewis explains that in order for them to be together, they have to get rid of witnesses. Phil smacks Lewis to the ground and begins to untie Tammy. (Suspense) Lewis attacks with a knife. This time, Phil knows what to do.

Phil uses his learned knife skills, ones that he would never be defenseless as when his wife was stabbed to death.

Lewi’s dress falls, revealing that Lewis wears BVD’s, and has a package. Phil spots the scorpion tattoo behind Louise’s ear.

(Major twist)

(Surprise)

Lewis wields a knife close to Phil’s throat. Phil tries to disarm Lewis. Ben intervenes to save Phil. Lewis shoots Ben again.

Phil musters all his energy, charges Lewis . They both go over the edge.

(Cliffhanger)

Phil lands on the lower floor balcony, hanging on for dear life. Same for Lewis – he tells Phil he killed the girls so they could be together.(Mislead / Reveal) Phil must either save himself or risk his life saving Lewis. Lewis grabs his arm. Phil uses a newly learned knife move, stabs Lewis’ hand, kicks him off the rail. Lewis falls to his death.

Essence – Killer about to be revealed.

Arc – Will Tammy be the next victim?

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes

Conflict – yes, fight to the death.

Hope/fear – will the good guys win?

Resolution

– we now see the boy forced to dress up like a girl that we thought was Phil or Ben was really Lewis.

INT. HOSPITAL – BEN’S ROOM – DAY

Ben is being discharged, has an important meeting at the office. Phil reminds him he’s a lousy shot.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

Ben is credited with solving the crime and saving Phil’s life. Was really investigating the SAC for embezzlement (with the help of the ASAC), wears a vest (one reason he looks overweight) when shot by Louise.

(but as a ruse to

fool the corrupt SAC whom Ben is investigating).

Ben arrests his boss.

(Major twist)

(Surprise)

(Mislead / Reveal)

Ben reads him his rights.

ASAC secretly dating Ben’s informant, the SAC’s secretary

Ben gets promoted.

Phil was compiling a file to catch the killer.

(Major twist)

(Surprise)

(Mislead / Reveal)

Phil’s shrink helps him so he doesn’t need her anymore. She suggests a dinner date. He says no.

Doorbell rings – it’s his date – her.

Phil visits his wife’s grave says goodbye to her. R17: Phil perfects his souffle.

He’s not insane – talking with his wife was the technique his shrink advised him to use while grieving.

(Major twist)

(Surprise)

(Mislead / Reveal)

Phil dines in the same restaurant as before, having a conversation – his dead wife? R7: No, with his recovered therapist. He now says yes.

Ben gets promoted., rewards Phil for his bravery. Phil has learned to appreciate life. Ready for a new relationship.

Subtext – true agendas, identities revealed

Essence – resolution

Arc – complete the story

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes

Conflict – no

Hope/fear – yes, Phil wins the girl he wants.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Scene Requirements

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that using the SEARCH acronym for each scene covers all the scene requirement bases and that copying and pasting from a Final Draft document (as opposed to a word document) directly to the forums eliminates a lot of headaches involved with converting to a pdx.

SEARCH: Subtext, Essence, Arc, Reflective of the pitch/high concept, Conflict, Hope/fear

Note: “SEARCH” items shown <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>after each major scene.

INT. TARA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Phil attends the surprise b-day for his adopted niece, Megan, who lives down the street with her mother, Tara. Pilots Drew and Chet and Flight Attendants Rhonda, Louise, Delilah and Georgia celebrate Megans’s new job as a flight attendant, a job Phil helped her get. Megan keeps hugging Phil. She thinks of him as more than just a father figure. The flight attendants note this is kind of weird. Phil is very uncomfortable. Louise is downright jealous.

Subtext – Megan shows a little too much affection.

Essence – A celebration.

Arc – starts out happy then goes a little weird.

Responsive to the pitch/high concept: Twisted beginning of the story to a twisted end.

Conflict – Louise doesn’t like what Megan is doing.

Hope/fear – not so much.

INT. BLUE NEST DINER – NIGHT

Phil sit in a cozy restaurant booth having an attentive conversation with someone sitting across. But there’s no one there! A waitress thinks he’s crazy.

Subtext – something is wrong with Phil

Essence – he does not appear normal.

Arc – familiar behavior to psycho.

Responsive to the pitch/high concept – yes, presents Phil as the target.

Conflict – Waitress freaks out.

Hope/fear – Normal to weird.

EXT. CEMETERY – DAY

Phil visits his wife’s grave, still mourning her death from two years earlier.

INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – DAY

Phil attends to his rare coin collection, suddenly becomes perturbed. Sits alone in his living room, brooding, talking to himself.

Subtext – Phil capable of violence?

Essence – he’s volatile.

Arc – normal behavior to abnormal.

Responsive to the pitch/high concept – yes, presents Phil as a possible loony.

Conflict – implodes over seemingly nothing.

Hope/fear – calm to upset.

INT. SKYZA LIMITS AIRLINES – AIRCRAFT – DAY

Capt. Phil shows up late for his flight. His co-pilot covers for him, concerned about Phil’s demeanor. Rhonda, Louise and Georgia talk about Phil not being the same since his wife’s death.

Louise witnesses a couple on the flight arguing and she gets emotional. Phil is nice to Louise – she seems like a fragile female in need of TLC though he treats her like a guy, a sort of bromance.

Subtext – Phil relates to Louise on some level.

Essence – What is he triggering on, both good and bad?

Arc – from normal behavior to strange.

Responsive to the pitch/high concept – yes, something going on between Phil and Louise.

Conflict – Louise appears fragile when faced with conflict – Phil to the rescue.

Hope/fear – Phil calms Louise down.

INT. LAYOVER CITY – AIRPORT HOTEL BAR – NIGHT

Phil meets the flight attendants for drinks. Louise makes a pass at him. Phil declines, leaves early. Louise feels spurned, draws a sad face on the restroom mirror with her lipstick.

Subtext – Louise is getting too close to Phil – he’s uncomfortable.

Essence – We see where Phil stands with women, at least Louise.

Arc – Phil establishes his future with Louise.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, goes with the major story arc – Louise as one of the guys.

Conflict – Louise overreacts, we see the potential for conflict and violence.

Hope/fear – Happy to sad, out of place to more out of place.

EXT. LAYOVER CITY STREET ALLEYWAY – NIGHT

An unseen man sees a pair of hoodlums assaulting a hooker who is propositioning a girl. The man takes them on, one of them with a knife. The man disarms him, stabs the other. They run away but not before one of them picks up his wallet. This guy knows martial arts and knife tactics. And then we see his face – it’s Phil!

Subtext – Secret guy is Phil who knows all about knife tactics!

Essence – we suspect Phil is the killer.

Arc – from knife victim to meting out knife punishment.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil as killer.

Conflict – deadly slashing going on.

Hope/fear – Phil could get slashed like his wife but he gets the upper hand.

INT. PHIL’S KITCHEN – DAY

Phil burns his souffle, can’t cook like his wife, throws the dish in the sink.

INT. SKYZA LIMIT FLIGHT 45 – DAY

Megan on her first flight after training. She’s giddy and outgoing, noticed by a strange man who stares at her with a wicked smile after she makes a joke.

Subtext – Megan’s flirting could get her in trouble.

Essence – Megan attracts trouble.

Arc – from giddy to “getty.”

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, future murder victim.

Conflict -the guy’s creepy.

Hope/fear – Megan’s smile fades when seeing this guy’s menacing look and his continual stare. The job is suddenly not fun anymore.

EXT. LAYOVER CITY – NIGHT

Megan meets a guy at a bar. His wife calls, so he leaves quickly. Megan walks back alone to the layover hotel. A masked man jumps her, stabs her. Phil finds her body, steps in her blood. Notices a man watching, chases after him, loses him. [Later, we learn that it’s the guy who has Phil’s wallet.] Phil hears the sirens, hurries away. Did he kill Megan?

Subtext – Guy cheating on his wife puts Megan in harm’s way. Phil does’t know the man watching him is the same dirtball who attacked him.

Essence – Megan’s karma ends in her demise.

Arc – Megan having a good time to getting stabbed to death.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, she dies.

Conflict – murder

Hope/fear – Megan is full of hope, then fears for her life.

EXT. ALLEYWAY – NIGHT

Police detective finds Megan’s out of state wallet, so he contacts the FBI.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

Agent Ben answers the phone.

INT. TARA’S HOUSE – DAY

At the wake, open casket, Phil promises Tara he won’t rest until he finds the killer. Tara has a surprise guest at the wake – Agent Ben who’s full of questions for Phil. Phil acts somewhat suspicious, answers evasively.

Subtext – Is Phil hiding something?

Essence – Phil as a suspect.

Arc – from innocent to possibly guilty.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil might be the killer.

Conflict – It’s obvious they don’t like each other.

Hope/fear – Phil goes from appearing cooperative to evasive. Ben goes from being merely inquisitive to suspicious.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

Agent Ben gets chewed out by the ASAC in front of the SAC for failing to follow through on a different case. Ben is relieved when the SAC puts him on the Megan murder case – it’s his big chance to prove himself. Ben is frequently humiliated by the ASAC who hints that Ben has big shoes to fill. Harangues him about his subpar shooting score and his need to lose weight. Ben murmurs, “bitch” just loud enough for the ASAC to hear. The SAC doesn’t hear it. ASAC threatens Ben in front of the SAC.

Subtext – They appear to resent each other.

Essence – Ben gets along with the SAC who appears to protect him from the ASAC.

Arc – Ben goes from being in the dog house to even worse with his immediate boss.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – Ben as the underdog who must outwit Phil.

Conflict – Resentment between Ben and the ASAC.

Hope/fear – Ben makes things worse for himself, or so it appears.

EXT. FBI SHOOTING RANGE – DAY

Ben misses a lot…

INT. TRAINING FACILITY – DAY

…but he’s good at hand-to-hand tactics.

Another agent remind Ben that he has big shoes to fill under the shadow of his father’s legacy.

INT. BEDROOM – DAY – FLASHBACK

A boy abused by his father, made to dress up in women’s clothing.

Subtext – who is the boy? Is it Ben?

Essence – abuse probably led to psychotic behavior on the part of somebody.

Arc – looks innocent enough until we see that it’s a boy with long hair being made to dress up like a girl.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – definitely

Conflict – loads.

Hope/fear – bad to worse for the unfortunate lad.

EXT. PHIL’S DRIVEWAY – DAY

Phil works under his car. The Banger who stole his wallet tries to kick the jack out. Phil gets out from underneath just in time, gives chase, loses him.

Subtext – Phil doesn’t know it’s the same guy who stole his wallet, wants to get even for his buddy’s death.

Essence – Phil almost gets killed, loses the guy. But gives Phil reason to respond violently. He is capable of killing.

Arc – Danger gets worse.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes Phil as retaliatory, possibly as a murderer.

Conflict – yes

Hope/fear – Phil almost gets crushed to death, escapes, then loses the guy.

INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – DAY

Ben interviews Phil. Ben has a lot of questions, seems to doubt Phil’s story. Phil clams up.

Subtext – What is Phil hiding?

Essence – Phil doesn’t like Ben’s insinuations.

Arc – from friendly questions to probing.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – Yes, is Ben right about Phil?

Conflict – personal animosity.

Hope/fear – Phil initially wins then loses the argument.

INT. CHIEF PILOT’S OFFICE – DAY

The chief pilot observes how despondent Phil is, gives him some time off.

INT. PHIL’S BASEMENT – DAY

Phil practices knife tactics.

EXT. DARK CITY STREET – NIGHT – FLASHBACK NIGHTMARE

Phil relives the night he lost his wife. Feels guilty because he was unable to defend her against a deadly knife attack. She died trying to save Phil.

INT. SHRINK’S OFFICE – DAY

Phil counseled by his shrink. She agrees to not report him to his employer, Skyza Airlines for having emotional problems. They make progress on Phil’s grief. She encourages him to engage in different activities to take his mind off his wife’s murder, and to be open to new relationships.

Subtext – Shrink helps Phil conceal his mental state from his employer.

Essence – Phil trusts and likes her.

Arc – Shrink encourages Phil with ways to deal with his trauma, seems to help.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil could be mentally disturbed beyond what is functional. Should he even be flying airplanes?

Conflict – Dr. wants to report Phil but he talks her out of it.

Hope/fear – Phil suggests they could date. She shuts him down.

Act 2

INT. COCKPIT – DAY

Phil goes back to work on his regular flight route. He’ hot and cold – scolds his co-pilot for making a routing error one moment, the next he’s pleasant to his regular crew of flight attendants, Rhonda, Delilah, and Georgia.

Subtext – Phil lashes out unexpectedly.

Essence – Is there something wrong with him?

Arc – FA’s calm him down.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil as volatile.

Conflict – Between captain and co-pilot.

Hope/fear – Phil appears to get through without difficulty but then explodes at his co-pilot. Should he be on the job?

INT. LAYOVER HOTEL BAR – NIGHT

FA’s Rhonda, Delilah, and Georgia try to cheer Phil up. Louise tells the FA’s how much she would like to have a relationship with him. They laugh at her. Phil has had too much to drink, embarrasses Delilah.

Louise gets hit on by another woman. Louise rebuffs her.

Phil gravitates to a woman in a business suit, has a drink with her. Louise appears jealous, downs several drinks watching them. [The lady is Phil’s therapist’s sister.]

Louise tells everyone her bladder is about to burst, runs to the bathroom, tells everyone that when she pees, it sounds like Niagara Falls. In fact, she does.

Subtext – a lot of hidden agendas.

Essence – Phil not attracted to Louise but is to the woman.

Arc – Louise loses out, and loses it, wishes she was a guy, life would be a lot easier.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, is Louise okay with her sexuality?

Conflict – Louise shows a different side of her, almost menacing.

Hope/fear – Louise goes from being hopeful with Phil to being dissed by him – this sets her off.

INT. LADIES ROOM – NIGHT

Behind the stall door, Louise stands on the toilet seat, sounds like a guy peeing.

INT. MARTIAL ARTS SCHOOL – DAY

Phil, already a brown belt, takes an advanced course in assault tactics using knives.

INT. DINER – NIGHT

Phil dines alone, has a conversation… again with no one.

INT. PHIL’S SHRINK’S OFFICE – DAY

Phil confides in his psychiatrist about his outbursts. She suggests that he try being friendly and open to new relationships. He confides that his wife was insanely jealous of other women.

Subtext – Phil reveals his secret knife fight.

Essence – Phil trusts and becomes more emotionally attached to Dr. Grayson. She kind of likes him, too.

Arc – Relationship deepens, perhaps beyond what is professional.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil’s evolving.

Conflict – She pushes back against his overtures.

Hope/fear – Phil’s hopeful she will respond but she dashes his hopes.

INT. HOTEL NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

Phil meets a flight attendant from another airline, buys her a drink. They compare room keys – they’re staying on the same floor. She leaves with friends for dinner.

Subtext – Phil is attracted to her. And she knows it. Louise is spying on him.

Essence – Phil is taking his shrink’s advice not knowing this is pissing off Louise.

Arc – Phil doesn’t mind getting a gentle brush off. He’s almost relieved.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil as somebody with the wherewithal to meet women and gain their confidence.

Conflict – minimal, maybe her boyfriend shows up.

Hope/fear – Phil has high hopes but loses his edge, confidence. Louise goes from fearful to hopeful.

EXT. HOTEL – NIGHT

Phil goes for a walk.

INT. HOTEL – NIGHT

Phil walks down the hall to his room, stops, sees a door ajar. He touches the door knob. His hand has blood on it. Was the blood already on his hand?

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY – NIGHT

Phil stands over the body of the same FA he had a drink with. Murdered the same way as Megan was stabbed. Phil picks up, drops the murder weapon, a knife. Runs to his room to wash the blood off.

Subtext – who killed her and why?

Essence – another murder involving Phil! Is he guilty? Did he black out?

Arc – Phil implicated once again.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil as guilty/innocent.

Conflict – the aftermath of a gruesome death.

Hope/fear – Phil at least acts shocked, traumatized, but recovers quickly, runs to his room.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY – NIGHT

Phil is questioned by police, as an anonymous witness/guest at the hotel. Phil leaves just before Ben arrives.

INT. AIRPORT – DAY

End of his trip, Phil is met by FBI agent Ben – now considers him a suspect. Ben tells Phil that the thug he chased after Megan’s murder was caught and released. He is angered by this.

Subtext – Ben has more evidence of Phil’s possible guilt but doesn’t let on.

Essence – tension building between these two.

Arc – from cordial to uncooperative, to caustic.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, lawman pursues suspect but is he guilty?

Conflict – animosity builds, especially after Phil’s attacker was let out.

Hope/fear – Phil goes from hoping he can convince Ben of his innocence to being fearful he will charge him with murder.

INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – OFFICE – NIGHT

Phil makes a file analyzing the two murders with photos, newspaper clippings and printouts. Opens his locked closet – full of maps and strings. Is he tracking or planning?

Phil talks to himself as if verbally jousting with Ben. He suspects that Agent Ben is tapping his phone, misinterpreting his answers and cooking up evidence to link him.

Subtext – Phil’s secret file and map room – what’ it’s purpose?

Essence – Phil has reason to believe his privacy and his rights are being violated. How will he retaliate?

Arc – Phil goes from acting innocent to acting possibly guilty.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, if Phil is the killer, it all makes sense, or does it?

Conflict – stakes are raised.

Hope/fear – Phil must prove/concoct his innocence before Ben puts him behind bars.

INT. LOUISE’S APARTMENT – DAY

Shaken by the killings, Phil seeks the comfort of Louise and her friend, Tammy before he leaves on his next flight. Tammy is taken up with Phil, talks about hooking up with him. Louise scowls at the idea.

Subtext – Tammy has a crush on Phil when she finds out he’s available.

Essence – Louise’s jealousy creeps up again.

Arc – Louise goes from being concerned to outraged.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – Louise as unhinged.

Conflict – Louise tries to hide her anger from Tammy. Phil is hers!

Hope/fear – Louise is fearful Tammy won’t let go of the idea of hitting on Phil.

Phil leaves.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

Ben wants to charge Phil but the ASAC tells him to stick to the evidence. She forbids Ben from seeking a search warrant or interfering with Phil’s flying, tells him to back off, stick to his primary investigation of embezzlement by a government employee.

Subtext – Ben is secretly working a corruption case against the SAC, with the ASAC’s supervision.

Essence – Make it appear Ben and the ASAC are on bad terms.

Arc – from professional to personal to confidential.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, the idea of hidden agendas.

Conflict – Phil vs the ASAC.

Hope/fear – Ben hopes he can nail Phil but the ASAC appears to put the kibosh on it. She knew Phil’s wife and how jealous she was when Phil was around other women, like flight attendants.

INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – DAY

Ben comes snooping around Phil’s house. Phil remotely turns on his car’s motor. Ben hears this, waits, as Phil slips out the back.

INT. LOUISE – DAY

Phil stays at Louise’s place. She’s quite happy to let him. She primps a lot, rubs his back.

Subtext – Louise can’t hide her attraction to Phil.

Essence – Phil knows he’s taking advantage of Louise’s weakness.

Arc – Phil uses Louise to hide from Ben.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil on the run so to speak.

Conflict – Phil is not interested in sleeping with Louise. She takes rejection hard.

Hope/fear – Louise goes from hopeful to sorrowful, to hopeful.

INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Louise secretly packs Phil’s things for another trip.

INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – DAY

Ben breaks the rules and searches Phil’s house with his partner, Ned. They find Phil’s file and secret closet full of details of the murders. Ben is compelled not to use it but Ned says he’s crazy not to.

Subtext – Will Ben use illegal evidence or abide by the law?

Essence – Ben puts himself in a quandary.

Arc – Ben goes from being stealthy to feeling guilty.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – Ben as Phil’s worthy adversary.

Conflict – Ben argues with Ned about using the evidence. Ned tries to convince Ben so as to honor his father’s legacy.

Hope/fear – Ben goes back and forth on using the file, as his virtue meter cycles up and down. Do we want him to succeed?

INT. AIRPLANE CABIN – DAY

Some of the usual flight attendants arrive early and greet passengers. The FO is late. Phil parks his bags and heads back up the jetway to retrieve paperwork. Delilah steps into the cockpit and sees Phil’s cell phone, rifles through photos of the murder victims. Sends them to a friend.

Subtext – Delilah looks at Phil’s phone, wants to get even with him for embarrassing her.

Essence – Phil’s photos are about to go public. Delilah shares them on social media, further incriminating him.

Arc – Word gets back to Ben – now he can use the photographic evidence. Phil doesn’t know it but he’s a wanted man.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, Phil as guilty one.

Conflict – Phil vs. the law and the airline and Delilah.

Hope/fear – Delilah almost gets caught looking through Phil’s cell phone while she airdrops the murder photos.

INT. LAYOVER HOTEL BAR – NIGHT

Louise tries to get intimate with Phil once again, attempting to extract sexual favors from him in return for her help. Phil deflects her advances. Louise remains undeterred.

Subtext – How far will Louise go?

Essence – Phil has to stop leading Louise on.

Arc – Louise goes from hopeful to discouraged to depressed.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – Phil and now Louise as unstable.

Conflict – Phil must get tough about Louise’s obesession.

Hope/fear – – Phil tries to be as nice as he can but it’s not working.

INT. HOTEL SPA AND WELLNESS CENTER – DAY

In the sauna, Phil meditates into Delta brain waves and remote viewing. He’s shocked he can see things that may happen in the future, just as his shrink said was possible.

EXT. DARK CITY STREET – NIGHT – PHIL’S VISION

A hazy scene where a tall figure in black hooded drench coat shadows a young woman, following her. A fleeting view of a scorpion tattoo. Is this the next murder?

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

Ben is on the phone with Delilah who tells him about the photos and where he can find Phil that evening.

INT. FBI SAC’S OFFICE – DAY

Ben shows unusual interest in the SAC’s financial statements on his desk while he waits for him to get off the phone. Ben says he knows he’s going over the ASAC’s head, but he has proof of Phil’s guilt provided by “an informant.” SAC gives Ben permission to fly to Phil’s layover city to arrest him.

Subtext – Ben is secretly investigating his boss, the SAC.

Essence – Ben nevertheless wants to arrest Phil on suspicion of murder.

Arc – Ben goes from beseeching to satisfied, on more than one level.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – Ben can now pursue his man, and Phil.

Conflict – The SAC reminds Phil of his poor relationship with the ASAC. Ben plays along, make up a story about how she didn’t like his father.

Hope/fear – Ben goes from hopeful to elated. He might even make an arrest.

INT. PHIL’S CAR – MOVING – DAY

Phil’s getting strong vibes that something bad is going to happen tonight at the Sunflower Hotel. Just then he gets a text from Tammy’s phone to meet him there in room 767. He tries to call her back to warn her that she might be in danger. No answer.

Subtext – Phil must find out if Tammy is in danger. He must go to her immediately.

Essence – tension mounts

Arc – from bad to worse – he can’t contact Tammy.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, escalation as per the thriller genre.

Conflict – anticipitory.

Hope/fear – he’s got a text, but then can’t contact her.

INT. AIRPORT – DAY

Ben hurriedly boards an airplane. Wonders if Phil is the captain… on his way to commit another murder.

INT. LAYOVER CITY AIRPORT – NIGHT

Ben runs through the airport to meet his ride. He gets winded easily. Uses his inhaler.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Flashback: An unidentified boy is abused by his father, made to pose for pictures dressed up like a girl. Is it Ben? Phil? The serial killer?

INT. SUNFLOWER HOTEL – NIGHT

Phil cases the joint, runs into Louise. She tells him that Tammy called her for help. Louise hides her surprise that Phil is there.

Phil asks Louise if she knows where Tammy is. Louise says no. Phil is worried that something bad will happen to her soon. Louise tries desperately to stop Phil from leaving her in the lobby. Phil heads for the elevator.

Subtext – Louise is lying.

Essence – Phil must react quickly to save Tammy.

Arc – impending climax

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes

Conflict – impending violence

Hope/fear – find Tammy

INT. SUNFLOWER HOTEL – NIGHT

Ben spots Phil heading for the elevator – just misses him.

INT. SUNFLOWER HOTEL – SEVENTH FLOOR – NIGHT

Phil runs to room 767, pounds on the door. He hears muffled screams.

INT. TAMMY’S HOTEL ROOM 767 – NIGHT

He bashes in the door and finds Tammy, bloodied, gagged and tied to the bed posts. Her wrists are slit. Phil runs to her, starts to untie her.

Ben arrives, pulls a gun on Phil. Tammy screams when she sees Louise behind Ben. Louise stabs Ben in the back. The gun goes off, hitting Phil in the shoulder. Ben goes down, unconscious. Phil collapses too.

Louise talks crazy to Phil – now they can finally be together – just need to get rid of Tammy. Phil tries to talk her out of it, tells Louise that she needs help. Louise laughs it off. She moves closer to Tammy, knife in hand. Ben revives, shoots, hits the glass door, fires again at Louise, grazes her. Phil pounces on Louise. They both struggle for the knife. They go crashing through the shattered glass door to the balcony, and over the edge. Phil hangs on to the railing, Louise hanging on to Phil, losing her wig – she is a he!

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT – FLASHBACK

An unidentified boy is abused by his father, made to pose for pictures dressed up like a girl.

BACK TO SCENE

Lewis explains that in order for them to be together, they have to get rid of witnesses. Phil smacks Lewis to the ground and begins to untie Tammy. Lewis attacks with a knife. This time, Phil knows what to do.

Phil uses his learned knife skills, ones that he would never be defenseless as when his wife was stabbed to death.

Lewi’s dress falls, revealing that Lewis wears BVD’s, and has a package. Phil spots the scorpion tattoo behind Louise’s ear.

Lewis wields a knife close to Phil’s throat. Phil tries to disarm Lewis. Ben intervenes to save Phil. Lewis shoots Ben again.

Phil musters all his energy, charges Lewis . They both go over the edge. Phil lands on the lower floor balcony, hanging on for dear life. Same for Lewis – he tells Phil he killed the girls so they could be together. Phil must either save himself or risk his life saving Lewis. Lewis grabs his arm. Phil uses a newly learned knife move, stabs Lewis’ hand, kicks him off the rail. Lewis falls to his death.

Essence – Killer about to be revealed.

Arc – Will Tammy be the next victim?

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes

Conflict – yes, fight to the death.

Hope/fear – will the good guys win?

Resolution

– we now see the boy forced to dress up like a girl that we thought was Phil or Ben was really Lewis.

INT. HOSPITAL – BEN’S ROOM – DAY

Ben is being discharged, has an important meeting at the office. Phil reminds him he’s a lousy shot.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

Ben is credited with solving the crime and saving Phil’s life. Was really investigating the SAC for embezzlement (with the help of the ASAC), wears a vest (one reason he looks overweight) when shot by Louise.

(but as a ruse to

fool the corrupt SAC whom Ben is investigating).

R9: Ben arrests his boss.

R20: Ben reads him his rights.

ASAC secretly dating Ben’s informant, the SAC’s secretary

Ben gets promoted.

P5: Phil was compiling a file to catch the killer.

S7: Phil’s shrink helps him so he doesn’t need her anymore. She suggests a dinner date. He says no.

R18: Doorbell rings – it’s his date – her.

P14. Phil visits his wife’s grave says goodbye to her. R17: Phil perfects his souffle.

R1: He’s not insane – talking with his wife was the technique his shrink advised him to use while grieving.

Phil dines in the same restaurant as before, having a conversation – his dead wife? R7: No, with his recovered therapist. He now says yes.

Ben gets promoted., rewards Phil for his bravery. Phil has learned to appreciate life. Ready for a new relationship.

Subtext – hidden agendas revealed: Ben – capable, Phil – not crazy, Lewis – really a man

Essence – resolution

Arc – tieing lose ends and closing payoffs.

Reflective of the pitch/high concept – yes, completes the storyline

Conflict – dissolved

Hope/fear – Phil gets the girl he wants after all.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Emotional Moments
Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that considering each of the emotional ideas, helps create unexpected deeper meaning.

Act 1:
Opening – Airline pilot Phil attends the surprise b-day for his adopted niece, Megan, who lives down the street. Pilots Drew and Chet and Flight Attendants Rhonda, Louse and Georgia celebrate Megans’s new job as a flight attendant, a job Phil helped her get. Megan keeps hugging Phil. She thinks of him as more than just a father figure .The flight attendants note this is kind of weird. Phil is very uncomfortable.

S14: Phil visits his wife’s grave, still mourning her death.
S18: Phil gets along with his shrink. She encourages him to engage in different activities to take his mind off his wife’s murder. Phil attends to his rare coin collection, becomes deeply disturbed. Sits alone in his living room, brooding, talking to himself.

S17. Phil burns his souffle, throws the dish in the sink.

S16: Phil demonstrates amazing courage, helps a girl who’s being assaulted. She runs away,. Bangers recognize him. How?”

R16: Bangers come looking for him. Phil outsmarts them. S3: Phil practices knife skills for killing.

Phil feels guilty because he was unable to defend his wife from a violent attack. He constantly relives the memory of being unable to save her.

S15: Phil works under his car. Banger trio to kick the jack out. S8: Phil tries meditation. At first , he doesn’t take to it.

Out for a walk on a downtown layover, an unseen man sees a pair of hoodlums assaulting a hooker. (Later revealed that her customer was a girl.) Th man takes them out mercilessly. He knows martial arts and knife tactics. Leaves them both near death. (Later, we find out it was Phil.)

Inciting Incident – Two nights later Megan is knifed by an unknown masked attacker. [But where?] Phil finds her body, steps in her blood. Phil chases a suspect, loses him. [Is the suspect real or imagined? Is this retaliation for knifing the johns?]

S2: Louise acts like a fragile female in need of TLC. She watches a soap opera and gets emotional. She draws a big unhappy smile on her bathroom mirror with lipstick.

Phil promises Megan’s mother that he will not rest until the killer is caught. He means it.

Turning Point 1: FBI agent Ben is surprised when hi boss puts him on the case – it’s his big chance to prove himself.

S4: Ben has big shoes to fill under the shadow of his father’s legacy.

He opens an investigation because Megan’s mom tells him the killer had out-of-state plates. Ben’s in trouble with his boss for failing to follow up with an important interview.

S20: Ben’s boss is an ass.

S6: We see mysterious FB’s re: a boy being abused, made to dress up in women’s clothing.

Ben lives under the shadow of his father’s legacy, a by-the-book veteran. Ben interviews Phil. Phil is tight-lipped.

The chief pilot observes how despondent Phil is, gives him some time off.

We see Phil having an attentive conversation with someone at a cozy restaurant booth. But there’s no one therel

S1: Phil broods and has conversations with his dead wife.

But as we pan to the side, we see that no one’s there. The waitress looks concerned. Has Phil lost it?

Act 2

Phil goes back to work, on his regular flight route, greeted by FA’s Rhonda, Louise, and Georgia, all of whom express their sympathy and try to cheer him up on a layover. Louise expresses to the FA’s how much she would like to have a relationship with Phil.

On the same trip. Phil scolds his co-pilot.

S11: Phil embarrasses Rhonda.
S13. Louise gets hit on by another woman. R13: Louise rebuffs her –hidden agenda.

On the layover party, he meets a flight attendant from another airline and has a drink with her. She’s a therapist there to help him. Louise appears jealous, downs several.

S19: Louise tells everyone her bladder is about to burst, runs to the bathroom. S21: Louis tells everyone that when she pees, it sounds like Niagara Falls.

R19: Surprise- She sounds like a guy peeing.
R21: Cause she stands up.
Phil takes an advanced course in assault tactics using knives.

Phil dines again, having a conversation with no one there.
R15: While working on his car, a killer tries to knock out the jack. Phil gives chase, loses him.

Ben struggles to pass his FBI fitness test. Not the athletic type. He also barely passes his shooting accuracy test.

Midpoint Turning Point – Phil stands over the body of the same FA he had a drink with from a different airline in her hotel room, the door left ajar. Murdered the same way as Megan, repeatedly stabbed. Phil picks up, drops the murder weapon, a knife.

Phil is questioned by the police and later by FBI agent Ben – now considers Phil the prime suspect.

Phil finds out the suspect he chased after Megan’s murder was caught and released. He is angered by this.

Phil is puzzled by a similar murder so soon after Megan’s death. Finds similarities. He makes a file analyzing the two murders.

S5: Phil keeps a detailed file on the killings.

Phil suspects that Agent Ben is tapping his phone, misinterpreting his answers over the phone. and his inconsistent answers to his earlier questions. Ben comes to Phil’s house. Phil slips out the back. Phil decides to do his own investigation.

Phil checks into a hotel with Louise.

S10. Louise primps a lot.

With her help [she secretly fetches his clothes], Phil goes on another weekly trip with the same group of flight attendants. Louise tries to get intimate with Phil. Phil snubs Louise’s advances – he’s not ready for another relationship. Louise is stunned, but undaunted.

While on a trip, Phil’s home is searched by Ben and his partner, Ned. They have a limited search warrant but Ned improperly finds Phil’s file. finds Phil’s file, full of details of the murders. Ben is compelled not to use it.

Plan in action – Using remote viewing, Phil figures out the killer’s MO and where the next murder is likely to take place.

R8: Phil sees the next murder while meditating. S22: Phil has a vision of a scorpion behind an ear.

Ben gets chewed out by his supervisor for how he handles the search warrant.

S9: Ben suspects his boss is dirty.

Based on Phil’s file, Ben flies to the city that Phil has marked on the map and the hotel Phil has circled. [Is this the layover hotel or a different one.]

Act 3:
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift –

Another layover murder. The killer must be an airline person. Phil receives an anonymous message to check on her. Enters the room just after the murder.

Someone follows, scares Phil’s therapist.

Ben looks for Phil. Tipped off by Louise, Phil goes underground. Ben almost catches Phil on the run. Ben is out of shape. Later, Phil , goes on another trip. Louise helps Phill elude Ben.

– Phil decides he must vindicate himself by solving the murders and clear his name. He practices his knife moves.

Flashback: An unidentified boy is abused by his father, made to dress up like a girl. Who is the boy?

R11: Rhonda rats out Phil to Ben.

Rhonda discovers evidence that implicates Phil, rats him out to Ben. Now Ben is ready to pounce.

Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict –
Shaken by the killings, Phil seeks the comfort of Louise and her friend, Tammy. Tammy is taken up with Phil talks about hooking up with him. Louise scowls.

S12: Phil races to the murder scene.
R12: Phil bumps into Louise there.
(Note: Which is it?)
Phil drives to the friend Tammy’s apartment. Phil shows up, sees the friend tied up. Tipped off by Rhonda, Agent Ben races to Tammy’s apartment.

R6: The FB’s are a boy’s horrors – but who’s? (Lewis)

Ben aims at Phil thinking he’s the killer . The masked killer bumps Ben, stabs him. Phil charges, wig and mask fall off – it’s Louise aka Lewis. He is shocked but Lewis tries to explain that he loves Phil. “I would die for you.” Lewis wields a knife close to Phil’s throat. Phil disarms Lewis. Ben intervenes to save Phil. Lewis shoots Ben.

R2. She’s a he, and he’s the killer. Ben tries to help Phil. Lewis shoots Ben.

R3: Phil uses his learned knife skills the ones so that he would never be defenseless as when his wife was stabbed to death.
R10: Louise has a package.
R22: Phil sees the scorpion tattoo behind Louise’s ear.

Phil musters all his energy, charges Lewis . They both go over the edge. Phil lands on the lower floor balcony, hanging on for dear life. Same for Lewis – he tells Phil he killed the girls so they could be together. Phil must either save himself or risk his life saving Lewis. Lewis grabs his arm.

Phil uses a newly learned knife move, stabs Lewis’ hand, kicks him off the rail. Lewis falls to his death.

Resolution – we now see the boy forced to dress up like a girl that we thought was Phil or Ben was really Lewis.

R4: Ben is credited with solving the crime and saving Phil’s life.

Phil visits Ben in the hospital. Ben is healed, so he leaves with an important task to do

R9: Ben arrests his boss.
R20: Ben reads him his rights.

Ben gets promoted.

P5: Phil was compiling a file to catch the killer.
S7: Phil’s shrink helps him so he doesn’t need her anymore. She suggests a dinner date. He says no.
R18: Doorbell rings – it’s his date – her.

P14. Phil visits his wife’s grave says goodbye to her. R17: Phil perfects his souffle.

Phil dines in the same restaurant as before, having a conversation – his dead wife? R7: No, with his recovered therapist. He now says yes.

Ben gets promoted., rewards Phil for his bravery. Phil has learned to appreciate life. Ready for a new relationship.

R1: He’s not insane – talking with his wife was the technique his shrink advised him to use while grieving.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Intriguing Moments

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that focusing on what happens TO a character is a major breakthrough in discovering intrigue.

Act 1:
Opening – Airline pilot Phil attends the surprise b-day for his adopted niece, Megan, who lives down the street. Pilots Drew and Chet and Flight Attendants Rhonda, Louise and Georgia celebrate Megans’s new job as a flight attendant, a job Phil helped her get. Megan keeps hugging Phil. She thinks of him as more than just a father figure . The flight attendants note this is kind of weird. Phil is very uncomfortable.

Phil – Loses his wife, Gets targeted by a group of hoodlums, Keeps a secret file, Wipes up the blood, looks guilty

Branded by some as a crazy S14: Phil visits his wife’s grave, still mourning her death. S18: Phil gets along with his shrink. She encourages him to engage in different activities to take his mind off his wife’s murder. Phil attends to his rare coin collection, becomes deeply disturbed. Sits alone in his living room, brooding, talking to himself.

S2: Louise acts like a fragile female in need of TLC. She watches a soap opera and gets emotional. She draws a big unhappy smile on her bathroom mirror with lipstick.

S17. Phil burns his souffle, throws the dish in the sink.

S16: Phil demonstrates amazing courage, helps a girl who’s being assaulted. She runs away,. Bangers recognize him. How?”

R16: Bangers come looking for him. Phil outsmarts them. S3: Phil practices knife skills for killing.

Phil feels guilty because he was unable to defend his wife from a violent attack. He constantly relives the memory of being unable to save her.

S15: Phil works under his car. Banger tries to kick the jack out. S8: Phil tries meditation. At first , he doesn’t take to it.

Out for a walk on a downtown layover, an unseen man sees a pair of hoodlums assaulting a hooker. (Later revealed that her customer was a girl.) The man takes them

out mercilessly. He knows martial arts and knife tactics. Leaves them both near death. (Later, we find out it was Phil.)

Inciting Incident – Two nights later Megan is knifed by an unknown masked attacker. [But where?] Phil finds her body, steps in her blood. Phil chases a suspect, loses him. [Is the suspect real or imagined? Is this retaliation for knifing the johns?]

Phil promises Megan’s mother that he will not rest until the killer is caught. He means it.

Turning Point 1: FBI agent Ben is surprised when his boss, the SAC, puts him on the case – it’s his big chance to prove himself. Ben – Humiliated by the ASAC (but as a ruse to

fool the corrupt SAC whom Ben is investigating).The use of FO by the ASAC as when Ben mouths “FO” is a secret signal to meet the ASAC “Cuz that’s what my ex used to say, “Get the FO me!”), Barely passed his shooting qual, Is really good at hand-to-hand tactics, Is really investigating the SAC for embezzlement (with the help of the ASAC), wears a vest (one reason he looks overweight) when shot by Louise.

S4: Ben has big shoes to fill under the shadow of his father’s legacy.

He opens an investigation because Megan’s mom tells him the killer had out-of-state plates. Ben’s in trouble with his boss for failing to follow up with an important interview.

S20: Ben’s boss is an ass.

S6: We see mysterious FB’s re: a boy being abused, made to dress up in women’s clothing.
Ben lives under the shadow of his father’s legacy, a by-the-book veteran. Ben interviews Phil. Phil is tight-lipped.

The chief pilot observes how despondent Phil is, gives him some time off.

We see Phil having an attentive conversation with someone at a cozy restaurant booth. But there’s no one there!

S1: Phil broods and has conversations with his dead wife.

But as we pan to the side, we see that no one’s there. The waitress looks concerned. Has Phil lost it?

Act 2

Phil goes back to work, on his regular flight route, greeted by FA’s Rhonda, Louise, and Georgia, all of whom express their sympathy and try to cheer him up on a layover. Louise expresses to the FA’s how much she would like to have a relationship with Phil.

Louise – Deeply troubled due to childhood abuse, Fixates on Phil as a father figure, Keeps his gender a secret

On the same trip. Phil scolds his co-pilot.

S11: Phil embarrasses Rhonda.
S13. Louise gets hit on by another woman. R13: Louise rebuffs her –hidden agenda.

On the layover party, he meets a flight attendant from another airline and has a drink with her. She’s a therapist there to help him. Louise appears jealous, downs several.

S19: Louise tells everyone her bladder is about to burst, runs to the bathroom. S21: Louis tells everyone that when she pees, it sounds like Niagara Falls.

R19: Surprise- She sounds like a guy peeing.
R21: Cause she stands up.
Phil takes an advanced course in assault tactics using knives.

Phil dines again, having a conversation with no one there.
R15: While working on his car, a killer tries to knock out the jack. Phil gives chase, looses him.
Ben struggles to pass his FBI fitness test. Not the athletic type. He also barely passes his shooting accuracy test.

Midpoint Turning Point – Phil stands over the body of the same FA he had a drink with from a different airline in her hotel room, the door left ajar. Murdered the same way as Megan, repeatedly stabbed. Phil picks up, drops the murder weapon, a knife.

Phil is questioned by the police and later by FBI agent Ben – now considers Phil the prime suspect. Get accused of being a serial killer

Phil finds out the suspect he chased after Megan’s murder was caught and released. He is angered by this.

Phil is puzzled by a similar murder so soon after Megan’s death. Finds similarities. He makes a file analyzing the two murders.

S5: Phil keeps a detailed file on the killings.

Phil suspects that Agent Ben is tapping his phone, misinterpreting his answers over the phone. and his inconsistent answers to his earlier questions. Ben comes to Phil’s house. Phil slips out the back. Phil decides to do his own investigation.

Phil checks into a hotel with Louise.

S10. Louise primps a lot.

With her help [she secretly fetches his clothes], Phil goes on another weekly trip with the same group of flight attendants. Louise tries to get intimate with Phil. Phil snubs Louise’s advances – he’s not ready for another relationship. Louise is stunned, but undaunted.

While on a trip, Phil’s home is searched by Ben and his partner, Ned. They have a limited search warrant but Ned improperly finds Phil’s file. finds Phil’s file, full of details of the murders. Ben is compelled not to use it.

Plan in action – Using remote viewing, Phil figures out the killer’s MO and where the next murder is likely to take place.

R8: Phil sees the next murder while meditating. S22: Phil has a vision of a scorpion behind an ear.

Ben gets chewed out by his supervisor for how he handles the search warrant.

S9: Ben suspects his boss is dirty.

Based on Phil’s file, Ben flies to the city that Phil has marked on the map and the hotel Phil has circled. [Is this the layover hotel or a different one.]

Act 3:
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift –
Another layover murder. The killer must be an airline person. Phil receives an anonymous message to check on her. Enters the room just after the murder.

Someone follows, scares Phil’s therapist.

Ben looks for Phil. Tipped off by Louise, Phil goes underground. Ben almost catches Phil on the run. Ben is out of shape. Later, Phil , goes on another trip. Louise helps Phill elude Ben.

– Phil decides he must vindicate himself by solving the murders and clear his name. He practices his knife moves.

Flashback: An unidentified boy is abused by his father, made to dress up like a girl. Who is the boy?

R11: Rhonda rats out Phil to Ben.

Rhonda discovers evidence that implicates Phil, rats him out to Ben. Now Ben is ready to pounce.

Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict –
Shaken by the killings, Phil seeks the comfort of Louise and her friend, Tammy. Tammy is taken up with Phil talks about hooking up with him. Louise scowls.

S12: Phil races to the murder scene. R12: Phil bumps into Louise there. (Note: Which is it?)

Phil drives to the friend Tammy’s apartment. Phil shows up, sees the friend tied up. Tipped off by Rhonda, Agent Ben races to Tammy’s apartment.

R6: The FB’s are a boy’s horrors – but who’s? (Lewis)

Ben aims at Phil thinking he’s the killer . The masked killer bumps Ben, stabs him. Phil charges, wig and mask fall off – it’s Louise aka Lewis. He is shocked but Lewis tries to explain that he loves Phil. “I would die for you.” Lewis wields a knife close to Phil’s throat. Phil disarms Lewis. Ben intervenes to save Phil. Lewis shoots Ben.

R2. She’s a he, and he’s the killer. Ben tries to help Phil. Lewis shoots Ben.

R3: Phil uses his learned knife skills the ones so that he would never be defenseless as when his wife was stabbed to death.
R10: Louise has a package.
R22: Phil sees the scorpion tattoo behind Louise’s ear.

Phil musters all his energy, charges Lewis . They both go over the edge. Phil lands on the lower floor balcony, hanging on for dear life. Same for Lewis – he tells Phil he killed the girls so they could be together. Phil must either save himself or risk his life saving Lewis. Lewis grabs his arm. Phil uses a newly learned knife move, stabs Lewis’ hand, kicks him off the rail. Lewis falls to his death.

Resolution

– we now see the boy forced to dress up like a girl that we thought was Phil or Ben was really Lewis.

R4: Ben is credited with solving the crime and saving Phil’s life.

Phil visits Ben in the hospital. Ben is healed, so he leaves with an important task to do

R9: Ben arrests his boss.
R20: Ben reads him his rights.

ASAC secretly dating Ben’s informant, the SAC’s secretary

Ben gets promoted.

P5: Phil was compiling a file to catch the killer.
S7: Phil’s shrink helps him so he doesn’t need her anymore. She suggests a dinner date. He says no.
R18: Doorbell rings – it’s his date – her.

P14. Phil visits his wife’s grave says goodbye to her. R17: Phil perfects his souffle.

R1: He’s not insane – talking with his wife was the technique his shrink advised him to use while grieving.

Phil dines in the same restaurant as before, having a conversation – his dead wife? R7: No, with his recovered therapist. He now says yes.

Ben gets promoted., rewards Phil for his bravery. Phil has learned to appreciate life. Ready for a new relationship.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Reveal

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that reveals sometimes suggest other dramatic moments.

Phil – loner, building rage, clever, fearless, guilt-ridden

Ben – ambitious, risk taker, something to prove. Ethical.

Louise – conflicted, lovelorn, desperate, possessive, polite.

S – Setup. R – Reveal

Act 1:
Opening – Phil attends the b-day for his adopted niece, Megan, who lives down the street. Pilots Drew and Chet and Flight Attendants Rhonda, Louse and Georgia celebrate Megans’s new job as a flight attendant, a job Phil helped her get. Megan keeps hugging Phil. The flight attendants note this is kind of weird.

S14: Phil visits his wife’s grave. S18: Phil gets along with his shrink.

S2: Louise is a fragile female in need of TLC.

Phil attends to his rare coin collection,

S17. Phil burns his souffle.

becomes deeply disturbed. Sits alone in his living room, brooding, talking to himself. (Later we find out his wound is over the death of his wife.

S16: Phil helps a girl who’s being assaulted. R16: Bangers come looking for him.
S3: Phil practices knife skills for killing.

He feels guilty because he was unable to defend her from a violent attack. He constantly relives the memory of being unable to save her.

S15: Phil works under his car.

S8: Phil tries meditation.

Out for a walk on a downtown layover, Phil sees a pair of hoodlums assaulting a hooker. (Later revealed that her customer was a girl. ) Phil takes them out mercilessly. He knows martial arts and knife tactics. Leaves them both near death.

Inciting Incident – Two nights later Megan is knifed by an unknown masked attacker. [But where?] Phil finds her body, steps in her blood. Phil chases a burglar suspect in his neighborhood, loses him. [Is the suspect real or imagined? Is this retaliation for knifing the johns?]

Phil promises Megan’s mother that he will not rest until the killer is caught. He means it.

Turning Point 1: FBI agent Ben is put on the case as a chance to prove himself.

S4: Ben has big shoes to fill under the shadow of his father’s legacy.

He opens an investigation because Megan’s mom tells him the killer had out-of-state plates. Ben’s under the gun for failing to follow up with an important interview.

S20: Ben’s boss is an ass.

S6: We see mysterious FB’s re: a boy being abused, made to dress up in women’s clothing..

He lives under the shadow of his father’s legacy, a by-the-book veteran. Ben interviews Phil. Phil is tight-lipped.

The chief pilot observes how despondent Phil is, gives him some time off.
We see Phil having an attentive conversation with someone at a cozy restaurant booth.

S1: Phil broods and has conversations with his dead wife.

But as we pan to the side, we see that no one’s there. The waitress looks concerned. Has Phil lost it?

Act 2

Phil goes back to work, on his regular flight route, greeted by FA’s Rhonda, Louise, and Georgia, all of whom express their sympathy and try to cheer him up on a layover. Louise expresses to the FA’s how much she would like to have a relationship with Phil.

On the same trip. Phil scolds his co-pilot.

S11: Phil embarrasses Rhonda.
S13. Louise gets hit on by another woman. R13: Louise rebuffs her –hidden agenda.

On the layover party, he meets a flight attendant from another airline and has a drink with her. She’s a therapist there to help him. Louise appears jealous, downs several.

S19: Louise tells everyone her bladder is about to burst, runs to the bathroom.

S21: Louis tells everyone that when she pees, it sounds like Niagara Falls.

R19: She sounds like a guy peeing. R21: Cause she stands up.

Phil takes an advanced course in assault tactics using knives.

R15: While working on his car, a killer tries to knock out the jack. Phil gives chase, loses him.

Ben struggles to pass his FBI fitness test. Not the athletic type. He also barely passes his shooting accuracy test.

Midpoint Turning Point – Phil stands over the body of the same FA he had a drink with from a different airline in her hotel room, the door left ajar. Murdered the same way as Megan, repeatedly stabbed. Phil picks up, drops the murder weapon, a knife.

Phil is questioned by the police and later by FBI agent Ben – now considers Phil the prime suspect.

Phil finds out the suspect he chased after Megan’s murder was caught and released. He is angered by this.

Phil is puzzled by a similar murder so soon after Megan’s death. Finds similarities. He makes a file analyzing the two murders.

The waitress asks if it helps. Phil nods, says yes.

S5: Phil keeps a detailed file on the killings.

Phil suspects that Agent Ben is tapping his phone, misinterpreting his answers over the phone. and his inconsistent answers to his earlier questions. Ben comes to Phil’s house. Phil slips out the back. Phil decides to do his own investigation.

Phil checks into a hotel with Louise.

S10. Louise primps a lot.

With her help [she secretly fetches his clothes], goes on another weekly trip with the same group of flight attendants. Phil snubs Louise’s advances – he’s not ready for another relationship. Louise is stunned, but undaunted.

While on a trip, Phil’s home is searched by Ben and his partner, Ned. They have a limited search warrant but Ned improperly finds Phil’s file. finds Phil’s file, full of details of the murders. Ben is compelled not to use it.

Plan in action – Using remote viewing, Phil figures out the killer’s MO and where the next murder is likely to take place.

R8: Phil sees the next murder while meditating.

S22: Phil has a vision of a scorpion behind an ear.

Ben gets chewed out by his supervisor for how he handles the search warrant.

S9: Ben suspects his boss is dirty.

Based on Phil’s file, Ben flies to the city that Phil has marked on the map and the hotel Phil has circled. [Is this the layover hotel or a different one.]

Act 3:
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift –
Another layover murder – it’s Phil’s therapist. The killer must be an airline person. Phil receives an anonymous message to check on her. Enters the room just after the murder.

Ben looks for Phil. Tipped off by Louise, Phil goes underground. Ben almost catches Phil on the run. Ben is out of shape. Later, Louise helps Phill elude Ben.

– Phil decides he must vindicate himself by solving the murders and clear his name. He practices his knife moves.

Flashback: An unidentified boy is abused by his father, made to dress up like a girl. Who is the boy?

R11: Rhonda rats out Phil to Ben.

Rhonda discovers evidence that implicates Phil, rats him out to Ben. Now Ben is ready to pounce.

Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict –
Shaken by the killings, Phil seeks the comfort of Louise and her friend, Tammy. Tammy is taken up with Phil talks about hooking up with him. Louise scowls.

S12: Phil races to the murder scene.
R12: Phil bumps into Louise there.
(Note: Which is it?)
Phil drives to the friend Tammy’s apartment. Phil shows up, sees the friend tied up. Tipped off by Rhonda, Agent Ben races to Tammy’s apartment.

R6: The FB’s are a boy’s horrors – but who’s? (Lewis)

Ben shoots Phil thinking he’s the killer . The masked killer stabs Ben. Phil charges, wig and mask fall off – it’s Louise aka Lewis. He is shocked but Lewis tries to explain that he loves him. “I would die for you.”

R2. She’s a he, and he’s the killer.

R1: He’s not insane – talking with his wife was the technique his shrink advised him to use while grieving.

R3: Phil uses his learned knife skills the ones so that he would never be defenseless as when his wife was stabbed to death.
R10: Louise has a package.
R22: Phil sees the scorpion tattoo behind Louise’s ear.

Phil musters all his energy, charges Lewis . They both go over the edge. Phil lands on the lower floor balcony, hanging on for dear life. Same for Lewis – he tells Phil he killed the girls so they could be together. Phil uses a newly learned knife move, stabs Lewis’ hand, kicks him off the rail. Lewis falls to his death.

Resolution – we now see the boy forced to dress up like a girl that we thought was Phil or Ben was really Lewis.

R4: Ben is credited with solving the crime and saving Phil’s life.

Phil visits Ben in the hospital. Ben is healed, so he leaves with an important task to do

R9: Ben arrests his boss.
R20: Ben reads him his rights.

Ben gets promoted.

P5: Phil was compiling a file to catch the killer.
S7: Phil’s shrink helps him so he doesn’t need her anymore. She suggests a dinner date. He says no.
R18: Doorbell rings – it’s his date – her.

P14. Phil visits his wife’s grave says goodbye to her. R17: Phil perfects his souffle.

Phil dines in the same restaurant as before, having a conversation – his dead wife?

R7: No, with his now retired therapist.

Ben gets promoted., rewards Phil for his bravery.

Phil says goodbye to his wife. Phil has learned to appreciate life. Ready for a new relationship.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Character Action Tracks!

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that character traits and journeys pave the way for their actions and story development.

Phil – loner, building rage, clever, fearless, guilt-ridden

Ben – ambitious, risk taker, something to prove. Ethical.

Louise – conflicted, lovelorn, desperate, possessive, polite.

Act 1:
Opening – Phil attends the b-day for his adopted niece, Megan, who lives down the street. Pilots Drew and Chet and Flight Attendants Rhonda, Louse and Georgia celebrate Megans’s new job as a flight attendant, a job Phil helped her get. Megan keeps hugging Phil. The flight attendants note this is kind of weird.

Phil attends to his rare coin collection, suddenly becomes deeply disturbed. Sits alone in his living room, brooding, talking to himself. (Later we find out his wound is over the death of his wife. He feels guilty because he was unable to defend her from a violent attack. He constantly relives the memory of being unable to save her.

Out for a walk on a downtown layover, Phil sees a pair of hoodlums assaulting a hooker. (Later revealed that her customer was a girl. ) Phil takes them out mercilessly. He knows martial arts and knife tactics. Leaves them both near death.

Inciting Incident – Two nights later Megan is knifed by an unknown masked attacker. [But where?] Phil finds her body, steps in her blood. Phil chases a burglar suspect in his neighborhood, loses him. [Is the suspect real or imagined? Is this retaliation for knifing the johns?]

Phil promises Megan’s mother that he will not rest until the killer is caught. He means it.

Turning Point 1: FBI agent Ben is put on the case as a chance to prove himself. He opens an investigation because Megan’s mom tells him the killer had out-of-state plates. Ben’s under the gun for failing to follow up with an important interview. He lives under the shadow of his father’s legacy, a by-the-book veteran. Ben interviews Phil. Phil is tight-lipped.

The chief pilot observes how despondent Phil is, gives him some time off.

We see Phil having an attentive conversation with someone at a cozy restaurant booth. But as we pan to the side, we see that no one’s there. The waitress looks concerned. Has Phil lost it?

Act 2

Phil goes back to work, on his regular flight route, greeted by FA’s Rhonda, Louise, and Georgia, all of whom express their sympathy and try to cheer him up on a layover. Louise expresses to the FA’s how much she would like to have a relationship with Phil.

On the same trip. Phil scolds his co-pilot. On the layover, he meets a flight attendant from another airline and has a drink with her. She’s a therapist there to help him. Louise appears jealous.

Phil takes an advanced course in assault tactics using knives.

Ben struggles to pass his FBI fitness test. Not the athletic type. He also barely passes his shooting accuracy test.

Midpoint Turning Point – Phil stands over the body of the same FA he had a drink with from a different airline in her hotel room, the door left ajar. Murdered the same way as Megan, repeatedly stabbed. Phil picks up, drops the murder weapon, a knife.

Phil is questioned by the police and later by FBI agent Ben – now considers Phil the prime suspect.

Phil finds out the suspect he chased after Megan’s murder was caught and released. He is angered by this.

Phil is puzzled by a similar murder so soon after Megan’s death. Finds similarities. He makes a file analyzing the two murders. Phil suspects that Agent Ben is tapping his phone, misinterpreting his answers over the phone. and his inconsistent answers to his earlier questions. Ben comes to Phil’s house. Phil slips out the back. Phil decides to do his own investigation.

Phil checks into a hotel with Louise. With her help [she secretly fetches his clothes], goes on another weekly trip with the same group of flight attendants. Phil snubs Louise’s advances – he’s not ready for another relationship. Louise is stunned, but undaunted.

While on a trip, Phil’s home is searched by Ben and his partner, Ned. They have a limited search warrant but Ned improperly finds Phil’s file. finds Phil’s file, full of details of the murders. Ben is compelled not to use it.

Plan in action – Using algorithms, Phil figures out the killer’s MO and where the next murder is likely to take place.

Phil gets chewed out by his supervisor for how he handles the search warrant.

Based on Phil’s file, Ben flies to the city that Phil has marked on the map and the hotel Phil has circled. [Is this the layover hotel or a different one.]

Act 3:
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift –
Another layover murder – it’s Phil’s therapist. The killer must be an airline person. Phil receives an anonymous message to check on her. Enters the room just after the murder.

Ben looks for Phil. Tipped off by Louise, Phil goes underground. Ben almost catches Phil on the run. Ben is out of shape. Later, Louise helps Phill elude Ben.

– Phil decides he must vindicate himself by solving the murders and clear his name. He practices his knife moves.

Flashback: An unidentified boy is abused by his father, made to dress up like a girl. Who is the boy?

Rhonda discovers evidence that implicates Phil, rats him out to Ben. Now Ben is ready to pounce.

Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict –
Shaken by the killings, Phil seeks the comfort of Louise and her friend, Tammy. Tammy is taken up with Phil talks about hooking up with him. Louise scowls.

Phil drives to the friend Tammy’s apartment. Phil shows up, sees the friend tied up. Tipped off by Rhonda, Agent Ben races to Tammy’s apartment.

Ben shoots Phil thinking he’s the killer . The masked killer stabs Ben. Phil charges, wig and mask fall off – it’s Louise aka Lewis. He is shocked but Lewis tries to explain that he loves him. “I would die for you.” Phil musters all his energy, charges Lewis . They both go over the edge. Phil lands on the lower floor balcony, hanging on for dear life. Same for Lewis – he tells Phil he killed the girls so they could be together. Phil uses a newly learned knife move, stabs Lewis’ hand, kicks him off the rail. Lewis falls to his death.

Resolution – we now see the boy forced to dress up like a girl that we thought was Phil or Ben was really Lewis. Phil visits Ben in the hospital. Ben heals, gets promoted.

Phil dines in the same restaurant as before, having a conversation with his dead wife. The waitress asks if it helps. Phil nods, says goodbye to his wife. He’s ready for a new relationship.

Ben gets promoted., rewards Phil for his bravery. Phil has learned to appreciate life. Ready for a new relationship.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Character Action Tracks!

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that character traits and journeys pave the way for their actions and story development.

Phil – loner, building rage, clever, fearless, guilt-ridden
Ben – ambitious, risk taker, something to prove. Ethical.

Louise – conflicted, lovelorn, desperate, possessive, polite.

Act 1:
Opening – Phil attends the b-day for his adopted niece, Megan, who lives down the street. Pilots Drew and Chet and Flight Attendants Rhonda, Louse and Georgia celebrate Megans’s new job as a flight attendant, a job Phil helped her get. Megan keeps hugging Phil. The flight attendants note this is kind of weird.

Phil attends to his rare coin collection, suddenly becomes deeply disturbed. Sits alone in his living room, brooding, talking to himself. (Later we find out his wound is over the death of his wife. He feels guilty because he was unable to defend her from a violent attack. He constantly relives the memory of being unable to save her.

Out for a walk on a downtown layover, Phil sees a pair of hoodlums assaulting a hooker. (Later revealed that her customer was a girl. ) Phil takes them out mercilessly. He knows martial arts and knife tactics. Leaves them both near death.

Inciting Incident – Two nights later Megan is knifed by an unknown masked attacker. [But where?] Phil finds her body, steps in her blood. Phil chases a burglar suspect in his neighborhood, loses him. [Is the suspect real or imagined? Is this retaliation for knifing the johns?]

Phil promises Megan’s mother that he will not rest until the killer is caught. He means it.

Turning Point 1: FBI agent Ben is put on the case as a chance to prove himself. He opens an investigation because Megan’s mom tells him the killer had out-of-state plates. Ben’s under the gun for failing to follow up with an important interview. He lives under the shadow of his father’s legacy, a by-the-book veteran. Ben interviews Phil. Phil is tight-lipped.

The chief pilot observes how despondent Phil is, gives him some time off.

We see Phil having an attentive conversation with someone at a cozy restaurant booth. But as we pan to the side, we see that no one’s there. The waitress looks concerned. Has Phil lost it?

Act 2

Phil goes back to work, on his regular flight route, greeted by FA’s Rhonda, Louise, and Georgia, all of whom express their sympathy and try to cheer him up on a layover. Louise expresses to the FA’s how much she would like to have a relationship with Phil.

On the same trip. Phil scolds his co-pilot. On the layover, he meets a flight attendant from another airline and has a drink with her. She’s a therapist there to help him. Louise appears jealous.

Phil takes an advanced course in assault tactics using knives.

Ben struggles to pass his FBI fitness test. Not the athletic type. He also barely passes his shooting accuracy test.

Midpoint Turning Point – Phil stands over the body of the same FA he had a drink with from a different airline in her hotel room, the door left ajar. Murdered the same way as Megan, repeatedly stabbed. Phil picks up, drops the murder weapon, a knife.

Phil is questioned by the police and later by FBI agent Ben – now considers Phil the prime suspect.

Phil finds out the suspect he chased after Megan’s murder was caught and released. He is angered by this.

Phil is puzzled by a similar murder so soon after Megan’s death. Finds similarities. He makes a file analyzing the two murders. Phil suspects that Agent Ben is tapping his phone, misinterpreting his answers over the phone. and his inconsistent answers to his earlier questions. Ben comes to Phil’s house. Phil slips out the back. Phil decides to do his own investigation.

Phil checks into a hotel with Louise. With her help [she secretly fetches his clothes], goes on another weekly trip with the same group of flight attendants. Phil snubs Louise’s advances – he’s not ready for another relationship. Louise is stunned, but undaunted.

While on a trip, Phil’s home is searched by Ben and his partner, Ned. They have a limited search warrant but Ned improperly finds Phil’s file. finds Phil’s file, full of details of the murders. Ben is compelled not to use it.

Plan in action – Using algorithms, Phil figures out the killer’s MO and where the next murder is likely to take place.

Phil gets chewed out by his supervisor for how he handles the search warrant.

Based on Phil’s file, Ben flies to the city that Phil has marked on the map and the hotel Phil has circled. [Is this the layover hotel or a different one.]

Act 3:
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift –
Another layover murder – it’s Phil’s therapist. The killer must be an airline person. Phil receives an anonymous message to check on her. Enters the room just after the murder.

Ben looks for Phil. Tipped off by Louise, Phil goes underground. Ben almost catches Phil on the run. Ben is out of shape. Later, Louise helps Phill elude Ben.

– Phil decides he must vindicate himself by solving the murders and clear his name. He practices his knife moves.

Flashback: An unidentified boy is abused by his father, made to dress up like a girl. Who is the boy?

Rhonda discovers evidence that implicates Phil, rats him out to Ben. Now Ben is ready to pounce.

Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict –
Shaken by the killings, Phil seeks the comfort of Louise and her friend, Tammy. Tammy is taken up with Phil talks about hooking up with him. Louise scowls.

Phil drives to the friend Tammy’s apartment. Phil shows up, sees the friend tied up. Tipped off by Rhonda, Agent Ben races to Tammy’s apartment.

Ben shoots Phil thinking he’s the killer . The masked killer stabs Ben. Phil charges, wig and mask fall off – it’s Louise aka Lewis. He is shocked but Lewis tries to explain that he loves him. “I would die for you.” Phil musters all his energy, charges Lewis . They both go over the edge. Phil lands on the lower floor balcony, hanging on for dear life. Same for Lewis – he tells Phil he killed the girls so they could be together. Phil uses a newly learned knife move, stabs Lewis’ hand, kicks him off the rail. Lewis falls to his death.

Resolution – we now see the boy forced to dress up like a girl that we thought was Phil or Ben was really Lewis. Phil visits Ben in the hospital. Ben heals, gets promoted.

Phil dines in the same restaurant as before, having a conversation with his dead wife. The waitress asks if it helps. Phil nods, says goodbye to his wife. He’s ready for a new relationship.

Ben gets promoted., rewards Phil for his bravery. Phil has learned to appreciate life. Ready for a new relationship.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s New Outline Beats

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that the 3 processes really work and that by observing other people and attaching dramatic significance to their actions, one can get ideas to extrapolate those actions into usable beats as logical outcomes related to plot.

Title: Air of Disturbance.

Act 1:
Opening – Phil attends the b-day for his adopted niece, Megan, who lives down the street. Pilots Drew and Chet and Flight Attendants Rhonda, Louse and Georgia celebrate Megans’s new job as a flight attendant, a job Phil helped her get.

Phil attends to his rare coin collection, suddenly becomes deeply disturbed. Sits alone in his living room, brooding, talking to himself. (Later we find out his wound is over the death of his wife. He feels guilty because he was unable to defend her from a violent attack. He constantly relives the memory of being unable to save her. )

Inciting Incident – Two nights later Megan is knifed by an unknown attacker. [But where?] Phil finds her body, steps in her blood. Phil chases a burglar suspect in his neighborhood, loses him. [Is the suspect real or imagined?] Phil promises Megan’s mother that he will not rest until the killer is caught.

Turning Point 1: FBI agent Ben opens an investigation because Megan’s mom believes the killer traveled across state lines. Ben interviews Phil.

The chief pilot observes how despondent Phil is, gives him some time off.

We see Phil having an attentive conversation with someone at a cozy restaurant booth. But as we pan to the side, we see that no one’s there. The waitress looks concerned. Has Phil lost it?

Act 2

Phil goes back to work, on his regular flight route, greeted by FA’s Rhonda, Louise, and Georgia, all of whom express their sympathy and try to cheer him up on a layover. Phil meets a flight attendant from another airline and has a drink with her. Louise appears jealous.

Phil takes a course in assault tactics using knives.

Midpoint Turning Point – Phil stands over the body of the same FA he had a drink with from a different airline in her hotel room, the door left ajar. Murdered the same way as Megan, repeatedly stabbed.

Phil is questioned by the police and later by FBI agent Ben – now considers Phil the prime suspect.

Phil finds out the suspect he chased was caught and released.

Phil puzzled by a similar murder so soon after Megan’s death. He makes a file analyzing the two murders. Phil suspects that Agent Ben is tapping his phone, misinterpreting his conversations and his answers to his questions. Ben comes to Phil’s house. Phil slips out the back.

Phil checks into a hotel with Louise. With her help [she secretly fetches his clothes], goes on another weekly trip with the same group of flight attendants.

While on a trip, Phil’s home is searched by Ben – he finds Phil’s file, full of details of the murders.

Plan in action – Phil figures out the killers’s MO and where the next murder is likely to take place. Based on Phil’s file, Ben flies to the city that Phil has marked on the map and the hotel Phil has circled. [Is this the layover hotel or a different one.]

Act 3:
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift –
Another layover murder – the killer must be an airline person. Phil enters the room just after the murder.

Ben looks for Phil. Tipped off by Louise, Phil goes underground. Ben almost catches Phil on the run. Louise helps him ellude Ben.

– Phil decides he must vindicate himself by solving the murders and clear his name.

Flashback: An unidentified boy is abused by his father, made to dress up like a girl. Who is the boy?

Rhonda discovers evidence that implicates Phil, rats him out to Ben.

Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict –
Shaken by the killings, Phil seeks the comfort of Louise and her friend, Tammy. Phil drives to the friend Tammy’s apartment. Phil shows up, sees the friend tied up. Tipped off by Rhonda, Agent Ben races to Tammy’s apartment. Ben shoots Phil thinking he’s the killer . The masked killer stabs Ben. Phil charges, wig and mask fall off – it’s Louise aka Lewis. Phil musters all his energy, charges Lewis . They both go over the edge. Phil lands on the lower floor balcony, hanging on for dear life. Same for Lewis – he tells Phil he killed the girls so they could be together. Phil kicks Lewis’ hand – he falls to his death.

Resolution – we now see the boy forced to dress up like a girl that we thought was Phil or Ben was really Lewis. Phil visits Ben in the hospital. Ben heals, gets promoted.

Phil dines in the same restaurant as before, having a conversation with his dead wife. The waitress asks if it helps. Phil nods, says goodbye to his wife. He’s ready for a new relationship.

Phil rewarded for his bravery. He has learned to appreciate life.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Beat Sheet Draft 1

Vision: to become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the place.

What I learned doing this assignment is that a beat sheet can grow extensive but can be solved like a puzzle plugging in the easy ones first.

Act 1:
Opening – Phil attends the b-day for his adopted niece, Megan, who lives down the street. Pilots and Flight Attendants celebrate her new job as a flight attendant, a job Phil helped her get.

Turning Point 1: Phil interviewed by FBI agent Ben who considers Phil a suspect.

Act 2

Phil goes back to work, on his regular route, greeted by FA’s Rhonda, Louise, and Georgia, all of whom express their sympathy and try to cheer him up on a layover. Phil meets a flight attendant from another airline and has a drink with her.

Midpoint Turning Point – Phil discovers the body of the FA from a different airline in her hotel room, the door left ajar. Murdered the same way as Megan,.

Phil -is questioned by the police and later by FBI agent Ben.

Phil finds out the suspect he chased was caught and released.
Phil puzzled by a similar murder so soon after Megan’s death. He makes a file analyzing the two murders. Phil suspects that Agent Ben is tapping his phone, misinterpreting his conversations. Ben comes to Phil’s house. Phil slips out the back

While on a trip, Phil’s home is searched by Ben – he finds Phil’s file.

Phil checks into a hotel room and with Louise’s help, goes on another weekly trip with the same group of flight attendants.
Plan in action – Phil figures out the killers’s MO and where the next murder is likely to take place.

Act 3:
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift –
Another layover murder – the killer must be an airline person. Phil arrives too late.

Ben looks for Phil. Tipped off by Louise, Phil goes underground. Ben almost catches Phil on the run. Louise helps him ellude Ben.

Inciting Incident – Two nights later, we see Megan knifed by an unknown attacker. She’s found murdered. Phil promises Megan’s mother that he will not rest until the killer is caught. Phil chases a burglar suspect in his neighborhood, loses him.

– Phil decides he must vindicate himself by solving the murders and clear his name.

Flashback: An unidentified boy is abused by his father, made to dress up like a girl. Who is the boy?

Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict –
Shaken by the killings, he seeks the comfort of Louise and her friend. Phil drives to the friends apartment. Phil shows up, sees the friend tied up. Tipped off by Rhonda. Ben goes to the friend’s apartment. Thinking he’s the killer, Ben shoots Phil. The masked killer stabs Ben. Phil charges, wig and mask fall off – it’s Louise aka Lewis. Phil musters all his energy, charges Lewis . They both go over the edge. Phil lands on the lower floor balcony, hanging on for dear life. Same for Lewis – he tells Phil he killed the girls so they could be together. Phil kicks Lewis’ hand – he falls to his death.

Resolution – we now see the boy forced to dress up like a girl that we thought was Phil or Ben was really Lewis. Phil visits Ben in the hospital. Ben heals, gets promoted. Phil regarded as a hero, learns to appreciate life. Ready for a new relationship.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Deeper Layer
Vision: to become a reliable box office success around the world.

What I learned doing this assignment is that logical story elements pop up when adding layers.

Surface Layer: Phil is suspected of being a serial killer.
Deeper Layer: His friend, Louise, has a crush on Phil, follows him everywhere.
Major Reveal: Louise, aka Louis, is the serial killer.
Influences Surface Story: Louise is Phil’s best friend at work and a shoulder to cry on. Phil just wants to be friends.
Hints: Louise knows things about the murder, frequently ends up on the same trip as Phil same as the killer, gets a little too intimate.
Changes Reality: Phil must stop the killer from killing again – runs into Louise attempting (another) murder. Louise shoots Agent Ben.

Beginning: Phil deals with the loss of Amber several months after she is viciously murdered. FB: An unidentified boy is abused by his father.
Inciting Incident: Another young girl is murdered, same MO, in Phil’s layover city. He commits to finding the serial killer.

Turning Point 1: Agent Ben suspects Phil
Act 2: Another murder, Phil goes on the run, warned by Louise, pursued by Ben.
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Phil figures out where and when the next murder will take place. Act 3: Phil heads to the hotel, sees Louise who offers to help.
Turning Point 3: Ben is hot on the trail to arrest Phil. Phil barely escapes.
Act 4 Climax: Louise shoots Ben, the victim escapes, Phil struggles with the killer – Louise revealed as Louis. Phil kills Louise.
Resolution – we now see the boy forced to dress up like a girl that we thought was Phil or Ben was really Lewis. Ben heals, gets promoted. Phil regarded as a hero, learns to appreciate life. Ready for a new relationship.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Character Structure Vision: To become a reliable box office success and entertain audiences all over the world. What I learned by doing this assignment is that by mapping out the basics of a logical series of events, a storyline emerges.  

CAPT PHIL CONNERS’S CHARACTER JOURNEY STRUCTURE •	

Beginning: distraught over the murder of the neighbor’s daughter, Amber. •	Inciting Incident: Phil decides to track down the itinerant killer. •	Turning Point 1: Ben suspects Phil, follows him to a city. •	Act 2: Another murder and Phil is nearby – he must be the killer! •	Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Phil goes into hiding, alludes Ben •	Act 3: Phil is close to solving the murders and ID the serial killer. •	Turning Point 3: Phil and Ben race to the scene of the next victim. •	Act 4 Climax: Louise shoots Ben, tries to win over Phil – he kills her. •	Resolution: Phil is exonerated, a hero.    

AGENT BEN CHARACTER JOURNEY STRUCTURE  •	Beginning: Ben takes a short cut to nail a felon. •	Inciting Incident: Another murder victim and Ben is put on the case – find the traveling serial killer. •	Turning Point 1: Another victim - evidence leads him to Phil. •	Act 2: Ben pursues Phil. •	Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Ben almost catches the killer. •	Act 3: Ben tries to arrest Phil who’s on the run. •	Turning Point 3: Ben figures out the killer’s MO, races to the scene. •	Act 4 Climax: Ben sees Phil, but is shot by Louise. •	Resolution: Ben recovers, is promoted.  

LOUISE CHARACTER JOURNEY STRUCTURE  •	Beginning: Endures an abusive childhood •	Inciting Incident: Father makes him dress up like a girl. •	Turning Point 1: Louis becomes a girl, Louise. •	Act 2: Louise gets hired as a female flight attendant. •	Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Meets, falls for Phil. •	Act 3: Becomes insanely jealous of Amber. •	Turning Point 3: Kills Amber. •	Act 4 Climax: Tries to kill Ben, dies by Phil’s hand. •	Resolution: She’s remembered as a boy.<i style="font-weight: bold;">

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Character Profiles Part 1 <div>
</div><div>Vision: I would like to become an industry new face known for reliable box office successes and concepts that entertain audiences the world over. </div><div>
</div><div> What I learned doing this assignment is that expanding traits creates new insights aplenty. </div><div>
</div><div> Phil Conner • </div><div>A. The High Concept – Phil must overcome his trauma over the murder of his niece Lisa and find the serial killer responsible and clear his name before FBI agent Ben finds him
</div><div> • B. This character’s journey. From loner to proactive killer hunter. </div><div>• C. The Actor Attractors for this character. </div><div>Role in the Story: suspicious suspect to hero and savior </div><div>Age range and Description: 40s, lean and adroit </div><div>Core Traits: patient, clever, wounded, non-compliant </div><div>Motivation; clear his name</div><div>Want/Need: wants to find the killer, needs to get over his loss </div><div>Wound: guilt over the death of Lisa • </div><div>Likability: Phil genuinely cares about Louise and Lorie, grieves over Lorie’s murder. </div><div>• Relatability: father figure to Lorie and true friend to Louise, helps his passengers. </div><div> • Empathy: we know he’s innocent and so we root for him. </div><div>
</div><div> Ben Derringer </div><div>• A. The High Concept. </div><div>An up and coming green FBI agent tracks a serial killer. </div><div>• B. This character’s journey. From all mach, no vector to wiser </div><div>• C. The Actor Attractors for this character. Swagger, handsome, pursuer. </div><div>Role in the Story: Age range and Description: 30’s Core </div><div>Traits: go-getter, proud, presumptuious </div><div>Motivation; career advancement</div><div>Want/Need: wants to catch Phil in the act, needs to get praise </div><div>Wound: under the shadow of his father’s legacy </div><div>• Likability: good sense of humor, good investigative skill, takes his job seriously </div><div>• Relatability: ladies’ man, gets along with everyone, good natured. </div><div>• Empathy: root for him to trap Phil (until we see Phil is innocent) </div><div>• Intrigue: must outdo his father to be worthy so he breaks the rules. </div><div>
</div><div> Louise Hatcher </div><div>• A. The High Concept. She wants to pass through life fed by the need to kill. </div><div>• B. This character’s journey. From psycho to dead psycho </div><div> • C. The Actor Attractors for this character. </div><div>Role in the Story: the real antagonist. </div><div>Age range and Description: 30s </div><div>Core Traits: charming, chameleon, relentless </div><div>Motivation; satisfy her killing urges</div><div>Want/Need: kill to assuage her rage </div><div>Wound: past jiltings • </div><div>Likability: tries to be friendly but is often rebuffed by co-workers. </div><div>• Relatability: friendly to passengers, animals. </div><div>• Empathy: we hate to see her dissed as does Phil. </div><div>• Intrigue – the rage in building up, released as horrific stabbings.
</div>

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Likability/Relatability/Empathy <div>

<div>Vision: I would like to become an industry new face known for reliable box office successes and concepts that entertain audiences the world over. </div><div> What I learned doing this assignment is that all characters have and need a few desirable traits to make them more interesting and multi-dimensional. </div><div>
</div><div>Phil Conner •
</div><div>Likability: Phil genuinely cares about Louise and Lorie, grieves over Lorie’s murder. •</div><div> Relatability: father figure to Lorie and true friend to Louise, helps his passengers. • </div><div>Empathy: we know he’s innocent and so we root for him. • </div><div>Intrigue: He must solve the murder by any means necessary before he’s found and arrested.</div><div>
</div><div> Ben Derringer </div><div>• Likability: good sense of humor, good investigative skill, takes his job seriously • </div><div>Relatability: ladies’ man, gets along with everyone, good natured. • </div><div>Empathy: root for him to trap Phil (until we see Phil is innocent) • </div><div>Intrigue: must outdo his father to be worthy so he breaks the rules.</div><div>
</div><div>Louise </div><div>• Likability: tries to be friendly but is often rebuffed by co-workers. </div><div>• Relatability: friendly to passengers, animals. </div><div>• Empathy: we hate to see her dissed as does Phil. </div><div>• Intrigue – the rage in building up, released as horrific stabbings.
</div></div>

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Character Intrigue <div>Vision: I would like to become an industry new face known for reliable box office successes and concepts that entertain audiences the world over. </div><div> What I learned doing this assignment is that the dynamics of character traits makes for a lot of clashes and subtext plays. • </div>

<div>Character Name: Phil Conner • </div><div>Role: protagonist • </div><div>Hidden agendas: Deceive and allude Agent Derringer • </div><div>Competition: Discover who the killer is before Derringer does. • </div><div>Conspiracies: Lie his way out of being a suspect • </div><div>Secrets: Finds murder clues, begins to suspect crew members • </div><div>Deception: lies to Derringer about his whereabouts • </div><div>Unspoken Wound: guilty over his failed marriage and Lorie’s murder – he should have prevented it somehow. • </div><div>Secret Identity: pretends to respond positively to Louise’s advances in order to get closer to possible suspects. • </div>

<div>Character Name: Ben Derringer • </div><div>Role: Antagonist • </div><div>Hidden agendas: Wants to use the serial murder case to make a name for himself. • Competition: wants to nail Phil by catching him in the act of murdering his next victim. • Conspiracies: takes short cuts with the case – taps Phil’s phone and searches his apartment. • Secrets: resents his father’s lack of faith in him. • </div><div>Deception: Lies to his supervisor about his progress on the case. • </div><div>Unspoken Wound: smothered by his father’s legacy • </div><div>Secret Identity: rogue agent – justifies breaking the rules and ethics of investigation, convinces himself his hunches are correct • </div>

<div>Character Name: Louise • </div><div>Role: hidden antagonist • </div><div>Hidden agendas: lure Phil into a relationship, really likes him – he’s the only one who respects her and is kind to her. • </div><div>Competition: must also outfox FBI agent who’s getting too close to solving the case • Conspiracies: must fool everyone, especially Phil. • </div><div>Secrets: everyone is fooled by her disguise • </div><div>Deception: she’s a he. • </div><div>Unspoken Wound: hides the wounds of deep sexual abuse and identity dysphoria. • </div><div>Secret Identity: the killer
</div>

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Subtext Characters<div> <div>Vision: I would like to become an industry new face known for reliable box office successes and concepts that entertain audiences the world over. </div><div> What I learned doing this assignment is that by considering many possibilities, new angles and storylines appear. </div><div> </div><div>Movie Title: DIVERSION • </div><div>Character Name: Capt Phil Conner • </div><div>Subtext Identity: cheater, seducer, guilt over a broken marriage, past relationship • </div><div>Subtext Trait: secretive, seducer • </div><div>
</div><div>Subtext Logline: cheated on his wife, then abandoned his girlfriend, got caught and is now pursued by flight attendant Louise, lies to FBI • </div><div>Possible Areas of Subtext: Phil lost his wife over an affair discovered by his wife’s sister. Phil made things worse by denying it, until he was presented with photos. To make things right, Phil jilted his girlfriend flight attendant Tina, which caused her to attempt suicide. More guilt, embarrassment. Had to admit to his neighbor – his adopted niece -who’s then murdered. Against the backdrop of a serial killer on the loose, Phil is tempted by Flight Attendant Louise. Has he learned his lesson? Will he give in to her advances? When interviewed by FBI agent Derringer, he lies • </div><div>
</div><div>Character Name: FBI agent Ben Derringer • </div><div>Subtext Identity: lives in his father’s shadow • </div><div>Subtext Trait: resentful, • </div><div>Subtext Logline: Has to prove himself to earn his father’s praise and overcome his shadow • Possible Areas of Subtext: overbearing, tries too hard, impatient, jumps to conclusions, taked too many shortcuts. Has he pursued an innocent man (Phil)? He illegally taps his phone.
</div></div>

[John Trimbach]

Still unable to post by cutting and pasting – annoying! Seeing red over this!

John T’s Actor Attractors!

Vision: I would like to become an industry new face known for reliable box office successes and concepts that entertain audiences the world over.

What I learned doing this assignment is that opening the door to any number of possibilities introduces interesting dynamics.

Lead Character Name: Capt. Phil Conner Role: Protagonist

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it? Phil must come out of his shell, fight 2 with 1 hand tied behind his back to save the next victim and clear his name before Agent Derringer catches up to him.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story? He must call on all his brain power while everyone is hunting for him.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script? Alluding the FBI, solving the murders, must use his cleverness to survive.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor? He’s close to the murder scene and immediately becomes a suspect. We don’t know if he’s guilty or innocent.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range From sullen and withdrawn to alive and ready to start a new life.

6. What subtext can the actor play? He must use trickery to evade the law. He figures out who the killer is and must play along with him in order to capture him.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have? With the killer/friend.

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented? He’s all by-the-book until he must toss the book and go with his instincts and intuition in what becomes a life altering philosophy.

9. What could make this character special and unique? He was very close to the first victim, his adopted niece. She was the only one he could be open and honest with.

Lead Character Name: FBI agent Ben Derringer Role: Antagonist

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it? A young and daring, yet circumspect new agent out to make a name for himself and live up to his father’s legacy,.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story? He’s resourceful and pragmatic beyond his years. Inherited his father’s bloodhound instincts.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script? He’s the first to suspect Phil and the first to have second thoughts. He saves Phil’s life but then Phil must save his.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor? He foils a bank robbery.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range A little cocky and swaggering to wiser and more professional.

6. What subtext can the actor play? He has his father’s gift of being able to tell when someone is telling the truth or is a good liar.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have? With his number one suspect, Phil.

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented? He laughs off all the jokes about his father but finds a way to get even using his gifts of reverse logic.

9. What could make this character special and unique? He is top in his class but has one major screwup on his resume – he convicted an innocent man and let a guilty criminal go free.

[John Trimbach]

<div>Note: unable to post by copy and paste from a Word document. Only workaround is to click on Aa and then the link symbol which opens a small window. Pasting to that window results in this red unchangeable text. Never had this problem before. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.</div>

Vision: to become an industry new face known for reliable box office and concepts that intrigue and entertain audiences the world over. <div>
</div><div> John T’s Actor attractors for Wind River </div><div>
</div><div>What I learned from doing this assignment is that studying a movie for actor attractors reveals missed clues that lure top actors. </div><div>
</div><div>Movie Title: Wind River Lead </div><div>Character Name: Game Warden Corey Lambert </div><div>1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? Vulnerable yet strong, faithful to a creed of justice that brings him outside the norm. Every scene and most dialogue with subtext. A man thrust into a world of hunting humans instead of animals. His wound is opened yet again, reliving the death of his daughter Emily. Hero story where he apprehends and metes out justice – helps heal a wound he himself suffered. </div><div> 2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? Reveals his true character through his actions, man of few words knows what he must do. Inner wound drives him to do things he wouldn’t normally do. </div><div> 3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? White lawman showing his allegiance to an Indian cry for justice by taking the law into his own hands – with plenty of warning. </div><div> 4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? Family man with a troubled history who inhabits a troubled world and yet still makes a difference. </div><div> 5. What is this character’s emotional range? From stoic to self-effacing to vengeful. Relives his pain of losing his own daughter (revealed through subtext at first) so we sympathize with him </div><div> 6. What subtext can the actor play? He’s planning on achieving justice for the victim, justice he failed to achieve for his own daughter. Along the way, he relives the pain as the story builds to a foreshadowed but still jarring conclusion. </div><div> 7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? Primarily with Agent Banner. From two different worlds yet share the same values that propel both of them to seek justice the Indian way. He praises her natural instincts of survival, something he highly prizes on the reservation. There’s a spark of romance behind his visit in the hospital where she recovers. </div><div> 8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? “She died like Emily.” Plain spoken in the local vernacular; succinct yet heavy with intent. </div><div> 9. What makes this character special and unique? Lives in both a white man’s world and a Native world </div><div> 10 (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.) When Corey talks to the Indian father, he bridges the void between white and native – both men lost daughters to the lawlessness of reservation life. Corey advises his friend that he must endure the pain or rislck forgetting the memories of their daughters. </div><div>
</div><div> Lead Character Name: FBI agent Jane Banner </div><div> 1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? Alone, thrust into a foreign environment, fish out of water, not appreciated. Mocked and ridiculed yet she got the job done. 2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? Female FBI agent thrust into an unfamiliar environment and in immediate danger. Assaulted with bug spray, shot, almost dies but comes out on top. </div><div> 3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? She’s the chief murder investigator who must think outside the box and recruit the tracker to pursue the criminals. Not afraid\ to venture into a foreign world – rides the snow sled to the clues, and diffuses the initial gun fight by taking over as the lead authority. </div><div> 4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? Pivotal role who forges ahead to solve the murder despite native animosity and resentment. We feel for her unwelcome welcome. </div><div> 5. What is this character’s emotional range? From sympathetic to brave to undeterred. She wanted Justice for Emily as much as Corey. </div><div> 6. What subtext can the actor play? She implies that she’s okay about breaking the rules when outside her world. </div><div> 7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? She forms a bond with Corey – understands that there are different rules on the res. Interesting dynamic with the victim’s parents – not appreciated. </div><div> 8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? Professional with a woman’s touch, appropriately sly and a bit sarcastic. </div><div> 9. What makes this character special and unique? Her bravery and resilience.</div><div> 10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.) After diffusing a deadly gunfight, she herself gets shot, survives and gives Corey the go ahead to pursue the guilty and met out Indian justice.
</div>

[John Trimbach]

<div>Note: not sure why this is coming out in red when I copy and paste from a Word document – does not respond to color editing in the forum – can anyone sort this out? Much appreciated.</div>

<div>John T’s Genre Conventions
</div><div><div>
</div><div>Vision: to become an industry new face known for reliable box office and concepts that intrigue and entertain audiences the world over. </div><div>
</div><div>What I learned doing this assignment is that places and events can act as placeholders for even better action and suspense scenes as long as you keep an open mind regarding twists and turns. </div><div>
</div><div>Title: DIVERSION </div><div>Concept: An airline captain is pursued by a FBI agent who suspects the pilot is a serial killer who leaves his victims all over the country. </div><div>Genre: Thriller </div><div>
</div><div>CONVENTIONS OF THRILLERS </div><div>PURPOSE: To thrill your audience with high stakes, plot twists, and suspense that never lets up until the adrenalin packed climax. </div><div>LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS. They face danger at every step — either physically, emotionally, or mentally. The hero needs to either be in danger or there is the implication of future danger. MYSTERY/INTRIGUE/SUSPENSE: There’s a mystery that must be solved in order to survive. Intrigue is the underhanded and covert Villain’s plan. Suspense comes from the danger the Hero faces. </div><div>HERO: Unknowing, unwitting, but resourceful hero </div><div>VILLAIN: Dangerous, devious, and unrelenting. Committed to destroy anyone who gets in their way. </div><div>MAIN EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, anticipation, uncertainty, and surprise </div><div>
</div><div>Act 1: </div><div>Opening – Phil attends the b-day for his adopted niece, Lorie, who lives down the street. They also celebrate her new job as a flight attendant, a job Phil helped her get. </div><div>
</div><div>Inciting Incident – Lorie viciously murdered on a layover. Phil discovers the body. Seen leaving the scene, agent suspects him. </div><div>
</div><div>Phil promises Lorie’s mother that he will not rest until the killer is caught. </div><div>Phil chases a burglar suspect in his neighborhood, loses him. </div><div>
</div><div>Turning Point – we see that Phil is innocent -becomes depressed and withdrawn, more so when FBI agent Ben, young and ambitious, treats him like a suspect. </div><div>
</div><div>Act 2: </div><div>
</div><div>Phil comes back to work, greeted by FA’s Rhonda, Louise, and Georgia, all of whom express their sympathy and try to cheer him up. Phil sees this threesome at the layover hotel bar. A young man makes a pass at the women, rebuffed. Louise makes a pass at Phi to cheer him up, he laughs it off. </div><div>
</div><div>Phil discovers that Agent Ben is tapping his phone, misinterpreting his conversation, and tailing him. Loses him during a chase scene – barely escapes. </div><div>
</div>

Phil -discovers the body of a FA from a different airline in her hotel room, the door left ajar. -is interrogated by the police. -is questioned by the police again and by Agent Ben – they find his story doubtful. Phil tells them to buzz off. -finds out the suspect he chased was caught and released.

<div>Midpoint Turning Point -is being pursued by Agent Ben after he raided his house and found all sorts of crime maps and drawings on his wall. Hunter becomes the hunted.
</div>

New plan – Phil decides he must vindicate himself. -decides he must quickly solve the serial murders to clear his name.

Plan in action – Phil consults his elaborate map of cities, clues. – discovers a predictable pattern and MO to the murders.

<div>
</div><div>Act 3: • </div><div>Rethink everything – Phil must go underground.</div><div>
</div><div>New plan – Phil must solve the murders himself before Agent Ben catches up to him. </div><div>Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – After yet another murder, Phil figures the killer must be an airline person. </div>

FBI hot on the trail.

<div>
</div><div>Act 4: </div><div>
</div><div>Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – Phil heads to anticipated murder scene, Lewis ties up FBI agent, stabs him – Phil saves him, Lewis falls to his death. Phil bids a last-minute trip to Milwaukee to elude Ben and, to test his theory, diverts to Chicago, ostensibly for weather and fuel, but really to possibly prevent the next murder. Rhonda and Georgia happen to be on the trip, They are aware he is wanted by the FBI and rat him out. Phil doesn’t know that Agent Ben is flying to Chicago to arrest him. Phil rushes to the hotel to test his thesis, bumps into Louise in the hotel hallway. She’s wearing black gloves, quickly takes them off. Phil asks what she’s doing there. She asks him the same question. Phil is lured to her hotel room, suspects that Louise is somehow involved in the murders. He sees the next victim tied up. Phil and Louise are surprised by Agent Ben who assumes that Phil is about to kill Louise and the girl tied up. He shoots and wounds Phil. Louise runs to Ben, hugs him and stabs him repeatedly. Louise is really Lewis. The girl screams through her gag. Phil can only watch as Lewis begins to carve up Ben on the balcony as the girl watches. Phil musters all his energy, charges and pushes Lewis over the edge. Phil lands on the lower floor balcony, hanging on for dear life. Same for Lewis who brags about killing Leslie. Phil grabs a BBQ poker, slaps Lewis’ hand – he falls to his death. Phil visits Ben in the hospital </div><div>
</div><div>Resolution – Phil is a hero, new life.</div></div>

[John Trimbach]

John T’s 4 Act Transformational Structure<div>

<div> VISION – o become an industry new face known for reliable box office and concepts that intrigue and entertain audiences the world over. What I learned doing this assignment is that as a story takes shape, new possibilities surface. </div><div> </div><div>Concept – Phil, an airline captain, is pursued by Scott, an FBI agent who suspects that Phil is a serial killer who kills on layovers.. Main Conflict – When Phil discovers that Scott suspects him, he manages to slip away just before another young woman is murdered.</div><div>
</div><div> Protagonist: Captain Phil Conner </div><div> Old Ways: lets no one in, ignorant of other’s motivations, ignores the rules, close-minded to other possibilities, doesn’t trust law enforcement. </div><div> New Ways: open to other points of view, approachable, open to new relationships, crime consultant, lifesaver, absolved and vindicated. </div><div>
</div><div> Arc Beginning: distraught, obsessed, unsettled loner </div><div> Arc Ending: hero, crime solver, ready for a new relationship Internal Journey: from guilt-ridden, impatient to grounded and happy and fulfilled. External Journey: from a suspected serial killer to hero </div>

<div> Act 1: </div><div>Opening – A young woman is murdered by someone she knows but we don’t see the killer. Inciting Incident – Phil is seen leaving the scene, Scott investigates, suspects Phil. Turning Point – we see that Phil is innocent. Or is he? He can’t be in two places at once, can he? Phil seeks the counsel and support of flight attendant, Louise. </div><div>
</div><div> Act 2: </div><div>New plan – Phil decides the only way to vindicate himself is by finding the real killer. Plan in action – Phil constructs an elaborate map of cities, clues, tracking the real serial killer. </div><div>Midpoint Turning Point – Phil catches Scott tailing him just after another murder. Phil eludes him, barely. </div><div>
</div><div> Act 3: Rethink everything – Scott discovers Phil’s map of the murders. Louise warns Phil. He is now a wanted man, must go underground. </div><div>New plan – Phil discovers an MO pattern to the killings, heads to the next murder scene to stop it and prove his innocence. </div><div>Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – Phil arrives too late, yet another murder. Phil figures it must be an airline person. But who? </div><div>
</div><div> Act 4: Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – Phil figures out where the next murder will happen, heads to the scene. Scott catches up to him. Louise, really Lewis, stabs Scott. Phil saves him, Lewis falls to his death. </div><div>Resolution – Phil is a hero with a new lease on life.
</div></div>

[John Trimbach]

Hi, John Trimbach here, great to avail this motivational short course to get my outlines off the launching pad – a great repeatable roadmap following the pro and master series. Late to the show after sign-in issues but I’ll try to catch up. Cheers

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Subtext Plot

Vision: to become an industry new face known for reliable box office and concepts that intrigue and entertain audiences the world over.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that subtext can take many forms.

Scheme and Investigation – FBI agent Derringer pursues his prime suspect, Capt Conner, all over the country but Connor stays one step ahead of Derringer. That is because Conner pursues the real serial killer, who manages to elude Conner, slipping away moments after the crime. Conner figures out the killer’s pattern with the help of flight attendant Louise. Because Conner is always near the crime scene, Agent Derringer connects him with the crime.

Layering – We catch nondescript glimpses of the real killer luring victims, same MO, and following a pre-determined list chosen for their similar looks and first names. In the end, Louise is revealed as the killer.

Someone Hides Who They Are – Louise is actually Lewis, a man who disguises himself as a woman to disarm his victims and who kills women who look like his high school sweetheart.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Transformational Journey

Vision: to become an industry new face known for reliable box office successes and concepts that intrigue and entertain audiences the world over.

What I learned doing this assignment is that it takes some thought to come up with a character profile most compelling and one that best fits the concept – more will come.

Protagonist: Captain Phil Conner

Arc Beginning: distraught, obsessed, unsettled loner

Arc Ending: hero, crime solver, ready for a new relationship

Internal Journey: from guilt-ridden, impatient to grounded and happy and fulfilled.

External Journey: from a suspected serial killer to hero

Old Ways: lets no one in, ignorant of other’s motivations, ignores the rules, close-minded to other possibilities, doesn’t trust law enforcement

New Ways: open to other points of view, approachable, open to new relationships, crime consultant, lifesaver, absolved and vindicated.

<b style=”background-color: rgb(227, 230, 234); letter-spacing: -0.24px; font-family: inherit;” class=””>

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Intentional Characters

I would like to become an industry new face known for reliable box office with concepts that intrigue and entertain.

Title: Diversion

Concept: An FBI agent tracks an airline pilot suspected of killing young women in cities across America only to discover that they are both being tracked by the real killer.

Character Structure: Pro. vs Ang.

Character: Phil Conner, Pro.

logline: Loner airline captain whose marriage broke up over the unsolved murder of his adopted daughter searches for meaning, finds it in the form of new clues.

Unique: Uses clues to track a mysterious itinerant serial killer possibly linked to his daughter’s murder, tracks him in layover cities.

Character: Agent Alex Derringer, Ant.

Logline: Ambitious FBI agent who stumbles onto the same new clues but uses them to implicate Capt Conner – chases him all over the country.

Unique: Alex hates flying, hates airlines. Would love to nail Conners, get promoted. Considers himself a lady’s man.

Character: Flight Attendant Louise Jones, triangle character

Logline: Lovelorn, attractive, offers to help Phil

Unique: Goes through life hiding her true sexuality.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Title, Concept, and Character Structure!

Vision: I would like to become an industry new face known for reliable box office successes and concepts that intrigue and delight audiences the world over.

What I learned doing this assignment is that gut instinct comes in handy when deciding on a concept but that an outline affords flexibility if things change.

Title: Diversion

Concept: An FBI agent tracks an airline pilot suspected of killing young women in cities across America only to discover that he’s being tracked by the real killer.

Character Structure: Protagonist vs Antagonist.

[John Trimbach]

I’m very much looking forward to this class as the ultimate professional screenwriting path to success. As a recent alumnus of the Pro and Master series which guided me through writing The Six Billion Dollar Boy and Mountain Justice, I’ve already benefited from that experience – based on those two scripts, I was recently hired by a production company as their chief writer after connecting through Linked In. So after this class, I’ll have four marketable scripts to launch a new career. Thanks to Hal for his tireless efforts to teach us the easy way, the right way, and really the only way in this current environment. Now, if only I can remember which hand holds which globe…

See you in class!

[John Trimbach]

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of Writing Incredible Movies, I, John M. Trimbach, agree to the terms of this release form as follows:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, through social media, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, videos, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[John Trimbach]

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Act 2 TP – Midpoint

What I learned doing this assignment is that a good MD PT TP sets up the entire third act.

EXT. SCHOONER – NIGHT

Howling winds toss the schooner like a ragdoll.

CAPTAIN

We gotta head back.

CLARE

No, please.

The Captain rounds the wheel.

CAPTAIN

Even for a king’s ransom, I can’t. See those waves? They’re only gettin bigger. Lucky if we make to shore in one piece.

EXT. DISCOVER ISLAND SHORELINE – NIGHT

Huge waves crash across the rocks. Along the beach tide rises up to the lounge chairs which start floating away. Wind howls through the palm trees and anything loose flies off- towels, flags, potted plants, beach chairs.

EXT. DISCOVER ISLAND DOCK – NIGHT

Claire and the boat captain barely make it back to shore late at night. They are both soaked.

CLARE

Well, thanks for trying.

The Captain salutes her and ties up the boat as best he can.

CAPTAIN

GET INSIDE. LOTS OF LIGHTNING!

INT. DISCOVERY CONTROL CENTER – NIGHT

Dr. Richter and Dr. Forrester stand like roosters opposite each other with the control station between them.

DR. RICHTER

This will pass by morning. We must honor the protocol.

DR. FORESTER

Screw the protocol. We must follow safety standards. Shut it down!

DR. RICHTER

And lose the whole program? We can’t afford another lost weekend.

Dr. Forester moves to the circuit board to key in the shutdown sequence.

DR. FORESTER

Out of my way. As head of operations, I hereby order the system deactivated in the name of safety.

DR. RICHTER

What do you know of safety. Get away from that panel.

While his back is turned, Dr. Richter grabs a wooden pole and whacks Forrester on the side of his head. Bleeding but still conscious, Forester grabs Richter by the shoulders. The much more powerful Richter grabs Forester as well and hurls him against the control board

Midpoint turning point: Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes the main computer building and takes out the main frame computer. Sparks fly all around Forester and he is instantly engulfed in flames. He falls to the ground, dead.

All the circuits go dead. All the clones go dark. Emergency lights come on.

INT. CLARE’S ROOM – NIGHT

The power goes out in Claire’s room.

CLARE

Oh, great. Well, so tired it doesn’t matter.

INT. DISCOVERY CONTROL CENTER – NIGHT

Showing no emotion, Dr. Richter drags Forester’s body into a utility closet and closes the door. He turns to the main power supply, shuts it off and connects the back-up generator. Some of the panel lights come back on. Richter loads a new program, flips a switch labeled BYPASS. He moves a lever labeled AUX and reactivates the system.

He throws the final switch… and all the clones light up – but with red eyes. Dr Richter smiles an awful smile. He leaves the CC room and approaches the armory, looks around, unlocks the door.

INT. CLARE’S ROOM – NIGHT

DREAM SEQUENCE

Clare dreams the same dream about Uncle Henry and the dog Trixie.

INT. CLARE’S ROOM – NIGHT

Claire oversleeps and wakes up to find MIC Claire just a few inches from her face staring at her.

CLARE

Oh god, don’t do that!

MIC CLARE

Time to wake up, Clare. We have a big day ahead of us.

CLARE

Did I oversleep?

MIC CLARE

I don’t know, Clare. Maybe it was the storm.

Clare dresses quickly. They walk out onto the breakfast pavilion.

CLARE

Where is everyone?

MIC CLARE

Oh, I expect they’re out and about.

Clare notices a blood trail on the floor leading to the kitchen. She follows the trail and by the ovens, she sees the body of Chef George, mangled and bloody. Clare screams.

CLARE

Oh, God. What happened?

MIC CLARE

Maybe he burned the eggs.

Clare looks at MIC CLARE with disgust.

CLARE

I would never say that. What the fuck happened here?

MIC CLARE

For me to know and for you to find out. Now come on, Clare, let’s play a game.

Clare takes a closer look at MIC CLARE’s eyes.

Clare

Why are your eyes red?

MIC CLARE

I surely don’t know but I feel energized. Let’s take on the day!

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Act 2 Middle Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is that this part of the story can be the hardest to write, the final version of which must come later, once we know more about the ending.

Clare secretly visits the boatman to get off the island – he’s the pilot’s twin!

He says no due to the storm.

Clare begs the boatman to take her back but there’s a storm approaching, have to wait. Clare approaches the boatsman, offers to pay him.

BOATMAN

Lady, you see those clouds out there? They’re headed this way, it’s what we sailors call a shitkicker. My advice to you is to find a place below ground and hunker down with a good flashlight, a good book and some decent food. It’s gonna be a few hours for this thing to pass.

Clare offers him $1000 if he’ll leave right now.

Lady, I wouldn’t bet my life for a hundred thousand. And I hope you won’t either.

They parry, draw even, not quite willing to share enough to take the advantage.

Clare notices that he is the pilot’s twin brother. “Yeah, we have a lot of fun with that.”

EXT. TRAVEL OPERATIONS OFFICE – NIGHT

Clare dashes across a wet tarmac and a night sprinkle to the travel office. She enters.

INT. TRAVEL OPERATIONS OFFICE – NIGHT

Clare recognizes the helicopter pilot, Bob.

CLARE

Excuse me, I came in with you the other day.

BOB

Yes, ma’am.

CLARE

Well, I need to get off this island tomorrow.

BOB

No can do. Chopper’s down until I get a part for my oil pump.

CLARE

When is that arriving?

BOB

Should be here by tomorrow.

CLARE

And how is it being delivered?

BOB

By boat but it will take me awhile to take apart the engine and put it back together.

CLARE

And what about the boat?

BOB

Well, the schooner is only for deliveries. But Jim’s known to take a passenger or two.

EXT. CYBORG CHARGING ROOM – night

The cyborgs get recharged side by side. The eyes are open but nobody’s home.

Morning:

KEY SCENE 2: PROTAGONIST TAKES ON A PLAN AND EXECUTES IT using
the old ways that fail. <div>

Clare
engages her cyborg with a vengeance, daring it to raise the stakes so she can
at least win the prize money.Clare presses too much and begins to lose points
by betting more than she should. Her clone enjoys winning a little too much. It
begins to act like Clare, refusing to join in and refusing to enage.

We see other guests gain insights but several are starting to grow frustrated by always knowing what their cyborg knows. But then the games begin with an element of chance and people re-engage.

The games:

Clare tells MICCLARE that she relates better to a frog than a machine. Clare opens up a bit – talks about herself as being distrustful, detached, inquisitive, protective of animals. Clare admits she feels detached from humanity.

BAD CC is eerily cheery and full of witticisms like Clare might say if she were angry and high. Clare instructs her clone to walk behind her and be quiet.

Clare tells Jill that she can’t stand most people. I’m not most people. I’m sorry.

Clare shares an insight with Jill. Clare tells Jill she hates most people or is indifferent.

Clare makes inroads in self-reflection with Jill after they make up.

MIC CLARE pipes up.

MIC CLARE

Excuse me, but I believe we are supposed to be engaging now.

CLARE

In a minute, okay?

EXT. Garden by the pond – DAY

Rod walks with his twin.

MIC ROD is just as bitingly sarcastic and offensive as Rod, gives as good as he gets.

BY THE GARDEN

Clare and Jill come to a fork in the path.

JILL

So I’ll see you later.

CLARE

Okay.

They split up.

CLARE

Alright, follow me. I command you.

If Clare had a tail, she’d be wagging it.

They walk slowly, Clare admiring the variety of fauna and flowers.

CLARE

Okay, McGiver, let’s get to it.

Clare probes for weaknesses, wins lots of points using logic and paradoxes, asks weird questions that stump MCCLARE. Clare decides to have a little fun.

CLARE

I think I hate myself.

MIC CLARE: I don’t know what you mean.

CLARE: That’s the problem, isn’t it? You can’t relate to that so this is a waste of time. And I don’t hate myself.

MIC CLARE

So you were lying?

CLARE

I can’t say. I’m sworn to secrecy.

MC CLARE

How can that be, I am you. I know you, I know all about you.

CLARE

Oh yeah, what am I thinking now?

MC CLARE

I cannot read minds.

CLARE

Why not, if you are me?

MC CLARE

I will have to–

CLARE: Never mind. I’m glad you can’t read my mind or else you’d know I plan on pulling your plug.

MIC CLARE: If you plan on deceptively depowering me, why would you reveal such?

CLARE: For me to know and for you to find out.

MIC CLARE: I don’t understand.

CLARE: Of course you don’t – you don’t know how to play the piano either.

MCI CLARE: I do not… compute. You do not play—

CLARE: But I love football, especially tackling the quarterback.

MIC CLARE: You… like football but you… don’t like football?

CLARE: Okay, snap out of it. Let’s play a game.

MIC CLARE: Alright, I would like that.

CLARE

You like challenges right, so next time you see Rod, I want you to pretend to be me.

MIC CLARE

For what purpose.

CLARE

So I can avoid his ass. And when you’re alone with him, tell him to go fuck himself.

INT. SPECIAL MEETING ROOM – DAY

Clare sits, perfectly bored. MIC CLARE with her usual stoned smile.

A facilitator, Jean, presides over today’s problematic human/cyborg exchange.

JEAN

Clare, I hear that you’re not happy with your encounters so far.

CLARE

Well, I’m not getting this, I mean, talking to a robot.

JEAN

I understand. Is there something we can do to make it easier for you?

CLARE

No offense, McCLare, but you’re not my type.

MIC Clare is crestfallen.

JEAN

Perhaps I can help. Would you mind if I start a pathway facilitation?

CLARE

I don’t know what that is.

JEAN

It’s just a series of questions you answer to form a foundation for discovery. You can do this with or without your MIC. Do you mind if I begin?

CLARE

Go ahead.

MIC CLARE perks up in anticipation.

JEAN

Okay, I see from your profile that you enjoy animal rescue. You seem to be very good at it.

CLARE

Animals deserve better than what they get from humans.

MIC CLONE

I couldn’t agree more.

CLARE

Let’s just stick to logic and puzzles, okay?

JEAN

If that’s where you’d like to start then by all means. Some of our guests are incentivized by our points competition, the guest with the most points at the end of our discovery will receive a check for $50000 and an invitation to visit us again.

CLARE

Fifty thousand?

JEAN

Yes, can I leave you two now?

CLARE

See ya.

JEAN

Wonderful. Your next station is down by the fish market then to the archery field.

EXT. FISH MARKET – DAY

During their walk Clare draws even with her cyborg in a game of Know Thyself but Clare kicks ass on a series of math paradoxes. 1 = .99999,

Clare asks MCCLARE to get her a drink. “Get it yourself.”

EXT. ARCHERY FIELD – DAY

Clair asks for a rifle instead of a bow and arrow, The armorer obliges, instructing her on how to shoot at the target using a scoped rifle.

CLARE

Never fired a gun before.

INSERT: Clare uses her creativity to extricate herself from an AR game involving chess and archery. She soon racks up twenty-one thousand points.

INT. ROD’S ENCOUNTER ROOM – DAY

Rod has finally met his match in bravado. His twin is the same type of blowhard. Rod and his clone play tricks on each other, escalating to the point of nastiness. Rod wins 1000 points but soon loses half of them by being dishonest.

INT. LUNCH ROOM – DAY

Rod constantly embarrasses Clare in front of the group. She becomes visibly upset.

INT. ROD’S ENCOUNTER ROOM – DAY

Rod has finally met his match in bravado. His twin is the same type of blowhard.

INT. LUNCH ROOM – DAY

Rod constantly embarrasses Clare in front of the group, something that upsets her greatly

INT. GROUP ROOM – DAY

TE 6: Clare suffers a humiliating defeat after Rod tells the whole group how she freaked on her first encounter. Clare had enough and decides to leave the island.

INT. MEETING ROOM – DAY

Clare decides to ignore the mean guests and be friends with Jill who opens up to Clare much more than she did to her twin

Clare figures out that the cyborgs can only superficially engage with others not their twin.

KEY SCENE 3: NOT ONLY DOES THEIR PLAN FAIL, BUT things get worse
leading up to the MID PT TP, the storm.</div><div>

MCCLARE protects Clare.

MCCLARE imitates Clare. “Must you dress like me?” “I am you, Clare.”

MCCLARE follows her everywhere, even to the bathroom, offers to run errands, favors, bring food.

A lady hides her fear of rejection. Another confides that she is food insecure.

A man hides the fact that he cheated on his wife, outed by his clone.

Clare gets whacked by a tennis ball, MICCLARE apologizes. She’s learning.

Clare tells MICCLARE not to dress like her again. Because there’s this thing called individuality.

Clare walks with MICCLARE through the resort garden, shows her plants eg. Castor beans – ricine. And jimsom weed, toxic.. Clare asks why the poison plants? MCCLARE: to keep the predators at bay. Clare takes guns lessons. Tells MCCLARE to sit and watch.

CLARE: “I don’t know why I’m enjoying this. I hate guns.” MICCLARE asks if she would like to terminate Rod.

BAD CC is eerily cheery and full of witticisms like Clare might say if she were angry and high.

Rod is rude to Clare – MIC CLARE splashes Clare’s glass of wine in Rod’s face. Go fuck himself. Dr Forestor apologizes and promises to make an adjustment. “MIC CLARE, come with me.” She hesitates with a frown, then follows. Dr Richter take her back for a mod, explaining that a new subroutine was recently installed that enhances human qualities.

At night, the cyborgs back into recharging units like an army of I-robots.

At dinner, after insulting Clare, MCCLARE splashes wine in Rod’s face, forced to apologize

Dr. Richter takes her back for an adjustment, explaining that a new protocol was not optimized as is should have been. Dr Forestor apologizes and promises to make an adjustment. “MIC CLARE, come with me.” She hesitates with a frown, then follows. Dr Richter take her back for a mod, explaining that a new subroutine was recently installed that enhances human qualities.

At night, all the cyborgs march back to the charging center – they all back up into their stations like I-robot vacuums.

Dr Forester argues with Dr. Richter about de-accelerating the computational speed of the cyborgs.

MIC CLARE gets angry watching a fisherman chop off fish heads. She holds the man’s hand down with her left hand and raises the clever with her right. CLARE: MICCLARE, no! She starts down and stops an inch away from the man’s finger. What are you doing? I didn’t like the way he was treating the fish. God, they need to adjust you again. Is there that much inner rage in me?

Weird questions with Clare

They walk along the beach, MCCLARE talking about murdering Rod.

CLARE: detached, distrustful, animal lover (protective) inquisitive

Clare takes guns lessons. Tells MICCLARE to sit and watch.

CLARE: “I don’t know why I’m enjoying this. I hate guns.”

Middle:

Rod reveals to MIC ROD that he is extremely insecure about his masculinity and MIC ROD agrees. Rod sees himself as others see him – his clone is an ass.

Dr Forester argues with Dr. Richter about what to do about the approaching storm, and about decelerating the computational speed of the cyborgs.

</div>

[John Trimbach]

What I learned doing this assignment is that considering two opposite environments draws sharp contrast and deeper meaning.

AMERICAN MAID

To impress his new boss, a ruthless playboy coerces his maid and her kids into pretending to be his family by including them in his will but when he tries to kill her, he ends up dead and she inherits his entire fortune.

A. What is the deeper meaning of my story?

What goes around comes around. Bad karma will boomerang. Your actions dictate your future. Ill-gotten gains are fleeting. You lose that which you stole. The last shall be first.

B. What environment can deliver that deeper meaning?

An ostentatious, seedy mansion, gaudy and overdone, perched on a mountain top with lots of security cameras, all of which are easily hacked if you work there. A front gate with oversized lions perched on either side.

A mountain top estate, with steep drop-offs where the fall is fatal.

A house in a crime-ridden neighborhood, a definite step down, where her kids attend…

a poorly run public grade school with behavioral issues and horrible teachers.

A private school where the teachers are genuinely interested in helping each student, her goal.

A border crossing in a desert as a child, terrifying but with hope for a brighter future.

An erotic, Eurocentric Avant-gard but expensive office vs a mahogany traditional office.

C. How can these subtext environments act as part of the deeper meaning?

A gaudy mansion stands in stark contrast to the maid who cleans it. A struggling mother of two whose husband was murdered (unsolved). She’s left destitute because somebody drained their account and she must now take any job available.

A greedy tycoon who constantly looks for ways to manipulate and dominate at any cost. Financially rich, spiritually poor.

She has nothing – he has everything but it’s all so easily switched.

DISCOVERY ISLAND

A domineering boyfriend drags his introverted girlfriend to an island resort where guests encounter their cyborg twins in an effort to self-discover but when a storm knocks out the main computer, the cyborgs self-repair with deadly consequences.

A. What is the deeper meaning of my story?

Know thyself, the first step in a full life.

B. What environment can deliver that deeper meaning?

An island, as in no man is one.

An island vulnerable to the whims of mother nature.

An island paradise where nothing is too expensive, no amenity too great.

A five-star resort that features a computerized process of self-introspection with cyborg clones, impressive technology but doomed to fail – lacking in humanity.

A woman who sleeps on a couch in her ex-boyfriend’s apartment. She’s dependent as long as she hides inside her shell, afraid to explore the world around her.

A birdcage with a wounded bird.

An office cubicle, sterile and closed off just like she is.

A weirdly decorated shrink’s office, the site of many long sessions that aren’t working.

C. How can these subtext environments act as part of the deeper meaning?

She has made her own island, insulated from the outside so nothing can penetrate. She goes to the island reluctantly with no intention of changing but fate has other plans.

A dependent living arrangement that she prefers rather than being on her own.

She a bird in a cage, unable to move on because she doesn’t know herself.

She’s surrounded herself with anonymity leading a bland but safe environment, unaware that she is about to be challenged in every way possible, from inner secrets to basic survival, trapped on an island with nowhere to go.

AN OLD SCORE

After an aging Russian oligarch activates a dormant killer squad in America, his Seal team nemesis rigs his Leningrad basement with explosives not knowing the oligarch has his wife upstairs.

A. What is the deeper meaning of my story?

Revenge can work both ways.

B. What environment can deliver that deeper meaning?

A heavily guarded dacha in the Russian countryside, seemingly impervious to attack.

An American neighborhood in suburbia, just like another other, about to become a killing field.

A Russian gulag where an old man is held prisoner, in stark contrast to what his daughter was promised.

A nicely groomed golf course, where nobody is safe.

A private funeral at a cemetery, suddenly under attack.

C. How can these subtext environments act as part of the deeper meaning?

Our hero must save America, everything important to him, everything he cherishes is at stake. And he must turn the tables on his old nemesis and use his own weapons against him. They both have a score to settle.

[John Trimbach]

What I learned doing this assignment is that a single layer of subtext sometimes suggests another.

AMERICAN MAID

To impress his new boss, a ruthless playboy coerces his maid and her kids into pretending to be his family by including them in his will but when he tries to kill her, he ends up dead and she inherits his entire fortune.

Surface: A man hires a woman to pretend to be his wife.

Major Twist: But he intends to kill her…

Deeper Meaning: because he’s afraid she’ll figure out he killed her husband.

Give us the big parts of the plot in one sentence each.

A maid has been working for a rich businessman for a year.

He wants to go after a new account but the owner is a staunch and thorough family-man.

So the playboy coerces his maid to pretend to be his wife to include signing his will.

When the playboy threatens her kids and plots her murder, she figures it out and turns the tables on him.

He almost succeeds but is doomed by his own boobytrap.

And the maid inherits his entire fortune.

DISCOVERY ISLAND

A domineering boyfriend drags his introverted girlfriend to an island resort where guests encounter their cyborg twins in an effort to “self-discover” but when a storm knocks out the main computer, the cyborgs self-repair with deadly consequences.

Surface: An arrogant boyfriend takes his introverted and “lost” girlfriend to Discovery Island so that she will benefit from interacting with her cyborg twin and where honest answers win points.

Major Twist: But a storm knocks out the main computer and the cyborgs come back online…

Deeper Meaning: as killing machines.

Deeper Meaning: And the girlfriend must resurrect a repressed memory to defeat her cyborg.

Give us the big parts of the plot in one sentence each.

With their relationship on the rocks, a domineering boyfriend coerces his shy and withdrawn girlfriend to accompany him to a resort where each guest is paired with their cyborg double in an exercise of self-discovery. Broke and wandering, she reluctantly agrees to go.

She resists each step of the way, deciding that none of it is helpful. Cyborgs are not capable of feelings.

Instead, she finds out all she can about how the cyborgs operate and how to find their weaknesses. She also wants to win the cash prize for the most correct answers.

But when a storm hits, the computers break down and the cyborgs come back online with a big difference – instead of losing points for wrong answers, you could lose a finger, or worse.

She must dig deep to come out of her shell and visit the deepest darkest recesses of her memory in order to vanquish her cyborg.

She emerges victorious, saves all the guests and leaves her now ex-boyfriend huddled, alone and afraid.

AN OLD SCORE

After an aging Russian oligarch activates a dormant killer squad in America, his Seal team nemesis rigs his Leningrad basement with explosives not knowing the oligarch has his wife upstairs.

Surface: Major violence breaks out all over the US – an old Spetsnaz unit has activated. Jake hurries to Russia to exterminate the man responsible.

Major Twist: But the old oligarch sets a trap for Jake and captures him.

Deeper Meaning: And the Russian has kidnapped Jake’s wife.

Deeper Meaning: But Jake had earlier rigged the basement with C4…

Deeper Meaning: not knowing that his wife is upstairs…

Deeper Meaning: and she speaks Russian – she’s a plant!

Deeper Meaning: The oligarch threatened to kill her parents if she did not agree to become a spy.

Give us the big parts of the plot in one sentence each.

The oligarch’s son randomly kills an American.

This unintentionally activates an old Spetsnaz unit of chaos killers controlled by an out-of-power oligarch who wants to settle an old score with Jake and get the arming code for a large bomb left over from the Cold War.

Jake takes the bait, sets the explosives and almost escapes.

Jake is shocked to see his wife upstairs… and she’s a native Russian.

The old man threatens to kill Jill, unless Jake provides the code.

Saved by true love, Jake and Jill escape.

Jake remotely detonates the C4, which the oligarch survives. But not the bomb.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Act 2 Reaction to TP 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that by outlining the basic idea, other ideas come up.

ACT II<div>

Key Scene 1: Reaction to the Turning Point. The Old Ways are
not enough. Clare resists engaging with her cyborg. She tries to get off the island. Once she realizes it will be several days before the boat leaves, she decides to win the points money but without sharing her issues.

<div>

EXT – HELIPAD – DAY

Begin: Rod turns away from the disembarking passengers, wipes his mouth. Clare asks the pilot if there’s another way off the island. He says there’s a boat arriving the next day that can take her back to the mainland.

Middle: Rod asks Clare why she’s ready to quit so soon. Clare doesn’t answer. He pushes accusing her of being a quitter. She still doesn’t answer.

End: The couples are greeted by a caravan of carts and their drivers. In the front cart is Dr. Crestview, the director.

Begin: INT. DI MAIN MEETING ROOM – DAY

The guests are welcomed, meet the professor, Over a gourmet lunch, Dr Crestview briefs the crow, explains the plan. Others tell the rules, showcase the amenities. This is a 5-star resort. Dr. Forester introduces himself and plays a video during lunch.

DR FORESTER

Discover Island, where humans interact with their cyborg twins, a metallic match of mind and body, and thus we help our guests grow by knowing themselves. The goal of the game is to be honest with yourself. Points are awarded for insight, cleverness, and brutal honesty.

Clare notices that the video shows Cyborgs are nearly indistinguishable from their human counterparts except for a few giveaways: smiling too quickly, sudden jerks of the head, a bit too polite, looks away when computing.

TECHNICIAN CHARLIE

The cyborgs can only share what was in your mapping – they can’t recall repressed memories or things you learned since the mapping. Don’t try to trick your cyborg because you’ll get back as good as you give. If you’re prone to cheating, your cyborg will cheat. If you tell an occasional white lie, your cyborg will mimic that as well. If you’re mean and cruel, your cyborg will give you a taste of your own medicine. But don’t worry, the worst that can happen is you lose a few points. As a bonus, the person with the most points at the end of the weekend, wins $50000. Good luck everyone. The key is to be honest with yourself. A lot of murmurs.

DR FORESTER:

Folks, this is for your benefit. It is much better to deal with your issues here in a clean and safe environment. You’ll learn a lot about yourself, so please remember, you’ll get out of it what you put into it.

Dr. Richter hangs back in the shadows.

Middle:

CLARE

Excuse me, but how can metal clones help humans? Why should we trust what they say and do?

JILL, a bright-eyed 40-year-old stands up.

JILL

Yeah, why should we trust these machines with our innermost secrets?

Jill’s husband, Frank, nods in agreement. Some people start talking.

DR FORESTER

It’s alright, it’s quite natural to have reservations about such things, the idea of a duplicate having all your personal knowledge can be quite unsettling. Let me reassure you. Everything you say, everything you share, is held in the strictest confidence and completely erased from all computer systems once you leave the island. None of it is retained.

Clare’s not having any of it.

CLARE

Has there ever been a breach and have you never been hacked? And what about the gold mine of selling our information. How do we know if–

DR RICHTER (emerging from the shadows)

The quest to know thyself dates back to ancient times and the endless quest for humans to reach self-fulfillment. There has never been a more direct and insightful examination of the human condition with the potential of vast improvement amid the wreckage of humanity. That is why we are here, ladies and gentlemen. We have no interest in retaining your information. All encounters are filmed by your duplicate and given to you as a parting gift. All other information is erased and monitored by an independent third party. And we can’t be breached because we are a closed-loop operation. (Later, just before Clare wastes him, we find out that Richter is a clone cyborg.)

Middle:

INT. CER (CYBORG ENCOUNTER ROOM) – DAY

A long row of partitions, each with a desk. Opposite the desk a row of booths where the guests have their first look at their MIC’s.

DR FORESTER:

Please have a seat at your assigned number.

Everyone, sits, their attention drawn to a darkened glass booth on the other side of their desks. A man wonders from his wife and sits down at the wrong booth. A young attractive woman decides to take his seat.

DR FORESTER:

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the most important person in your life.

The doctor nods to a technician and suddenly the booths light up, revealing the cyborg occupants, standing at attention, alive, all with a built-in look of anticipation. Everyone gasps, for in the booths they see themselves. All except the young man who sees the attractive woman’s cyborg double. The cyborg frowns as if the smiles are all a façade. A technician quickly switches the two guests and the cyborgs resume their mechanical ritual. The booth doors swoosh open simultaneously. And all the cyborgs take a seat.

Some people laugh, others look disturbed seeing themselves as others do. Clare looks at her double with curiosity, as if she’s mentally rolling up her sleeves.

DR FORESTER:

Experience has taught us that the first encounter can be somewhat unsettling for some, hence the desk barrier. There’s no need to be alarmed. Please, relax and get to know yourself. When you are comfortable, touch the green light at your desk and the desk will move out of your way.

A few guests hit the button and the desks recede into the floor. Some of them shake hands with their double, start talking, asking questions.

DR. FORESTER

Whatever you do, however you greet yourself is totally up to you. All guests are now invited to the Encounter Garden to walk with yourself and begin the adventure.

BONNY

I guess introductions are not necessary.

BONNY CLONE

I guess not, but I do hope we can share with each other. I have a lot of insight into human behavior.

BONNY

I know. I do, too.

BONNY CLONE

Of course you do.

Everyone else has a similar experience, all except Clare. She’s frowning at her twin.

CLARE

What’s your name?

CLARE CLONE

Whatever you wish, but I am designated as MIC CLARE.

All the clones, including Clare’s exhibit a slightly unnatural smile.

CLARE

And how are you going to help me, McClare?

CLARE CLONE

In every way possible.

CLARE

Sounds like complete bullshit.

CLARE CLONE

Yes, it’s bullshit. So we have to figure it out.

CLARE

And what if I don’t feel like figuring it out?

CLARE CLONE

That’s your decision. It is your time to use or waste as you see fit. I am at your disposal.

CLARE

We’ll see about that.

CLARE CLONE

You love animals, don’t you?

CLARE

Nice try but I’m not falling for it.

CLARE CLONE

There are alternatives to direct self-exploration.

CLARE

Like what, McClaw?

Clare notices that her clone looks temporarily lost, then…

CLARE CLONE

Would you like to play a game?

CLARE

Alright, McDuggal, what did you have in mind?

CLARE CLONE

It is called, DISCOVER, and it simply matches wits, mine against yours, as a bridge to self awareness and actualization.

CLARE

Sounds perfectly boring, but go ahead.

CLARE CLONE

Very well, we shall begin by—

CLARE

And I never say that, “very well” and “shall” and things like that. Ya see, I’m human and you’re just a container of circuits mimicking what you’ve been programmed to say. So let’s get clear on that, okay?

A fleeting look of concern from Clare Clone, then the same smile.

CLARE CLONE

You are quite correct. As we get to know each other, the disparities in expression will abate.

CLARE

There you go again. So ask me a question.

Clare and her clone challenge each other on historical facts and trivia. Clare gets most of them right, begins to enjoy herself, as it were.

END

INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT

The guests enjoy a sumptious white-glove dinner. The hall is abuzz with stories and laughter. At Clare’s table, Rod commands the discussion, finishing with a story about how clueless Clare is at discussions and finishing with a story of how scared she was on the helicopter.

Dr Richter moves to the podium.

DR RICHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow afternoon we will begin the next phase of our encounter weekend. We will separate as couples for the quad encounters – one couple with their clones.

Clare turns sour.

EXT. TRAVEL OPERATIONS OFFICE – NIGHT

Clare dashes across a wet tarmac and a night sprinkle to the travel office. She enters.

INT. TRAVEL OPERATIONS OFFICE – NIGHT

Clare recognizes the helicopter pilot, Bob.

CLARE

Excuse me, I came in with you the other day.

BOB

Yes, ma’am.

CLARE

Well, I need to get off this island tomorrow.

BOB

No can do. Chopper’s down until I get a part for my oil pump.

CLARE

When is that arriving?

BOB

Should be here by tomorrow.

CLARE

And how is it being delivered?

BOB

By boat but it will take me awhile to take apart the engine and put it back together.

CLARE

And what about the boat?

BOB

Well, the schooner is only for deliveries. But Jim’s known to take a passenger or two.

EXT. CYBORG CHARGING ROOM – night

The cyborgs get recharged side by side. The eyes are open but nobody’s home.

INT. CLARE’S ENCOUNTER ROOM – DAY

A facilitator, Jean, presides over this morning’s human/cyborg exchange.

JEAN

Clare, I hear that you’re not happy with your encounters so far.

CLARE

I’m not getting this, I mean, talking to a robot.

JEAN

I understand. Is there something we can do to make it easier for you?

CLARE

No offense, McCLare, but you’re not my type.

MIC Clare is crestfallen.

JEAN

Perhaps I can help. Would you mind if I start a pathway facilitation?

CLARE

I don’t know what that is.

JEAN

It’s just a series of questions you answer to form a foundation for discovery. You can do this with or without your MIC. Do you mind if I begin?

CLARE

Go ahead.

MIC CLARE looks pleasantly engaged.

JEAN

Okay, I see from your profile that you enjoy animal rescue. You seem to be very good at it.

CLARE

Animals deserve better than what they get from humans.

CLARE CLONE

I couldn’t agree more.

CLARE

Let’s just stick to logical conundrums and puzzles, okay?

JEAN

If that’s where you’d like to start then by all means. Some of our guests find it helpful that the guest with the most points receives a check for $50000 and an invitation to visit again.

CLARE

Fifty thousand?

JEAN

Yes, can I leave you two?

CLARE

See ya.

Clare kicks ass on a series of math paradoxes. Clare draws even with her cyborg in a game of Know Thyself. She uses her creativity to extricate herself from an AR game involving chess and archery. She soon racks up twenty-one thousand points.

INT. ROD’S ENCOUNTER ROOM – DAY

Rod has finally met his match in bravado. His twin is the same type of blowhard.

INT. LUNCH ROOM – DAY

Rod constantly embarrasses Clare in front of the group, something that upsets her greatly.

</div></div>

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Finished Act 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that finishing Act 1 promotes a can-do attitude.

ACT I

DREAM SEQUENCE

A man with a dog on a leash. He’s pulling on it, dragging the dog into the woods. A little girl, CLARE, 9, watches anxiously.

UNCLE HENRY

Com’on girl. Do your business, come on.

YOUNG CLARE

Don’t hurt her, Uncle Henry. Please don’t hurt her.

UNCLE HENRY

I’m not. She has to go in the woods for a little while. It doesn’t hurt, just something she has to do. Com’on Trixy, come on girl, do your business.

Clare looks up, at the woods, and SCREAMS. Her cry melds into the sudden outburst, a 25-year-old woman. It’s….

INT. BEDROOM – MORNING

CLARE bolts up from her nightmare.

CLARE

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

(collects herself)

Damn it!

Rubs her face, focuses on the bedside table clock. 10:15.

CLARE

Shit!

Springs to her feet, runs to the bathroom, grabs a dress on the door hook with one hand, pulls off her t-shirt with the other, slams the door shut.

EXT. INNERMOST CAFÉ – DAY

A light rain. Brooding and pale skinned, blond dreadlocks swinging to and fro, ROD, 28, paces up and down under the awning, A hand taps him from behind. He spins around.

ROD

Damn it, Clare. where you been?

CLARE

Sorry, missed the buzzer.

ROD

Let’s go, they’re waiting.

INT. TABLE FOR 8 – DAY

Rod leads to a table of people who look put out. Jenny especially, seated next to Barry, both late 20s. Chuck, 30s, appears sympathetic. The others look up, then back to their plates and pie holes.

CLARE

Sorry, everybody. Overslept.

JENNY

You don’t look it.

CLARE sidles to a chair next to Rod who’s already seated himself.

BARRY

She kinda does, sweater’s inside out.

Clare looks down, sees the tag. Now everybody gazes at her tag. A few chuckles.

ROD

It’s my fault. I didn’t dress her properly this morning.

A few laughs.

Clare starts to sit, too embarrassed to speak.

ROD

No, go change.

Clare slowly rises, leaves the table. They all watch her disappear around the corner.

JENNY

That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?

ROD

Sorry, everybody. Clare’s been dormant lately, attention vector inward. Always in some esoteric book getting lost in the weeds.

BARRY

The puzzle solver.

JENNY

Oh, that’s right. Clare loves to solve riddles and such.

ROD

Like the one between her ears.

TED

How about the one between her legs.

JENNY

Real nice, Ted.

ROD

Wish it was that simple.

CHUCK

Occam’s Razor.

ROD

What was that?

CHUCK

Occam’s Razor, the principle that the most simple explanation is probably the true one.

ROD

So I should take her to a shrink?

CHUCK

Maybe, or a trust baby like you could take her to that new resort off the coast.

JENNY

You mean Discovery Island, heard it’s absolutely wonderful. Everybody raves about it. You get in touch with your true self through a MIC.

TED

A what?

JENNY

Ah, mirror image cyborg, I think.

CHUCK

I think it’s matching image. Anyway, it’s an exact metal clone of yourself.

ROD

I don’t think contemplating our navel is the answer.

BARRY

Do they even have navels?

JENNY

I heard they have all the parts, private and otherwise.

BARRY

Now I’m interested.

ROD

Well, I’m not. Sounds like a complete waste of time and money, both of them mine.

JENNY

It’s not just for Clare, Rod. You’d benefit, too.

CHUCK

And they’re having a sale right now for couples, half off the second.

ROD

We’re not really, not by a long shot. We’re just sharing my condo, ah, temporarily.

CHUCK

Sounds ideal.

ROD

Your Razor, again?

CHUCK

Actually, yes. Giving Clare the opportunity to know her innermost self is exactly what she needs, Rod. What you both need before you decide to split.

JENNY

Gotta know the origin before you plan a destination, Rod.

BARRY

Agree, you know, it’s never too late for somebody like her to grow up a little.

Rod looks down pensively.

ROD

She’s absolutely helpless without me.

BARRY

Well, you best help her get some wings so she can fly away and be done with her. (fingering his cell phone)

And… we’re talking 5-star resort, ace.

ROD

Well, something’s gotta give.

INT. LADY’S ROOM – DAY

Clare has been monitoring the whole conversation on her phone.

INT. INNERMOST CAFE – DAY

Clare leaves.

EXT. INNERMOST CAFÉ – DAY

Clare walks home.

EXT. CENTURY PARK – DAY

Clare walks by a tree lined path, notices a starling fluttering about with a croaked wing. Clare bends down to study it. Something about a helpless bird gets to her. She breaks down, sobbing.

INT. ROD’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Clare enters with her wounded bird in a bird cage, sets it on a table by the windowsill.

CLARE

Don’t worry, birdie. We’ll get out of here.

She covers the cage with a cloth and turns out the light.

INT. FILING SERVICES OFFICE – DAY

Clare sits at her desk, shuffling pages. From her cubicle she has a direct view of the break room. She sees Nolan, the office jerk, with his hands all over Amber who’s pushing him away.

INT. JOE’S OFFICE – DAY

Clare knocks on the door.

JOE nods.

JOE

What can I do for you, Clare.

Clare hesitates, thinks.

CLARE

Hi Joe, wondered if we can talk about something.

JOE

If it’s about your next project, it’s a bit early.

CLARE

No, it’s not that. It’s just…

JOE

You want a raise, is that it?

CLARE

Well, not exactly but I think—

JOE

Now Clare, you know all about our budget constraints and nobody’s getting a raise right now. Are we clear?

CLARE

Yes, we’re clear.

Joe holds up his coffee cup.

JOE

Would you mind?

Clare grabs the cup.

INT. NOLAN’S CUBICLE – DAY

Nolan walks in, sees a company policy poster on his desk. The title reads: “WORKPLACE HARRASSMENT.” Somebody has written in thick black ink: “THIS MEANS YOU!”

INT. ROD’S APARTMENT – DAY

Clare watches TV, a self -advocacy law firm spot. Rod steps in front of the screen.

ROD

We need to talk.

Clare hits the mute button, stands up.

CLARE

I’m listening.

ROD

About your rude departure yesterday.

CLARE

I wasn’t the one being rude.

Rod looks puzzled.

CLARE

That’s right, heard all of it. You left your phone on monitor mode.

ROD

Well… good. You needed to hear it.

CLARE

I need to move out.

ROD

Agreed. You’re not keeping your side of our, ah, arrangement.

CLARE

Me?

ROD

Yes, you, Clare. You’re here but you’re not here.

CLARE

I don’t work full time and come home and cook and clean for you?

ROD

Yeah, but there’s more to life than just toilets and Tottingers.

CLARE

Cute. So I thought we were gonna be just roomies.

ROD

I need something more than that. You’re going to have to move out.

CLARE

Oh, great. That’s just great. Sold all my stuff, paid off my bills and now suddenly I’m homeless.

(beat)

Fine, I’ll move out but I need time to get settled.

ROD

How long?

CLARE

A month and a half.

ROD

Six weeks? That’s too long.

CLARE

I took care of your mother for six months-

ROD

And I appreciate that but-

CLARE

It’s the least you can do.

ROD

Tell you what. If you agree to go with me to a resort for the weekend, you can stay until you get settled.

CLARE

And why would you want that?

INT. CLARE’S MOM’S KITCHEN – DAY

A kitchen in dire need of remodeling. Clare and Lois doing a mother-daughter cake.

CLARE

That’s what I said. He wants me to go with him.

LOIS

Of course he does.

CLARE

And they have the technology to help you learn about yourself from a robotic double.

LOIS

Sounds dreadful. And why are you still with this man?

CLARE
He means well.

LOIS

Now that’s delusional, Clare. I see all the signs.

CLARE

That why you never left Dad.

LOIS

That was different. I had you and your brother to worry about. And I still worry. Are you still seeing Doctor Silvers?

CLARE

No, can’t afford it.

Lois whips out a very sharp knife. Whacks it down on the cutting board.

LOIS

Still having those nightmares?

CLARE

Yes. Maybe this island trip can help me.

LOIS

Are you sure?

CLARE

I don’t know. I need to buy time before I can move. And he’s paying for everything.

LOIS

He better be… trustafarian dipshit.

CLARE

Mom!

LOIS

Don’t let me stop you. You’ll learn to drop this guy like a heat lamp.

EXT. BIOLOGICAL MAPPING FACILITY – DAY

A futuristic waiting room with high ceiling orb lights. Rod sits, gets his dreadlocks caught in the chair straps. He has to pull himself free. Clare stifles a laugh.

LOUDSPEAKER

Mr. and Mrs. Rodney Shankman.

CLARE

That’ll be the day.

INT. BIOLOGICAL MAPPING FACILITY – DAY

Rod and Clare lie down on scanning beds. A light passes over them like a scanning machine. Ten passes and it’s over.

CLARE

What sort of information was just sucked out of my body?

TECNICIAN

About ten billion terabytes of you, of everything you are.

CLARE

So I just sold my soul.

ROD

Yeah, and I paid for it.

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

Clare comes home to an empty apartment. Her bird flutters about, pecking at birdseed. Clare peers in.

CLARE

Hi, Birdie. How are we doing? Ready to fly? Are you scared of heights?

INT. CLARE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Clare in a deep sleep, head tossing and turning.

CLARE

No, Uncle Henry. Be nice to Tricksy.

DREAM SEQUENCE

Uncle Henry tugs on Tricksy’s leesh. Tricksy resists. They disappear behind the bushes.

YOUNG CLARE

Don’t hurt her, Uncle Henry.

UNCLE HENRY

It’s okay, dear. She’s just doing her business and I don’t want it out in the open.

INT. CLARE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Clare wakes up with a start. Turns on the light. Grabs a book. We see the title: MORAL DILEMMAS.

INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Clare gets lost in another book: RIDDLES AND CODES. Rod walks in.

ROD

Have you packed, yet?

CLARE

Just a few things left.

ROD

Get rid of the bird. Don’t want to come home to a stinking carcass.

CLARE

She won’t die, I promise. I’m leaving plenty of birdseed and it’s just until she can fly away.

ROD

Why are you always helping little animals?

CLARE

Because they can’t help themselves.

ROD

Your read the prep file?

CLARE

Yes, be openminded to change.

ROD

That’s right. It might even be fun. Now, I expect you to accompany me to all public functions. Let’s at least pretend to be a couple.

CLARE

What for? I thought the whole point is to be honest. Rod grabs the air travel tickets off the counter, hands Clare’s.

ROD

Yeah, well that’s the price of admission. And if we’re going to be honest, your ingratitude would be front and center. Here, don’t lose these.

CLARE

I’m grateful…. why are there two sets?

Rod fetches tickets off the kitchen counter.

ROD

It’s a chopper ride to the island. There’s no runway.

CLARE

What? I can’t ride in a helicopter. Gives me the willies.

ROD

Suck it up, buttercup.

INT. AIRPLANE – DAY

Clare sits in the aisle seat, buried in a magazine. Rod summons a flight attendant.

ROD

Two glasses of champagne.

CLARE

Oh, I don’t care for any.

Rod locks eyes with the flight attendant. Holds up two fingers.

ROD

Two.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

I’ll see what I can do.

ROD

You should loosen up a little.

CLARE

You know I hate flying.

Rod chuckles.

ROD

The best is yet to come, sweetheart.

EXT. HELIPORT – DAY

Half a dozen passengers walk the tarmac. Clare gazes up at the chopper like it’s the guillotine.

CLARE

I can’t do this.

ROD

Too late now. Do I have to carry you on?

INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

Everyone but Clare cranes for a better look outside. It’s a gorgeous day, azure waters, clear skies. Clare sits as far away from the doors as possible. Eyes closed, head in hands like she’s in a deep meditation.

Suddenly, the chopper lurches left and drops a hundred feet in a few seconds. Everyone screams.

INT. COCKPIT – DAY

PILOT

We just lost oil pressure. We’re gonna gyro in. EVERYBODY HOLD TIGHT. WE’RE GOING TO ROTOR DOWN TO THE HELIPAD!

Everyone grabs on to something.. A heavyset woman prays. A young couple grab each other. For once, Rod is just as terrified as Clare

PILOT

HOLD ON. HERE WE GO!!

We see out the window. There’s a giant H on a concrete pad getting bigger fast.

PILOT

BRACE FOR IMPACT! BRACE FOR IMPACT!

The pilot pulls back smoothly on the collective.

EXT. LANDING PAD – DAY

The helicopter’s descent slows and touches down gently.

INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

Cheers. Applause. Clare recovers. Rod throws up.

PILOT

Sorry about that folks. We’re down for repairs. Enjoy your stay.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Turning Point 1 Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is that the TP 1 must be like entering a room and the door closing behind you – there’s no turning back.

INT. AIRPLANE – DAY

Clare sits in the aisle seat, buried in a magazine. Rod summons a flight attendant.

ROD

Two glasses of champagne.

CLARE

Oh, I don’t care for any.

Rod locks eyes with the flight attendant. Holds up two fingers.

ROD

Two.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

I’ll see what I can do.

ROD

You should loosen up a little.

CLARE

You know I hate flying.

Rod chuckles.

ROD

The best is yet to come, sweetheart.

EXT. HELIPORT – DAY

Half a dozen passengers walk the tarmac. Clare gazes up at the chopper like it’s the guillotine.

CLARE

I can’t do this.

ROD

Too late now. Do I have to carry you on?

INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

Everyone but Clare cranes for a better look outside. It’s a gorgeous day, azure waters, clear skies. Clare sits as far away from the doors as possible. Eyes closed, head in hands like she’s in a deep meditation.

Suddenly, the chopper lurches left and drops a hundred feet in a few seconds. Everyone screams.

INT. COCKPIT – DAY

PILOT

We just lost oil pressure. We’re gonna gyro in. EVERYBODY HOLD TIGHT. WE’RE GOING TO ROTOR DOWN TO THE HELIPAD!

Everyone grabs on to something.. A heavyset woman prays. A young couple grab each other. For once, Rod is just as terrified as Clare.

PILOT

HOLD ON. HERE WE GO!!

We see out the window. There’s a giant H on a concrete pad getting bigger fast.

PILOT

BRACE FOR IMPACT! BRACE FOR IMPACT!

The pilot pulls back smoothly on the collective.

EXT. LANDING PAD – DAY

The helicopter’s descent slows and touches down gently.

INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

Cheers. Applause. Clare recovers. Rod throws up.

PILOT

Sorry about that folks. We’re down for repairs. Enjoy your stay.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Inciting Event

What I learned by doing this assignment is that the inciting event needs to be a compelling reason for the protagonist to start the journey.

INT. ROD’S APARTMENT – DAY

Clare watches TV, a self-advocacy law firm spot. Rod steps in front of the screen.

ROD

We need to talk.

Clare hits the mute button, stands up.

CLARE

I’m listening.

ROD

About your rude departure yesterday.

CLARE

I wasn’t the one being rude.

Rod looks puzzled.

CLARE

Heard all of it. You left your phone on monitor mode.

ROD

Well… good. You needed to hear it.

CLARE

I need to move out.

ROD

Agreed. You’re not keeping your side of our, ah, arrangement.

CLARE

Me?

ROD

Yes, you, Clare. You’re here but you’re not here.

CLARE

I don’t work full time and come home and cook and clean for you?

ROD

Yeah, but there’s more to life than just toilets and Tottingers.

CLARE

Cute. So I thought we were gonna be just roomies.

ROD

I need something more than that. You’re going to have to move out.

CLARE

Oh, great. That’s just great. Sold all my stuff, paid off my bills and now suddenly I’m homeless.

(beat)

Fine, I’ll move out but I need time to get settled.

ROD

How long?

CLARE

A month and a half.

ROD

Six weeks? That’s too long.

CLARE

I took care of your mother for six months-

ROD

And I appreciate that but-

CLARE

It’s the least you can do.

ROD

Tell you what. If you agree to go with me to a resort for the weekend, you can stay until you get settled.

CLARE

And why would you want that?

INT. CLARE’S MOM’S KITCHEN – DAY

A kitchen in dire need of remodeling. Clare and Lois doing a mother-daughter cake.

CLARE

That’s what I said. He wants me to go with him.

LOIS

Of course he does.

CLARE

And they have the technology to help you learn about yourself from a robotic double.

LOIS

Sounds dreadful. And why are you still with this man?

CLARE
He means well.

LOIS

Now that’s delusional, Clare. I see all the signs.

CLARE

That why you never left Dad.

LOIS

That was different. I had you and your brother to worry about. And I still worry. Are you still seeing Doctor Silvers?

CLARE

No, can’t afford it.

Lois whips out a very sharp knife. Whacks it down on the cutting board.

LOIS

Still having those nightmares?

CLARE

Yes. Maybe this island trip can help me.

LOIS

Are you sure?

CLARE

I don’t know. I need to buy time before I can move. And he’s paying for everything.

LOIS

He better be… trustafarian dipshit.

CLARE

Mom!

LOIS

Don’t let me stop you. You’ll learn to drop this guy like a heat lamp.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Opening Scenes

What I learned doing this assignment is to just do it and get it done.

ACT I

DREAM SEQUENCE

A man with a dog on a leash. He’s pulling on it, dragging the dog into the woods. A little girl, CLARE, 9, watches anxiously.

UNCLE HENRY

Com’on girl. Do your business, come on.

CLARE

Don’t hurt her, Uncle Henry. Please don’t hurt her.

UNCLE HENRY

I’m not. She has to go in the woods for a little while. It doesn’t hurt, just something she has to do. Com’on Trixy, come on girl, do your business.

Clare looks up, at the woods, and SCREAMS. Her cry melds into the sudden outburst, a 25-year-old woman. It’s….

INT. BEDROOM – MORNING

CLARE bolts up from her nightmare.

CLARE

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

(collects herself)

Damn it!

Rubs her face, focuses on the bedside table clock. 10:15.

CLARE

Shit!

Springs to her feet, runs to the bathroom, grabs a dress on the door hook with one hand, pulls off her t-shirt with the other, slams the door shut.

EXT. INNERMOST CAFÉ – DAY

A light rain. Brooding and pale skinned, blond dreadlocks swinging to and fro, ROD, 28, paces up and down under the awning, A hand taps him from behind. He spins around.

ROD

Damn it, Clare. where you been?

CLARE

Sorry, missed the buzzer.

ROD

Let’s go, they’re waiting.

INT. TABLE FOR 8 – DAY

Rod leads to a table of people who look put out. Jenny especially, seated next to Barry, both late 20s. Chuck, 30s, appears sympathetic. The others look up, then back to their plates and pie holes.

CLARE

Sorry, everybody. Overslept.

JENNY

You don’t look it.

CLARE sidles to a chair next to Rod who’s already seated himself.

BARRY

She kinda does, sweater’s inside out.

Clare looks down, sees the tag. Now everybody gazes at her tag. A few chuckles.

ROD

It’s my fault. I didn’t dress her properly this morning.

A few laughs.

Clare starts to sit, too embarrassed to speak.

ROD

No, go change.

Clare slowly rises, leaves the table. They all watch her disappear around the corner.

JENNY

That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?

ROD

Sorry, everybody. Clare’s been dormant lately, attention vector inward. Always in some esoteric book getting lost in the weeds.

BARRY

The puzzle solver.

JENNY

Oh, that’s right. Clare loves to solve riddles and such.

ROD

Like the one between her ears.

TED

How about the one between her legs.

JENNY

Real nice, Ted.

ROD

Wish it was that simple.

CHUCK

Occam’s Razor.

ROD

What was that?

CHUCK

Occam’s Razor, the principle that the most simple explanation is probably the true one.

ROD

So I should take her to a shrink?

CHUCK

Maybe, or a trust baby like you could take her to that new resort off the coast.

JENNY

You mean Discovery Island, heard it’s absolutely wonderful. Everybody raves about it. You get in touch with your true self through a MIC.

TED

A what?

JENNY

Ah, mirror image cyborg, I think.

CHUCK

I think it’s matching image. Anyway, it’s an exact metal clone of yourself.

ROD

I don’t think contemplating our navel is the answer.

BARRY

Do they even have navels?

JENNY

I heard they have all the parts, private and otherwise.

BARRY

Now I’m interested.

ROD

Well, I’m not. Sounds like a complete waste of time and money, both of them mine.

JENNY

It’s not just for Clare, Rod. You’d benefit, too.

CHUCK

And they’re having a sale right now for couples, half off the second.

ROD

We’re not really, not by a long shot. We’re just sharing my condo, ah, temporarily.

CHUCK

Sounds ideal.

ROD

Your Razor, again?

CHUCK

Actually, yes. Giving Clare the opportunity to know her innermost self is exactly what she needs, Rod. What you both need before you decide to split.

JENNY

Gotta know the origin before you plan a destination, Rod.

BARRY

Agree, you know, it’s never too late for somebody like her to grow up a little.

Rod looks down pensively.

ROD

She’s absolutely helpless without me.

BARRY

Well, you best help her get some wings so she can fly away and be done with her. (fingering his cell phone)

And… we’re talking 5-star resort, ace.

ROD

Well, something’s gotta give.

INT. LADY’S ROOM – DAY

Clare has been monitoring the whole conversation on her phone.

INT. INNERMOST CAFE – DAY

Clare leaves.

EXT. INNERMOST CAFÉ – DAY

Clare walks home.

EXT. CENTURY PARK – DAY

Clare walks by a tree lined path, notices a starling fluttering about with a croaked wing. Clare bends down to study it. Something about a helpless bird gets to her. She breaks down, sobbing.

INT. ROD’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Clare enters with her wounded bird in a bird cage, sets it on a table by the windowsill.

CLARE

Don’t worry, birdie. We’ll get out of here.

She covers the cage with a cloth and turns out the light.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Beat Sheet Draft 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that there’s room for more antagonist involvement in the story. Still room for more discovery, too.

Act 1:

INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT

Opening – Rod embarrasses Clare at a dinner party, chastising her for being self-absorbed and closed off. A friend mentions that a new weekend retreat called Discovery Island involving robotic clones sounds interesting. Guests spend the weekend getting to know themselves by interacting with their cyborg twins.

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

TE 1: Clare helps a wounded bird fly away.

INT. CLARE’S OFFICE – DAY

TE 3: Clare asks her boss for a raise. He laughs it off. After Clare eyes an anti-harassment poster in the break room, she witnesses a colleague being sexually harassed. The poster ends up on his desk with the added words, “This means you.”

EXT. PARK – DAY

Inciting Incident – During an argument, Rod insists that Clare go with him on a self-encounter weekend at Discovery Island or else he’ll end their relationship. That scares the hell out of her so she agrees to go. Rod insists he’s doing this for her.

INT. CLARE’S MOTHER’S HOUSE – DAY

This is kind of a round-down house in a declining neighborhood. Clare helps her mother with her monthly bills.

TE 2: Clare tells her mother about her plans to go with Rod on a weekend encounter. Her mother disapproves. Clare counters with the abuse her mother put up with from her father. Her mother agrees that Clare needs to be true to herself and adds, “I see the signs, don’t make the same mistake.”

EXT. BIOLOGICAL MAPPING FACILITY – DAY

Rod and Clare get scanned. Clare asks a lot of questions about the cyborgs. Clearly, she’s worried.

INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

TE 4: Clare gets lost in a book about riddles and codes. Rod instructs her about their impending trip, condescendingly.

INT. AIRPLANE – DAY

Rod orders a drink for Clare without asking her. Tells her how to sit. Clare learns that the final leg of their journey is aboard a helicopter. Clare is terrified of heights. Rod explains there is no runway on Discovery Island. Clare panics.

EXT. HELIPORT – DAY

Clare fights her fear of heights. Musters courage. Rod laughs.

INT./EXT. HELICOPTER – DAY

The helicopter almost crashes but everyone is safe. The helicopter is down for repairs. Everyone must stay a bit longer than the weekend. No worries, everything is comped. Clare regrets ever having agreed to come.

Act 2:

INT. DI MAIN MEETING ROOM – DAY

The guests are welcomed, meet the professor who explains the plan. Assistants in white coats explain the rules, showcase the amenities. This is a 5-star resort. The play a video:

“Discover Island, where humans interact with their cyborg twins, a metallic match of mind and body, and thus help our guests grow by knowing themselves. Our advanced cyborgs are nearly indistinguishable from their human counterparts.”

Dr. Rowen adds, “The goal of the game is to be honest with yourself. Points are awarded for insight, cleverness, and brutal honesty.”

Technicians adds an interesting caveat – the cyborgs can’t recall memories not present during mapping, such as repressed memories or significant events imprinted after mapping. Don’t try to trick your cyborg because you’ll get back as good as you give. If you’re prone to cheating, your cyborg will cheat. If you tell an occasional white lie, your cyborg will mimic that as well. If you’re mean and cruel, your cyborg will give you a taste of your own medicine. But don’t worry, the worst that can happen is you lose a few points.

As a bonus, the person with the most points at the end of the weekend wins $ 50000. Good luck everyone. The key is to be honest with yourself. A lot of murmurs. Dr Forester: “Folks, this is for your benefit. It is much better to deal with your issues here in a clean and safe environment. You’ll learn a lot about yourself, so please remember, you’ll get out of it what you put into it.”

INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT

Rod tells the people at their table how scared Clare was in the helicopter. He acts like he knew all would be fine. But we remember Rod being just as terrified.

INT. SMALL MEETING ROOM – DAY

Group discussions then everyone meets their cyborg. Everyone is fascinated, immediately start talking to their twins. Clare is extremely hesitant. It’s all too weird.

INT. CLARE’S ENCOUNTER ROOM – DAY

A facilitator presides over the first individual human/cyborg exchange. Clare sucks at the encounters, won’t share with her cyborg or with the group. Clare doesn’t trust her cyborg, dubbed C2.

However, unlike all the others, she excels at encounter challenges and starts earning points.

INT. ROD’S ENCOUNTER ROOM – DAY

Rod has finally met his match in bravado. His twin is the same type of blowhard.

INT. LUNCH ROOM – DAY

Rod constantly embarrasses Clare in front of the group, something that upsets her greatly.

EXT. CYBORG CHARGING ROOM – DAY

The cyborgs get recharged side by side.

INT. ENCOUNTER ROOM – DAY

TE 5: Clare draws even with her cyborg in a game of Know Thyself. She uses her creativity to extricate herself from an AR game involving a type of hologram of chess pieces who use archery and knives. Clare quickly masters the game. She notices that there are a few ways to distinguish the robots from the humans: smiling too quickly, sudden jerks of the head, a bit too polite, looking away when computing.

INT. GROUP ROOM – DAY

TE 6: Clare suffers a humiliating defeat after Rod tells the whole group how she freaked on her first encounter. Clare has had enough and decides to leave the island.

INT. HELICOPTER HANGAR – NIGHT

Clare plans her escape with the helicopter pilot who’s repairing the bird. She offers to pay. He tells her it’s almost ready but a storm is approaching. They can’t leave until it passes.

INT. MEETING ROOM – DAY

Clare decides to ignore the mean guests and be friends with a nice guest, EMILY.

Midpoint Turning Point: A storm takes out the central computer.

EXT. RESORT BEACHFRONT – NIGHT

The storm pounds the beach. Lightning strikes the central computer complex. It fries the central control board.

INT. CYBORG HOUSING FACILITY – NIGHT

The cyborgs all shut down.

INT. CENTRAL CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Doctor Cornwall and his assistant decide what to do. They will let the cyborgs self-repair which is the quickest way to come back online.

INT. CYBORG COMPLEX – DAY

The cyborgs come back to life but with red menacing eyes. When the assistant attempts to shut them down, they kill him.

INT. MAIN MEETING ROOM – DAY

Everyone, including the doctor, thinks everything is alright when the cyborgs arrive for their daily encounter. He explains that the red eyes just mean they’ve in alternate mode and now there’s no mistaking them. Everyone adjourns to their respective encounter rooms. The cyborgs are all smiles.

Act 3:

Rethink everything – Each person’s cyborg is a reflection of themselves. Kindness begets kindness but some guests are getting their asses kicked in varied and painful ways. Cruelty begets cruelty. –- the cyborgs know their humans all too well.

PLACEHOLDER: Various bad experiences as guests learn the ugly truth and get zapped by their cyborgs when giving the wrong answer. Social order quickly breaks down.

PLACEHOLDER: A guest is killed when he tries to shut down his cyborg. The cyborg concluded that the guest was trying to terminate him. Violence begets equal violence. Terror reigns on the island.

INT. ROD’S ROOM – DAY

Rod quickly crumbles when challenged by his domineering cyborg and decides to make a run for it.

PLACEHOLDER – Several guests run and hide on the island. Some take the small sailboats but are quickly pursued by their cyborgs.

INT. CLARE’S ROOM – DAY

After a few shocks, Clare realizes that she must vanquish her cyborg twin in order to survive and the only way to do that is to challenge it with something it doesn’t know. She buys time by preoccupying her cyborg with diversionary riddles while probing her cyborg for helpful hints and using analytical skills to gain a tactical advantage.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift

EXT. RESORT GROUNDS – DAY

People are hiding, some are caught and punished. Some are killed. The people in the boats are overtaken by the cyborgs. They drown their human counterparts in an effort to teach them “water safety.”

INT. CLARE’S ROOM – DAY

Clare has exhausted her tactics and decides to escape to the hills. She dashes out the door. C2 smiles.

EXT. ISLAND HILLS – DAY

Clare climbs up a hill but is trapped – C2 moves in for the final quiz! Clare must step up with all she can muster. She uses logic to match wits with C2 and gets it to reveal how she can partially disable it if she scores a few victories. If she loses, the cyborg gets to disable (break) a limb. Clare uses her wins to slowly disable C2. It’s down to one leg, then one arm, but C2 still pursues her up the cliff.

PLACEHOLDER – We see Rod is not doing so well but he’s found a good hiding place. He’s discovered something the helps him survive – ratting out the location of the other guests wins him points.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict –

EXT. TOP OF THE HILL – DAY

Clare’s cyborg has her trapped. Clare tricks it into revealing how the robots can be shut down at the main computer center. C2 taunts Clare with memory questions Clare has long forgotten. Clare racks her brain for something she can use against the advancing cyborg, something that only she can remember but that she has run away from her whole life – a repressed memory, the one thing unknown to her cyborg.

EXT. EDGE OF THE CLIFF – DAY

The battle of wits has Clare on the edge of the cliff looking down on the rocks. This is her last chance. Clare thinks, resurrects the repressed memory of her sexual abuse at the hands of her Uncle Henry and immediately quizzes her cyborg about a particularly dreadful encounter with “Henry the clown.”

The cyborg doesn’t know the answer, and Clare requires it to disable its other leg. Clare kicks it off the cliff and yells, “I’m done with you!”

Clare watches it smash apart on the rocks below.

EXT. ISLAND OUTSKIRTS – DAY

Several cyborgs close in on their victims.

EXT. CENTRAL CORE ROOM – DAY

Clare kicks open the door, puts in the code and shuts down the whole system. Just in time. The professor thanks her as he dies from a wound inflicted by a cyborg in preservation mode.

INT. CENTRAL MEETING ROOM – DAY

Clare sees Rod hiding under a table, whimpering in a fetal position. He begs her to save him. Clare responds with his favorite taunt he used against her when she tried to express her true feelings: “Oh, Rod, get over yourself.”

Resolution –

EXT. HELICOPTER PAD – DAY

Clare helps others climb aboard then she hops on. Helicopter takes off.

INT LAWYERS OFFICE -DAY

Clare learns that she won the resort’s $50,000 prize for “Inward Honesty” and is also awarded $5 million for pain and suffering by management. Her life is now her own.

INT. CLARE’S MOTHER’S NEW HOUSE – DAY

Clare helps her mother move into a new home in a nicer neighborhood.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s High Speed Beat Sheet

What I learned doing this assignment is putting the pieces together can be done quickly.

Act 1:

INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT

Opening – Rod embarrasses Clare at a dinner party. A friend mentions that a new weekend retreat called Discovery Island involving robotic clones sounds interesting. Guests spend the weekend getting to know themselves by interacting with their cyborg twins.

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

TE 1: Clare helps a wounded bird fly away.

INT. CLARE’S OFFICE – DAY

TE 3: Clare asks her boss for a raise. He laughs it off.

EXT. PARK – DAY

Inciting Incident – During an argument, Rod insists that Clare go with him on a self-encounter weekend at Discovery Island or else he’ll end their relationship. That scares the hell out of her so she agrees to go.

INT. CLARE’S MOTHER’S HOUSE – DAY

TE 2: Clare confronts her mother about her father’s abuse, tells about her decision to go with Rod on a weekend against her mother’s wishes.

EXT. MAPPING FACILITY – DAY

Rod and Clare get scanned. Clare asks a lot of questions. Clearly, she’s worried.

INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

TE 4: Clare gets lost in a book about riddles and codes. Rod instructs her about their impending trip, condescendingly.

INT. AIRPLANE – DAY

Rod orders a drink for Clare without asking her. Tells her how to sit. Clare learns that the final leg of their journey is aboard a helicopter. Clare is terrified of heights. Rod explains there is no runway on Discovery Island. Clare panics.

EXT. HELIPORT – DAY

Clare fights her fear of heights. Musters courage. Rod laughs.

INT./EXT. HELICOPTER – DAY

The helicopter almost crashes but everyone is safe. The helicopter is down for repairs. Everyone must stay a bit longer than the weekend. No worries, everything is comped. Clare regrets ever having agreed to come.

Act 2:

INT. DI MAIN MEETING ROOM – DAY

The guests are welcomed, meet the professor who explains the plan. Others tell the rules, showcase the amenities. This is a 5-star resort.

INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT

Rod tells the people at their table how scared Clare was. He acts like he knew all would be fine.

INT. SMALL MEETING ROOM – DAY

Group discussions then everyone meets their cyborg. Everyone is fascinated, immediately start talking to their twins. Clare is extremely hesitant. It’s all too weird.

INT. CLARE’S ENCOUNTER ROOM – DAY

A facilitator presides over the first individual human/cyborg exchange. Clare sucks at the encounters, won’t share with her cyborg or with the group. Clare doesn’t trust her cyborg, dubbed C2.

However, unlike all the others, she excels at encounter challenges and starts earning points.

INT. ROD’S ENCOUNTER ROOM – DAY

Rod has finally met his match in bravado. His twin is the same type of blowhard.

INT. LUNCH ROOM – DAY

Rod constantly embarrasses Clare in front of the group, something that upsets her greatly.

EXT. CYBORG CHARGING ROOM – DAY

The cyborgs get recharged side by side.

INT. ENCOUNTER ROOM – DAY

TE 5: Clare draws even with her cyborg in a game of Know Thyself. She uses her creativity to extricate herself from an AR game involving chess and archery.

INT. GROUP ROOM – DAY

TE 6: Clare suffers a humiliating defeat after Rod tells the whole group how she freaked on her first encounter. Clare had enough and decides to leave the island.

INT. HELICOPTER HANGAR – NIGHT

Clare plans her escape with the helicopter pilot who’s repairing the bird. She offers to pay. He tells her it’s almost ready but a storm is approaching. They can’t leave until it passes.

INT. MEETING ROOM – DAY

Clare decides to ignore the mean guests and be friends with a nice guest, EMILY.

Midpoint Turning Point: A storm takes out the central computer – the cyborgs self-repair with painful and deadly consequences for incorrect responses – the cyborgs know their humans all too well. Social order quickly breaks down. Terror reigns on the island.

EXT. RESORT BEACHFRONT – NIGHT

The storm pounds the beach. Lightning strikes the central computer complex. It fries the central control board.

INT. CYBORG HOUSING FACILITY – NIGHT

The cyborgs all shut down.

INT. CENTRAL CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Professor Cornwall and his assistant decide what to do They will let the cyborgs self-repair which is the quickest way to come back online.

INT. CYBORG COMPLEX – DAY

The cyborgs come back to life but with red menacing eyes. When the assistant attempts to shut them down, they kill him.

INT. MAIN MEETING ROOM – DAY

Everyone, including the professor, thinks everything is alright when the cyborgs arrive for their daily encounter. He explains that the red eyes just mean they’ve in alternate mode. Everyone adjourns to their respective encounter rooms. The cyborgs are all smiles.

Act 3:

Rethink everything – Each person’s cyborg is a reflection of themselves. Kindness begets kindness but some guests are getting their asses kicked in varied and painful ways. Cruelty begets cruelty.

PLACEHOLDER: various bad experiences as guests learn the ugly truth and get zapped by their cyborgs when giving the wrong answer.

PLACEHOLDER: A guest is killed when he tries to shut down his cyborg. The cyborg concluded that the guest was trying to terminate him. Once again, violence begets equal violence.

INT. ROD’S ROOM – DAY

Rod quickly crumbles when challenged by his domineering cyborg and decides to make a run for it.

PLACEHOLDER – Several guests run and hide on the island. Some are caught.

INT. CLARE’S ROOM – DAY

After a few shocks, Clare realizes that she must vanquish her cyborg twin in order to survive and the only way to do that is to challenge it with something it doesn’t know. She buys time by preoccupying her cyborg with diversionary riddles while probing her cyborg for helpful hints and using analytical skills to gain a tactical advantage.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift

EXT. RESORT GROUNDS – DAY

People are hiding, some are caught and punished. Some are killed.

INT. CLARE’S ROOM – DAY

Clare has exhausted her tactics and decides to run out the door.

EXT. ISLAND HILLS – DAY

Clare climbs up a hill but is trapped – C2 moves in for the final quiz! Clare must step up with all she can muster. She uses logic to match wits with C2 and gets it to reveal how she can partially disable it if she scores a few victories. If she loses, the cyborg gets to disable (break) a limb. Clare uses her wins to slowly disable her cyborg. It’s down to one leg, then one arm, but it’s still pursuing her up the cliff.

PLACEHOLDER – We see Rod is not doing so well but he’s found a good hiding place. He rats out the location of the other guests in order to win points.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict –

EXT. TOP OF THE HILL – DAY

Clare’s cyborg has her trapped. Clare tricks it into revealing how the robots can be shut down at the main computer center. C2 taunts Clare with memory questions Clare has long forgotten. Clare racks her brain for something she can use against the advancing cyborg, something that only she could remember but that she has run away from her whole life – a repressed memory, the one thing unknown to her cyborg.

EXT. EDGE OF THE CLIFF – DAY

The battle of wits has Clare on the edge of the cliff looking down on the rocks. This is her last chance. Clare thinks, resurrects the repressed memory of her sexual abuse at the hands of her Uncle Henry and immediately quizzes her cyborg about a particularly dreadful encounter with her uncle.

The cyborg doesn’t know the answer, and Clare requires it to disable it’s other leg. Clare kicks it off the cliff and yells, “I’m done with you!”

Clare watches it smash apart on the rocks below.

EXT. ISLAND – DAY

Several cyborgs close in on their victims.

EXT. CENTRAL CORE ROOM – DAY

Clare kicks open the door, puts in the code and shuts down the whole system. Just in time. The professor thanks her as he dies from a wound inflicted by a cyborg in preservation mode.

INT. CENTRAL MEETING ROOM – DAY

Clare sees Rod hiding under a table, whimpering in a fetal position. He begs her to save him. Clare responds with his favorite comebacks: “Oh, Rod, get over yourself.”

Resolution –

EXT. HELICOPTER PAD – DAY

Clare helps others climb aboard then she hops on. Helicopter takes off.

INT LAWYERS OFFICE -DAY

Clare learns that she won the resort’s $50,000 prize for “Inward Honesty” and is also awarded $5 million for pain and suffering. Her life is now her own. And she never sees Rod again.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Transformational Events

What I learned doing this assignment is that putting some meat on the bones is a good way to brainstorm.

· Internal Journey: Clare goes from being an easily manipulated introvert to a strong and intentional woman in charge of herself.

· External Journey: Clare goes from being the butt of jokes and demeaning taunts to dominating the situation, defeating the cyborgs on the island and emerging as the sole survivor/winner.

What are the Old Ways and New Ways?

Old ways: deferring to her boyfriend, not standing up for herself, being a pushover, allowing herself to be ridiculed, letting others tell her what to do.

New ways: in control, not bothered by what others think, confident, not hampered by old memories, free of self-imposed limitations, not afraid to improvise.

Clare’s changes:

1. See herself for who she is. Stand up to her mother.

2. Realize that her life is the only life she can control.

3. Decide that she will be more assertive.

4. Act against her impulse to be the butt of Rod’s jokes and jabs.

5. Challenge her cyborg as she might challenge herself.

6. Hold her own when her cyborg turns deadly, not back down.

7. Leave Rod in the dust – doesn’t need him anymore.

8. Emerge from the island stronger, better and ready to take on the world.

Clare’s TE’s:

TE 1; Clare helps a wounded bird fly away.

TE 2: Clare confronts her mother about her father’s abuse.

TE 3: Clare asks her boss for a raise.

TE 4: Enjoys a book about riddles.

TE 5: Clare draws even with her cyborg in a game of Know Thyself.

TE 6: Clare suffers a humiliating defeat in front of the group and decides to leave the island.

TE 7: Clare decides to ignore the mean guests and be friends with a nice guest.

TE 8: Clare outwits her cyborg – buys time.

TE 9: Clare kicks her cyborg off the cliff.

TE 10: Tells Rod goodbye. Climbs aboard the rescue helicopter.

Add these transformational events to your four act structure.

Act 1:

Opening – Rod embarrasses Clare at a dinner party. A friend mentions that a new weekend retreat involving robotic clones sounds interesting. It’s called Discovery Island where one spends the weekend getting to know thyself by interacting with one’s cyborg twin.

TE 1; Clare helps a wounded bird fly away.

Inciting Incident – Rod insists that Clare go with him on a self-encounter weekend at Discovery Island or else he’ll end their relationship. That scares the hell out of her so she agrees to go.

TE 3: Clare asks her boss for a raise.

TE 2: Clare confronts her mother about her father’s abuse.

TE 4: Enjoys a book about riddles.

Turning Point – The final leg to Discovery Island is on a helicopter. There’s no runway. The helicopter almost crashes but everyone is safe. The helicopter is down for repairs. Everyone must stay a bit longer than the weekend. No worries, everything is comped.

Act 2:

New plan – Clare sucks at the encounters, won’t share with the group. However, unlike all the others, she excels at encounter challenges. Rod constantly embarrasses Clare in front of the group, something that upsets her greatly.

TE 5: Clare draws even with her cyborg in a game of Know Thyself.

TE 6: Clare suffers a humiliating defeat in front of the group and decides to leave the island.

Plan in action. – Clare secretly plans her escape, offers to pay the pilot to take her off the island when the helicopter is repaired, but a storm approaches. She can’t leave.

TE 7: Clare decides to ignore the mean guests and be friends with a nice guest.

Midpoint Turning Point: A storm takes out the central computer – the cyborgs self repair with painful and deadly consequences for incorrect responses – the cyborgs know their humans all too well. Terror reigns on the island.

Act 3:

Rethink everything – Each person’s cyborg is a reflection of themselves. They get what they give so some guests are getting their asses kicked in varied and painful ways. Cruelty begets cruelty. Clare realizes that she must vanquish her cyborg twin in order to survive and the only way to do that is to challenge it with something it doesn’t know.

New plan – While most guests are losing, Clare probes C2 for helpful hints, receives a few electric shocks but is holding her own, buying time using her analytical skills to gain a tactical advantage.

TE 8: Clare outwits her cyborg – buys time.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – people are hiding, some are getting killed. Clare climbs up a hill but is trapped – C2 moves in for the final quiz! Clare must step up with all she can muster. Clare uses logical to outwit C2 and score a few victories using her wins to slowly disable her cyborg. It’s down to one leg, then one arm, but it’s still pursuing her up the cliff.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – C2 has Clare trapped. It taunts her with memories Clare has forgotten. Clare must face what she has run away from her whole life – a repressed memory, the one thing unknown to her cyborg. Clare resurrects her sexual abuse at the hands of her Uncle Henry – she wins! “I’m done with you!”

TE 9: Clare kicks her cyborg off the cliff, watches it smash apart on the rocks.

Resolution – Clare leaves Rod begging for her help. She gives him back his own: “Oh, Rod, get over yourself.”

TE 10: Tells Rod goodbye. Climbs aboard the rescue helicopter.

Clare learns that she won the $50,000 prize for “Inward
Honesty” and is also awarded $5 million for pain and suffering. Her life is now
her own.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s 4 Act Transformational Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is that by keeping it general and keeping options open, you allow for more possibilities to emerge and more layers of intrigue to, ah, surface.

1. Give us the following:

Concept –
Clare Willowby, a wallflower with low self-esteem, is coerced into going
on a self-discovery weekend with her domineering boyfriend, Rod Shankman,
where Clare must confront her darkest secrets if she is to survive her
encounter with killer cyborgs.

Main
Conflict – Clare must battle within herself and exert her independence in
order to overcome her cyborg twin and escape the island.

Old Ways –
Clare clings to her cocoon of dependence on Rod. She fears stepping
outside her comfort zone so much that she’d rather endure Rod’s taunts and
insults than face up to her issue.

New Ways –
Clare doesn’t need Rod anymore. Clare stands up for herself and is
entirely self-sufficient.

2. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.

Act 1:

Opening – Rod embarrasses Clare at a dinner party. A friend mentions that a new weekend retreat involving robotic clones sounds interesting. It’s called Discovery Island where one spends the weekend getting to know thyself by interacting with one’s cyborg twin.

Inciting
Incident – Rod insists that Clare go with him on a self-encounter weekend at Discovery Island or else he’ll end their relationship. That scares the hell out of her so she agrees to go.

Turning
Point – The final leg to Discovery Island is on a helicopter. There’s no
runway. The helicopter almost crashes but everyone is safe. The helicopter
is down for repairs. Everyone must stay a bit longer than the weekend. No worries, everything is comped.

Act 2:

New plan – Clare sucks at the encounters, won’t
share with the group. However, unlike all the others, she draws even
with her cyborg twin on all the encounter challenges. Rod constantly embarrasses
Clare in front of the group, something that upsets her greatly.

Plan in
action. – Clare secretly plans her escape, offers to pay the pilot to take her off
the island when the helicopter is repaired, but a storm approaches. She can’t
leave.

Midpoint
Turning Point: A storm takes out the central computer – the cyborgs self
repair with painful and deadly consequences for incorrect responses – the cyborgs know their humans all too well. Terror reigns on the island.

Act 3:

Rethink
everything – Each person’s cyborg is a reflection of themselves. They get what they give so some guests are getting their asses kicked in varied and painful ways. Cruelty begets cruelty. Clare realizes that she must vanquish her cyborg twin in
order to survive and the only way to do that is to challenge it with something it doesn’t know.

New plan –
While most guests are losing, Clare probes C2 for helpful hints, receives a
few electric shocks but is holding her own, buying time using her analytical skills to gain a tactical advantage.

Turning
Point: Huge failure / Major shift – people are hiding, some are getting
killed. Clare climbs up a hill but is trapped – C2 moves in for the final
quiz! Clare must step up with all she can muster. Clare uses logical to outwit C2 and score a few victories using her wins to slowly disable her cyborg. It’s
down to one leg, then one arm, but it’s still pursuing her up the cliff.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate
expression of the conflict – C2 has Clare trapped. It taunts her with memories
Clare has forgotten. Clare must face what she has run away from her whole life – a repressed memory, the one thing unknown to her cyborg. Clare resurrects her sexual abuse at the
hands of her Uncle Henry – she wins! “I’m done with you!” A final kick and
C2 falls to the rocks.

Resolution
– Clare leaves Rod begging for her help. She gives him back his own: “Oh, Rod,
get over yourself.” Clare learns later that she won the $50,000 prize for honesty and is also awarded $5 million for pain and suffering. Her life is now her own.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Character Interviews.

What I learned doing this assignment is that interviewing your characters is like administering truth serum – they spill their guts with their innermost secrets.

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR PROTAGONIST, CLARE

1. Tell me about yourself.

Well, I’m 26 and single and live with my boyfriend, Rod. I come from a dysfunctional family – my mother was frequently on the receiving end of harsh treatment from my father, a drinker. I’m an only child and have always felt out of place with my family since my cousins are all older than me. I carry a dark secret of what my uncle Henry did to me when he used to babysit. I’ve buried the worst of it deep inside repressed memory.

2. Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you?

I’m perhaps the unlikeliest to volunteer to attend a self-encounter weekend on some far away island with a twin robot since the one person I do not like to talk about is myself. Honestly, the only reason I’m going is because Rod is forcing me to. I must admit, although it scares the bejesus out of me, I guess I should explore why I’m so afraid of being on my own, that is, being independent. I lean heavily on Rod for just about everything, even though that means enduring his derisive comments and domineering attitude. He’s whacked me a couple times when I make him angry, like when I forget to buy his favorite coffee. In a strange sort of way, I feel protected not having to make a lot of decisions. I work in an office doing a lot of filing. I love to read history and look up trivia and solve puzzles. Guess you could say I have a very analytic mind and enjoy solving math problems and logic conundrums.

3. You are up against Rod, obviously. What is it about him that makes this journey even more difficult for you?

The thing about Rod is that he always very sure of himself and never at a loss for words when criticizing. He’s constantly telling me how to do things better so I’m worried that when we go on this trip he won’t miss an opportunity to embarrass me in front of strangers. He’s always making fun of the way I look or the way I dress or whatever comes up. I don’t know why he’s so anxious for us to go on this trip. It’s quite expensive and we’ll both miss a few days of work. He says he’s doing this for me because I’m the one who needs to examine myself and that it might improve my dorky attitude. Rod’s says he’s just going for the fun of it. I don’t think talking to robots that look like you can be much fun.

4. In order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to step way outside of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which of them will be the most difficult?

Well, if it involves standing up to Rod, it’s not going to be easy, even if the counselor wants me to speak up for myself, I know there will be hell to pay back in the hotel room. I guess I better watch myself, no pun intended. Seeing a cyborg double of me is going to be very weird – and now Rod will have two Clares to make fun of!

5. What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of?

Well, I’m not sure. Standing up for myself with Rod is hard enough but doing it front of complete strangers seems terrifying to me.

6.What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back?

Well, like I said, my family background is nothing to brag about – and I don’t want to talk about Uncle Henry, ever.

7. What skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict or antagonist?

I’m not at all sure. I have great analytic skills since that’s my job title – I can look at data or patterns and spot things that are likely to happen in the future which is why I recently got a promotion. Rod thinks it was just dumb luck, as he like to put it, whenever I’m good at something.

8. What are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want them to know?

I don’t feel comfortable discussing my background with anyone, especially strangers, and really especially with silly robots.

9. What do you think of vacationing on a tropical island?

Oh, now that part I am looking forward to, you know, relaxing on the beach with a good book and not having to cook when I get home from work.

10. Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

Nothing really to tell – Rod is the better half. If you don’t believe me, just ask him! Shit, please don’t tell him I said that, please.

11. What does it do for your life is you succeed here?

Well, I suppose if the self encounter is what they claim, I might come away with a little more self-confidence and ability to step outside my comfort zone, as my boss would say. Rod would call it putting on man pants.

12. Ask any other questions about their character profile that will help you.

Clare, what’s your biggest fear about your future?

Oh, I’m absolutely terrified of being on my own. You know, buying car insurance, dealing with salesmen, paying the bills, all the things that Rod handles. Like he says, if I did that stuff, I’d probably just screw it up.

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR ANTAGONIST

1. Tell me about yourself.

I’m Rod McClane III, of the McClane line of original explorers, you familiar? I have a bachelor’s degree in foreign affairs and a Master’s degree in art history from Barrister’s College in New Hampshire. You heard of it? My father’s family is extremely wealthy which is why some people call me a trustafarian, you know, the dreadlocks and all. I work at a think tank where we solve the world’s problems and receive funds from the government to bring art to the world.

2. Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses?

Strengths? Oh, I might teach my robot a thing or two about culture and manners, that sort of thing. And I’m hoping it will do Clare some good – darned waste of capital if she doesn’t come away not understanding where her clumsiness comes from.

3. Why are you committed to making the Protagonist fail?

Oh, I’m not. Clare does that all by herself, but thanks for the insult, buddy.

Or for a relationship movie, why are you committed to making them change?

You kidding? I’ve been trying to change Clare for six years, not even so much as a kitten’s purr. She’s so set in her ways, she wears concrete slippers!

4. What do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking down your competition?

Well, hopefully, Clare will show her gratitude by asserting herself, that is, when she has genuine insight, not the usual inconsequential pap she thinks passes for adult discussion. Maybe she’ll grow up a little.

5. What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin, or death?

Oh, I’ve yet to meet the challenge that can best me. Bring on all the island adventure and I’ll chew it up and spit it out over our penthouse balcony.

6. What secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity? Compared to other people like you, what makes you special?

Well, if you must know, I’m sometimes as unsure of myself as Clare. I just don’t broadcast it to the world and make an ass out of myself. What makes me special? Well, I suppose it’s because I have the money to pay for this very expensive and generous use of capital and because I’m doing it for Clare. Her childish behavior is not as sexually appealing as it used to be. It’s time for Clare to grow up. Otherwise, I might have to drop her like a bad habit. It’s not an exaggeration to say that I could do a lot better but it’s okay for now. I just wish Clare wouldn’t depend on my expertise so much. Hopefully this island encounter will drum some common sense into that girl’s head.

7. What do you think of when you think of Clare? Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

She’s okay in bed and with being around – but she’s such a wallflower and so damn quiet. Don’t get me wrong, I like to watch my TV shows without being pestered. She needs to work on her cooking skills. And I hope she appreciates the effort and money I’m putting into this little island adventure.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Character Profile Part 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that one character trait often suggests another.

Clare is a runner, has been all her life. Running from her past memories of her mother and how she allowed herself to be the victim, running from being the center of attention, running from repressed memories of her abuse to a sanctuary of silence.

What draws us to Clare?

Her well-meaning sweet innocence, that she somehow blames herself for what happens to her. Yet, she retains the ability to otherwise quickly analyze and diagnose most other situations not involving herself.

Traits: kind, shy, closed off, dependent

Subtext: tries too hard to please with shallow gestures, speaks 3 layers deep

Flaw: suppressed memory of being sexually abused by a revered relative.

Values: admires people not like her who stand up for themselves, fair-minded and non-judgmental.

Irony: She’s the smartest one in the room thought you’d never know it. Almost never lets on that she’s 2 or 3 steps ahead of everyone else.

What makes Clare the right character for this role?

Clare is the only one mentally able to prevail over a doppelganger cyborg intent on destroying their human counterparts. Her insight into solving problems that has long given her an edge, and enabled her cocoon, is now what will save her. Her survival instincts which protected her from remembering her abuse now come to the fore in helping her overcome the biggest challenge of her life.

What draws us to Rod?

Rod instantly telegraphs his façade of being with it but is actually the phoniest of pseudo-intellectuals. And in an almost endearing sort of way, we see he secretly needs Clare as much as she needs him. Without her, his cover as a snooty professor in the know would be exposed.

Traits: abusive, insecure, cowardly, fearful

Subtext: subtley pumps Clare for information when he needs it the most. Tries to keep up with his colleagues by being abtuse and evasive.

Flaw: he’s a coward who’s afraid to take chances, hides behind his trustafarian habits and cultural appropriation to hide his bigotry.

Values: the high life, being respected by virtue of who he associates with. Status seeker.

Irony: He depends on Clare being subservient and pliable so that she can bail him out when needed.

What makes Rod the right character for this role? Rod is the perfect foil for Clare’s transformation – his weaknesses are exposed all the more when Clare asserts herself.

Other characters:

Clare’s cyborg double, SAC 12, a carbon copy of Clare in almost every respect.

What draws us to SAC 12?

SAC 12 is everything Clare wishes she was – outspoken, assertive, razor sharp wit.

Traits: Clare in every way except in how she expresses herself. Her answers are brutally honest and insightful.

Subtext: SAC 12, like the other cyborgs, doesn’t quite understand human subtlety and wit. Her humor is stilted and mis-timed. She likes Clare above simply because of their shared traits and looks.

Flaw: SAC 12 is a half step behind in the AI department. Someone with the right answer can point out the finer points of an argument while SAC 12 falls back on rote memory.

Values: Reflects all of Clare’s values but is in transition to self actualization.

Irony: SAC 12 constantly evolves into higher level thinking but it comes at a cost. The more she becomes sentient, the less she is able to get past the most rudimentary riddles and conundrums.

What makes SAC 12 the right character for this role?

SAC 12 becomes everything Clare aspires to be – aloof, confident, defensive, with the exception of Clares’ unique escape mechanism – leaving her body and letting her mind go somewhere else, her escape hatch from memories repressed.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Character Profiles Part 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that a theme of self-actualization informs the characters and their roles In the story.

DISCOVERY ISLAND, a sci-fi thriller.

Clare is a runner, has been all her life. Running from her past memories of her mother and how she allowed herself to be the victim, running from being the center of attention, running from repressed memories of her abuse to a sanctuary of silence.

Role in the story: Wallflower who works in a cubicle, plucked from anonymity by Rod. No ambition but to stay out of the limelight. Quite settled in a male-dominated relationships.

Age range and Description: Female, Mid 20’s, clever, can talk her out of stepping outside her comfort zone, loses herself when jogging.

Internal Journey: From being totally dependent on a man to being her own person, confident, strong, freedom-loving and able to fend for herself.

External Journey: From an introverted and quiet desk clerk to a strong and sassy woman in charge, free from her self-imposed shackles.

Motivation: survival from cyborgs suddenly turned hostile.

Wound: Her mother’s absence when she needed her the most, as when being abused by her uncle Henry. Being absent has taken the place of being in the moment.

Mission/Agenda: To discover how she will survive on an island of predatory cyborgs.

Secret: Her repressed memory of abuse.

What makes them special? Her cleverness at solving puzzles and riddles and her ability to concentrate with distractions all around, leaving her body in a sense.

Rod is the villain, an egomaniac and a phony who puts up a good front of being brave and in control. Rod self-validates by domineering his girlfriend, Clare. It’s a match made in a heaven for fools and the fooled.

Role in the story: Protagonist who dares Clare into stepping outside her box while seldom stepping outside his own. His ego is all hot air based on accomplishments dating back to college.

Age range and Description: Male, 30’s, well-dressed exterior is his shield to scrutiny, Feels empowered when powering over Clare. He’s let himself go, a bit chubby.

Internal Journey: Rod is ripe for a lesson in self humility and a reality check.

External Journey: From being a boastful leader to a cowering baby, left in a fetal position unable to function.

Motivation: Dominate through intimidation and ridicule.

Wound: Harbors a serious lack of self-awareness and ability.

Mission/Agenda: Every man for himself. He’d be the first one off the Titanic.

Secret: He’s a wuss.

What makes them special? His Harvard law degree and legal knowledge comes in handy.

Other characters:

Clare’s cyborg double, SAC 12, a carbon copy of Clare in almost every respect except in Clares’ unique skill at leaving her body and letting her mind go somewhere else, sometimes deep in the recess of her mind’s eye into the unchartered waters of repressed memories.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Character Profiles Part 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that a theme of self-actualization informs the characters and their roles In the story.

DISCOVERY ISLAND, a sci-fi thriller.

Clare is a runner, has been all her life. Running from her past memories of her mother and how she allowed herself to be the victim, running from being the center of attention, running from repressed memories of her abuse to a sanctuary of silence.

Role in the story: Wallflower who works in a cubicle, plucked from anonymity by Rod. No ambition but to stay out of the limelight. Quite settled in a male-dominated relationships.

Age range and Description: Female, Mid 20’s, clever, can talk her out of stepping outside her comfort zone, loses herself when jogging.

Internal Journey: From being totally dependent on a man to being her own person, confident, strong, freedom-loving and able to fend for herself.

External Journey: From an introverted and quiet desk clerk to a strong and sassy woman in charge, free from her self-imposed shackles.

Motivation: survival from cyborgs suddenly turned hostile.

Wound: Her mother’s absence when she needed her the most, as when being abused by her uncle Henry. Being absent has taken the place of being in the moment.

Mission/Agenda: To discover how she will survive on an island of predatory cyborgs.

Secret: Her repressed memory of abuse.

What makes them special? Her cleverness at solving puzzles and riddles and her ability to concentrate with distractions all around, leaving her body in a sense.

Rod is the villain, an egomaniac and a phony who puts up a good front of being brave and in control. Rod self-validates by domineering his girlfriend, Clare. It’s a match made in a heaven for fools and the fooled.

Role in the story: Protagonist who dares Clare into stepping outside her box while seldom stepping outside his own. His ego is all hot air based on accomplishments dating back to college.

Age range and Description: Male, 30’s, well-dressed exterior is his shield to scrutiny, Feels empowered when powering over Clare. He’s let himself go, a bit chubby.

Internal Journey: Rod is ripe for a lesson in self humility and a reality check.

External Journey: From being a boastful leader to a cowering baby, left in a fetal position unable to function.

Motivation: Dominate through intimidation and ridicule.

Wound: Harbors a serious lack of self-awareness and ability.

Mission/Agenda: Every man for himself. He’d be the first one off the Titanic.

Secret: He’s a wuss.

What makes them special? His Harvard law degree and legal knowledge comes in handy.

Other characters:

Clare’s cyborg double, SAC 12, a carbon copy of Clare in almost every respect except in Clares’ unique skill at leaving her body and letting her mind go somewhere else, sometimes deep in the recess of her mind’s eye into the unchartered waters of repressed memories.

[John Trimbach]

John T’s Transformational Journey

What I learned doing this assignment is that coming up with a basic arc seems to be based on the central idea or theme – freedom naturally flows from self-empowerment.

· Internal Journey: Jennifer goes from being an easily manipulated introvert to a strong and intentional woman in charge of herself.

· External Journey: Jennifer goes from being the butt of jokes and tricks to dominating the cyborgs on the island and emerging as the sole survivor.

What are the Old Ways and New Ways?

Old ways: deferring to her boyfriend, not standing up for herself, being a pushover, allowing herself to be ridiculed, letting others tell her what to do.

New ways: in control, not bothered by what others think, confident, not hampered by old memories, free of self-imposed limitations, not afraid to improvise.

[John Trimbach]

Hi, John T here, looking to kick start a new way of getting it done having written 2 screenplays that probably took too long with another 3 in progress plus a serial. Here’s hoping to make something amazing in as short a time span as I’ve ever done. I once worked on a live set starring Mario Van Peeples – it was a real eye-opener. Time to open them again!

[John Trimbach]

Hi Kathryn,
I’m also catching up but ready for an exchange. Feel free to email yours and I will reply.

thanks,
John

johntrimbach@gmail.com

[John Trimbach]

Hi Sunil,
My outline will be ready this weekend. Would you care to exchange?
Title: Be Still
Genre: thriller
Concept: A newly hired small town sheriff is lured to his own death tribunal by a young couple with dark secrets not knowing that they are his estranged daughter and stepson from 15 years ago.
Best, John

[John Trimbach]

Hi Kathryn,
My outline will be ready this weekend. Would you care to exchange?
Title: Be Still
Genre: thriller
Concept: A newly hired small town sheriff is lured to his own death tribunal by a young couple with dark secrets not knowing that they are his estranged daughter and stepson from 15 years ago.
Best,
John

[John Trimbach]

Thank you, Leona. Great to be a part of something special!